i have somthing to tell you!

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Reusing picture of cat so blog does not spoil with next picture…….

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Yeah I’m basically freaking out right now. I really didn’t care what we were having. I was convinced it was a boy, so I was completely ready for the confirmation from the anatomy scan.  Well, apparently deep down I really did want a girl, because I have been a blubbering, laughing, smiling, back to blubbering crazy woman for the last week. I am getting my girl. I cannot believe that after everything we have been through, the cherry on top is that I get to do this:

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and this:

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Here is the story:

We went in for the anatomy scan at 8:30am. We were even having the discussion of whether to find out or not as we got into bed the night before.  A said that if it was up to him, he would have it be a surprise, but that he thought I needed this, so he was happy either way. So, as I was lying there they were going over kidneys, liver, etc… Obviously I care that everything is normal, but I really don’t want to get fixated on all the physical stuff. I don’t want to be consumed with this child’s body. I am just really guarding my thought about this little one and that makes sense to me. So I really wasn’t too interested in hearing all about her insides. This is when we get to the good stuff. The legs, the feet- yeah we know what that means- the nether region. The tech was super sweet and asked if we wanted to find out the sex. So A and I looked at each other with a smile and said in unison, “Yes.”

“Okay,” she said. “It’s right there on the screen actually.”

Ehhhhhhhhh? “I don’t see what you’re talking about. I mean I don’t know even what angle we are looking at.”

And she goes, “Do you see those three lines?”

Now, Had I not googled “18 week ultrasound gender reveal” about a million times and watched other people’s videos and read their notes, I would not have had a context for what “3 lines” meant. I very easily could have thought, “oh yeah three lines- leg line, penis line, then leg line. 3 lines.” But I now knew that 3 lines was a little *vajayjay thanks to over-researching.  *note to self: come up with the word we will use for vagina. Must be inventive and humorous.

So I gasped in and said, “Girl?!!” and she said “Yep!” and I started sobbing. I was completely surprised by my reaction. I could cry now just thinking about it. I was just so shocked. and sooooooo happy. A was so excited too, which was so darn cute I could barely handle it. Picturing him with a little girl is almost too much.

I don’t mean for this post to be a metaphorical rubbing of the salt in the wound to those of you still in the trenches, but I am making a point here.  A year ago I was in the shit pit of all this. 3.5 years in and pretty depressed. Our only choice to have a chance at a family was IVF with ICSI.  Daunting in the least. That seemed so big, so grande, that I never thought I would have the guts or the money, or the stamina to go through with it.  But we did it. We attacked it. And it worked. And I will be holding a baby girl in my arms in 5 months.  Don’t Give up.  Don’t you ever. Don’t you ever give up.  Keep breathing,  Keep moving. Don’t waste time- go for it. Go for it now.  They will tell you it’s impossible, but it’s not.  We have science, we have miracles, we have strong, stubborn, wonderful human will.  4 years ago, I thought that I didn’t want to live if it meant living without my kids.  I would wake up and it felt like my family was dead. I re-lived that every morning. I didn’t want anything to do with my own family.  I didn’t want anything to do with my friends.   Fuck that.  Fuck Jealousy and anger and bitterness and isolation.  Fuck horrible nightmare fantasies of a happy life unrealized.  Keep fighting.

You never know what a year can bring.  You may be reading this thinking your life is over, but a year from now you could be almost 5 months pregnant with a baby girl on the way.  I never would have believed it.

BELIEVE IT.

17.75 weeks

I feel badly that I haven’t been keeping up with my writing.  SORRY!  I had a feeling this would happen- get  pregnant and then sort of lose interest in writing. You know why? Because I am not so angry anymore! I wrote when I was feeling angry! It was an outlet! But now I am sort of………plateauing. plus my life is so boring you guys it’s really kind of sad.

I am 17.75 weeks.  Barely showing a bump at all.  Haven’t felt the baby move.  Honestly, nothing really feels different… STILL.  I am sort of struggling with this.   I plan for the baby and talk about the baby, but I feel like one of those crazy psycho women in Lifetime Television movies who are in total denial and just pretending they are having a baby.  because they are NUTS.  I am still having a lot of trouble connecting to this pregnancy.  Not that I am not so so so so grateful, it’s just that I thought pregnancy would make me feel, well…. pregnant.  But I totally feel the same. I mean I am almost halfway through!  You have to be kidding me! I go to the doctor’s and I hear the heartbeat. This is very helpful….. They say there is a child growing inside of me, but I have yet to sense anything. It was moving around like crazy last time and the nurse practitioner was like “You don’t feel that?!”   If this were a hundred years ago, and I hadn’t been able to take a pregnancy test and see ultrasounds, etc, I honestly would still be thinking something was up with my cycle and I am just not getting a period. That is all.  I would be the idiot ass-hat from “I didn’t know I was pregnant!” I could be that girl! I get it now!

I spend my days watching a lot of tv I mean A LOT. I had my last day at my job last week and since then I have been focused on our move back to the mainland.  And by focused on our move, I mean watching a shit ton of tv in between making various 5 minute calls.  This move is happening in April.  I am the logistics planner of this event.  I am good at this stuff because I am hyper organized, but I am also lazy.  Still, we are just a one car family (NEVER DO THIS DO YOU UNDERSTAND? NEVER BE A ONE CAR FAMILY IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST) so this makes it very hard on some days for me to be productive because I am literally trapped at home. I do still ride my bike into town, but I can’t really carry much back with me, so trips to town really don’t serve a purpose besides me getting fresh air.  Also, I feel like I should maybe stop riding my bike because [apparently] I am pregnant and Hawaiian drivers are the absolute worst, so I should tighten up the safety protocol.   I have no friends, no car, no sun, no job. I am bored bored bored.  My dog was ready to kill himself and he is the laziest basset hound around. Even he has been  like, “Uhhhh Can we get some sort of entertainment up in here or something mom, I mean really.  I’m bored” So I took him to the park yesterday where he got a 1″ slit bit into his ear by a meanie dog, which then resulted in us spending our afternoon at the vet.  This poor pup.  He is so friendly and loves all dogs, but doesn’t understand boundaries. He has these huge, what we call “Tortilla Ears,” and it was a matter of time before some a-hole was smart enough to grab this vulnerable target and just go to town.  His ear looked like someone took scissors and just started cutting right up the middle. He was dripping blood all over but still walked with a happy trot, tail wagging as we made our way back to the car to get him to the vet.   Luckily he didn’t need stitches and it will just heal on it’s own with antibiotics.  He will have a bad-ass notch in his ear.  Battle wound! You said you wanted adventure, Norman! While we were driving to the vet I said to A, “I love Norman so much.  I mean, like a child. I love him soooo much.  Can you believe that it will be like 100 times stronger of a love when our human baby comes?”  A nodded in agreement that that is hard to fathom.  That is pretty cool.

I am enjoying adding to my online registry as I think of or hear of things that sound interesting.  It’s totally private right now because I don’t want people thinking I am selfish and already making lists of what I want. but um, yeah I am secretly making lists of what I want.  We are going to cloth diaper, so I am doing lots of research on that.  Seattle, one of the greenest cities in the country doesn’t even have a decent cloth diapering store, so I am making a trip to Oklahoma City to visit family and go to their awesome cloth diaper store where I can look at all the brands and get some one-on-one advice while actually being able to hold them in my hands. I have to go to Oklahoma to do this, people.  That is sad.  Both my sisters are cloth diapering with so much enthusiasm, that I know I will have it figured out when I get home. Not that they are the ones who told me about cloth diapering.  Remember I have been trying since before either of them had their first baby, so it’s annoying to me that they think they are helping me with their “original” idea. No. I planned on doing this years ago.  Is that bad that I still feel that way? particularly with my younger sister-in-law who just had her baby.  She wants to give advice on things that I know that I know more about even though she actually has the baby, and then I get all irritated that she thinks she is sharing anything new with me. I mean Hello!? I have years of research under my belt.  She wasn’t even married yet when I had picked out my stroller, etc!  I got her birth announcement last week- it was super cute- just how I would do it, and I texted her saying I loved it and she texted back “Oh! Thank you! I have LOTS of suggestions on that experience if you want any advice!”  And all I could think of was “I am 32 years old. I think I can handle picking out a picture and putting it in a template and ordering it from Minted.com. How hard was that for you and why did you learn so much and why was it even an “Experience?” ugh.  I’m so mean, but seriously, who would need help with that. I’m still so defensive about things!  You can take the girl out of infertility but you can’t take the infertility out of the girl. These poor people can hardly ever win with me!

We still don’t know what we are having, but should find out at this week’s appointment.  I am having my big anatomy scan then and should know. That should help me feel more bonded.  We thought we would find out at the 16 week appointment, but the baby was being shy. Little stinker.  I love it though.  If it is a girl, we are off to a wonderfully modest start.  For some reason, I don’t really care if my boy is a naked guy.  As long as he keeps his naked in his pants until he is in a committed, loving, long-term relationship. Granted, if he takes after his father, he wont be able to get anyone pregnant, which would be a relief, but we won’t tell him that, will we?

I will be getting back to some of you who emailed about the meds. I apologize for such a delay.  The Menopur and Crinone were spoken for that day I wrote that post, and all I have left is the Bravelle.  I will contact those who left their emails, in the order that I received them to see if you want the Bravelle and I will just work down the list until I find someone.

Happy Monday!

cat is outta the bag and who wants my meds?

Hello friends! I hope this finds you all well. I have been a bad poster, but I really don’t have too much to report. All is well with me and the baby. I will be 14 weeks tomorrow. I like that number. It feels biggish. I still have a pretty flat stomach and nothing really seeming to go on in there, so it continues to put me at complete disbelief that I am actually having a baby. BUT….. it feels a little more real this week because we let the cat out of the bag. Let me tell you. To those of you still waiting for your big moment, and remember it took me 4 YEARS to get here- telling family and friends is seriously so worth the wait. That was one of the most fun things I have ever done. I think especially after Infertility because basically everyone has given up on you, so you really surprise them! We had really held it in- not even telling our siblings, who are our best friends. Only each set of parents knew. So here is what we did:

After OUR TEAM WON THE SUPERBOWL GO HAWKS GO! A and I called all of our siblings and their spouses one by one. We knew that they would just assume that we were calling and face-timing to recap the game and celebrate with them, so it would be a perfect blindside! So we had them on the line and we were all, “Go Hawks!” And then they’d be all “Yeah! Best game ever! ” and then A would go, “I know it was so awesome and K is having a baby!!!” And the look of shock on their faces was priceless. We actually only got to face-time with 2 couples and talk with 2. Face-time was so fun though, to actually see people processing- like, “huh, how? wait whaaaaaaaaa..” Haha, so great. A’s brother was pumped, his wife had a “oh boy” look on her face. Almost like she was disappointed, but I know she was just processing. They still haven’t even started trying, so I think A’s brother is going to start feeling left out and put the pressure on her. A’s little brother was super excited and A’s sister started to cry. This is the pretty one who is my best friend who is nicer to me than I am to her who had the baby in mid-Nov and is already a size 2 again. She is amazing. My brother’s voice went up about 10 octaves as he laughed and said “WHAT? ALRIGHT!!!!” and his wife started sobbing. Ahhh, it was so good. I will always remember that day. So worth a lot of the pain. Not all of it, but really, really worth some of it.

In the days that proceeded, we shared with closer friends. Some were calls and some were texts. All the girls responses were the same “OMG I’m crying!” and if they had been pregnant before, their first question was always ‘how are you feeling?” like seriously, every time it was the same. I went through A’s texts to see some of his responses and it was such a funny Sociological experiment in a way. His text to them. literally. “Bun in Oven. Headed home.” That’s it! meanwhile I was all, “Hey ____! Guess what!? I’m pregnant! Can you believe it? Due in August! We are so excited! Can’t wait to get home and reconnect with youuuuu!!!!!……” A was to the point. “Bun in Oven. headed home.” And the guy responses? “No Shit! congrats” “Oh shit! congrats” “Holy Crap! for real? congrats!” and if they had been daddies it was “Awesome, man! You’re gonna love it! How is Kimmy feeling?”

So interesting I thought!

Okay, so the MEDS. I have extra stim meds that I wont be needing. I want to get them to someone who will use them before they expire, but I don’t want to get arrested for selling them on the black market. I am watching Orange is the New Black and I look and act like Piper Chapman, so I know what I’d be in for and it WON’T BE PRETTY. I don’t want a wife who pees on my floor when she’s mad at me I JUST DON’T!

This is what I have:

12-single dose vials Brevelle– 10 units expire 9/14 and 2 units expires 12/2014

12-Single dose vials Menopur– 10 units expire 12/14 and 2 units expires 9/2014

2mg tabs of generic Estrace (Estradiol)- I would count them, but I don’t want to touch them. I am guessing there are at least 30 in there- discard after 12/22/14

6 applications of Crinone 8% Vaginal Gel- expires 3/2015

I also have a Clearblue digital ovulation 7- test kit unopened. see pic. Technically it expired in Jan. well shit. I will just give that away.

Listen, we were so lucky to have most of these meds covered through relatively small co-pays through our insurance. I so want to pay it forward to someone and sell them for what we paid. Maybe add a little for shipping. Do you know how I can safely go about doing this? If you or anyone you know will be stimming with the same protocol, please leave me a comment with an email address and I can email you directly about how to move forward. I am guessing Paypal? I haven’t actually priced it all out yet, but give me a bit and I will have that figured out. It will be dirt cheap compared to out of pocket I will tell you that. I guess it depends on how much of it all you want. It will be less than $500 for sure Seriously, we got so lucky.

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11 weeks whaaaaa??

I am writing this while laundry goes, because my cat literally shit the bed last night.   The dog was whining at the little baby gate we have up dividing the cat’s dog-free living space from the rest of the house. Well, when I went into the bedroom to see what he could want in there, I saw that she had pooped on the bed.  Exactly where A’s pillow would normally be. He was whining for her poo.  He wanted the poo.  In his mouth.  I am so glad that A is in Seattle for work or he would have absolutely FLIPPED to see the cat he doesn’t like, had pooped where he rests his sweet head.  My pets are seriously preparing me for aspects of motherhood for sure. Today alone was poo, 2 barfs, and a drooley basset mouth that I have to wipe after each drink of water. Also, hair.

Anyway. Today, I am 11 weeks.!  I can’t believe it.  We are getting so close to completing the 1st trimester.  I was able to stop the Crinone last week, and let me tell you it wasn’t that bad, but I will not miss what I call, “Crinone Crumble.”  If you have been on the stuff then you know exactly what I am talking about.  “Crinone Crumble” is basically like feta cheese coming out of you.  It happened to me every few days when my body would just release the buildup up of these nightly suppositories. sick. I had sex once while on Crinone and I think that A was scarred.  He never actually told me that it happened, but I suspect he got crinone crumbled unbeknownst to me.  Between that and doing giney check whenever I feel anything oozing down there, I had been spending a lot of time with my hands in my pants.  I can’t even wait to get to the bathroom sometimes.  If I feel a rush of something, I need to know IMMEDIATELY that it is not my baby coming out of me or blood or anything scary, so I will do a finger check right away, I don’t even care where I am! I’m so gross. I’m like a chimpanzee or something. we all do it.

Currently, I am sipping on club soda with ice and a wedge of fresh lemon.  That works for me. I am enjoying that.  Also, string cheese.  I could eat 6 in one sitting.  I limit myself to 2. Cheese in general, has been tasty.  Vegetables are a serious turn off. Which makes me sad because I LOVE veggies!  Sorry baby, you are living on a diet of cheese.  Surprise, surprise. I like scrambled eggs, and fage greek yogurt. The kind with the honey on the side.  Last night I made a baked potato with guess what? Cheese.  and greek yogurt. I bought strawberries yesterday and they tasted like the nectar of the gods. Also, smuckers uncrustables. grape.

I usually eat so well!* gah!  whatever.  Everyone tells me it’s ok. so fine. At this point I can’t even imagine sitting down at a restaurant and having a longing to order a meal.  I fee like I will never eat like that again. But I know I will.  It will pass, and I am grateful for the discomfort.  It’s temporary and it’s for a good cause!

It is just me or do all stores have NO GOOD CLOTHES right now for people who are a little bit pregant?! I am in such trouble.  All of my clothes are feeling tight despite the fact that I really don’t have a bump at all.  I think I am just in that bloated stage.  A said that I looked a little chubby in a good way.  He then proceeded to tell me my boobs haven’t grown at all.  So I’m chubby with small boobs.  Cool!  Hopefully I can find some on trend elastic wasted pants made from velour (no?) soon because I am getting to the point of desperation. I want to wear cooler leggings with longer T’s and tops that cover my butt. NOT that are cropped.  Why is this so hard for me to find right now?  In Hawaii, all the stores have the same seasonal items that you all have. Meaning, when I go shopping right now it’s sweaters, coats, scarves and leather. No, Black leather leggings do not sound good to me as I bike in 82 degrees to my job where the A/C has been broken for over a month.  No, just no.

It’s getting exciting thinking we are approaching the time where we will tell family and close friends.  Only A’s parents and my mom know.  My mom hasn’t even told my step-dad.  She is an amazing secret keeper. I am so happy she is not one of those women who run their mouths and gossips about my life.  We have an appt at 12 weeks, 2 days next week and we will see how it goes.  As long as everything goes well, we will think about making some calls. No one knows we have been doing IVF. They will be shocked and that will be so fun.   I still feel like I am pretending. I haven’t even taken a “bump” picture yet! I would feel like such a faker!   I saw that baby last week though.  It was moving around a lot and the heartbeat was strong, so I know it’s not a hoax that everyone is in on except for me.   Though sometimes I do think mayyyyybe.

But I am brought back to reality as it is dinner time and I don’t really want to eat, so that’s how I know.  Usually I’m all “Whose up for some Taco Bell!?”

*I DO eat well, so stop judging after my Taco Bell comment. It’s my vice, so shove it up your chalupa.

 

9 week- food for thought

Well, I have made it to the 9 week mark! phew! Today is 9 weeks, one day to be exact. Morning sickness kicked in last week and when I mean kicked it, it hasn’t been too bad. I am having trouble mostly in the late afternoons and evenings actually, with dinner being a real pain in my ass. I just don’t want it. I am having the most trouble with proteins, so that has been tough to get enough of. I even ate Ramen last night for dinner which is basically the worst. A has kind of been this obnoxious diet nazi, watching and judging everything that I am eating. It’s not cute that he cares so much; it is just really annoying. I feel like I have a parent nagging at me. I think because I am not throwing up, he thinks that I am actually just being stubborn and unwilling to eat. I have thought about lying to him and telling him I threw up a couple of times so that he will back the F** off.

Right now we are in this exciting and scary place. It’s called we need to move across the ocean, get 2 new cars, a new house, a new job all before our NEW baby comes in August. Isn’t that so swell? I love it. It’s so fun to think about! (actually a little part of me is loving all the NEW stuff) I am also trying to decide where I will give birth. Will I want to be home or in a birthing enter or in a hospital that will let me call all the shots? I was born at home, so was A and all of our siblings. My friends have had wonderful birth experiences at home, and so this is not something that is weird to us. I am not a hippie at all, (though in college I basically was- now I am half way to becoming a Republican- ugh what happened??) but this is a very attractive option to me. However, my one little hiccup is that I have been afraid of childbirth my whole life. When we were in the midst of infertility, I had one small consolation, and that was that I may never have to go through childbirth. Listen, I know that teens with no support do it, wimps do it, yaddah yaddah. Yes all those things I know. It doesn’t change the fact that it is scary to me and always has been. I was thinking about buying some books on natural birth to ease some of that fear and came across this best seller. That’s a nice book cover.

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HOW THE FRICK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO QUELL MY FEARS!? LOOK AT HER FACE, JUST LOOKATIT!

Anyway, I should go eat another scrambled egg.

Hope everyone is doing well!

 

graduation day

Hi!! I have missed you guys!

Seriously!

Today is my first day without any guests in town since December 17th. Do you understand what I am saying? DECEMBER 17!!!!! I really am thinking that I am an introvert because I am drained and am really happy to have my lonely life back. That being said, it was really fun to have love and friendship for a couple of weeks. I have not left the island of Oahu in over a year and I am starting to lose social skills.

Okay so first thing: I have a canker sore that is ruining my life. I just want to be free from the pain. Do you know what I just did about 5 minutes ago before I hopped into bed to write this post? I fucking Sonicared it. I Sonicared my canker sore. I have never felt pain quite like that. I decided that this will be the best strategy for getting information out of terrorists. We develop a way to give them a mouthful of canker sores and then sit them down with their hands tied behind their backs and just sonicare the shit out of their canker sores. They would tell you anything you want to know- trust me.

Today was my 8 week ultrasound! My big graduation day from the clinic. It was actually pretty disappointing and anticlimactic. The doctor and nurses were insanely busy at it was the day after New Years Day and they were booked solid. The doctor did my ultrasound- we heard a nice, strong heartbeat of 180 and saw little arms and legs. It was awesome. Everything looks good and the baby is measuring exactly what I am- 8 weeks and 1 day. And then they had to move on so fast that they were gone just like that. Dr. F gave me a hug and congratulated me- a little awkward as I had no pants on and had a tiny paper sheet across my lap. My nurse did the same- gave me a hug, barely making eye contact and I could see her eyes were red and welling up a bit and then they left the room. and that was it. I would just get dressed and we would walk outta there. A and I were kinda were baffled to be honest. And then we both started crying like a couple of pansies. It was a big deal we were leaving! It was very bittersweet! This placed changed the trajectory of our lives and we wanted them to think it was as huge as we did! And where was my lei!?!?! I feel like I should have gotten a lei. We will write her a very heartfelt note and send it to her since we barely got to say thank you.

Welp! moving on. We told A’s parents about the baby on Christmas day which was fun. I was hemming and hawing about it because she had said a couple of annoying things during the trip – things like “HER grandkids will never [fill in the blank]” I can’t stand that crap. I wasn’t sure I wanted the unsolicited advice just yet. Oh well we went for it anyway. We are due on their anniversary so A told them that we had a Christmas present for them, but that it would arrive for their anniversary. They were so confused. But then A’s mom started counting on her fingers and looked up and said softly, “A baby?” and then I started crying and then she started crying and then A started crying. It was awesome.

I still feel really good- just have trouble having an appetite in the evenings. My boobs aren’t growing- COME ON! This 32b gal would love a little help in that department, but I know it will come later. I am happy not to get the “good” if it means I am also not getting the bad. I stopped the PIO shots and am enjoying being pain free in my sides. I had developed some painful knots but they are going away now. I am doing Crinone suppositories nightly until I am 10 weeks. The Crinone isn’t bad at all. I mean I woke up to it drizzling out of me last night like how it was when I was a young teen before I knew you could wear tampons at night during your period. But hopefully that will be short-lived.

Now that we are preggers, I think the Hawaiian adventure will be coming to an end soon. Having a beach baby would be so awesome, but not if I am all alone. I miss my friends and family and the city of Seattle so much. I freaking hate that rain, but man- we are homesick. A baby just makes that longing even stronger.

Anyway, I will attach some pics for your viewing pleasure. I also feel like it is time to introduce myself. a little.

Hi, I’m Kimberly.

…and I am officially a “recovering” infertile. 🙂

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If this doesn’t go away soon, I just might kill myself.

 

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“Happy New Year I guess”

 

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A and me. We are imitating how Japanese tourists do their photos.

 

And we have a heartbeat

I wanted to give you a quick update as my in-laws are here and we are busy! It’s fun.

Ok. So we had our ultrasound today and we saw the heartbeat!! We didn’t hear it as it was just a bit too early, but the baby is looking good!

I am so glad that we saw it because without symptoms I was starting to really convince myself nothing was happening in there. When they first had the wand up in there, my uterus looked completely empty. My nurse was watching the tech and was holding her breath. She let out this huge sigh when the tech found the baby. It was tense for a second. Anyway, that was the only drama. We are still sorta navigating through our emotions. A was like “when will this feel real? Or will the baby come and we will just be like ‘hmm, ohh. baby. Baby is here.'” (As he moved like a robot)”

When they weighed me, I only weighed 114. This is weird as I had a HUGE plate of beans and rice and cheese and enchiladas for dinner last night. I think it’s because I have cut out drinking coffee. (Which usually has equal parts coffee and half and half not gonna lie) A is repulsed by the amount of creamer I use, but is there anything better than a fresh cup of coffee with a shit ton of cream? No.

My mother-in-law is probably on to me as we are coffee buddies, so me saying no to coffee is a dead giveaway. I just said that during IVF I have to cut all that out. but I am sure she knows. We are debating telling them next week. We will probably tell them on Christmas. I will be exactly 7 weeks. Kinda too early to me, but telling THEM wont change anything and they will be wonderfully supportive no matter what the outcome.

Anyway, there you have it!

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5 weeks 6 days i guess

I don’t have much to report but I didn’t want you to think anything was wrong. According to pee pee sticks from 2 weeks ago, I am pregnant. I still haven’t had a single symptom…. I was moody and wanted to kill A today, but that’s because he is worthless.

I spotted for about 3 days after my last post. It was just a bit off and on and then it stopped.

today makes 5 weeks 5 days to be exact, but when you all read this, I will be 5 weeks, 6 days.

Hmm, what else. I work retail at Christmas time. F.M.L

My in-laws are coming tomorrow for 12 days. They are staying across the street. (thank you baby Jesus! It’s a Christmas miracle!)

1st Ultrasound on Thursday. Excited and nervous. Once we know how everything is going with that, we will start thinking about telling immediate family. like the moms.

hoping for some darn symptoms already! just the nice ones like ninja sense of smell. I can’t wait for that bump. I still don’t think it will ever appear. I am just convinced.

I think I’m peeing more than normal. And maybe today I had this little sense of nausea hovering over me. But like tiny. And it didn’t stop me from eating a big ole’ slice of cheese from Costco like a boss. But that nausea could have been just because I am anticipating my mother-in-law being in town for almost 2 weeks.

I kid!

Do I?

Anywho.
-K

beta number 3 and stuff

Beta number 3 was good. I more than doubled since #2, but not by a whole lot.  Here is the breakdown:

#1- 49 (8dp5dt)

#2- 116 (10dp5dt)

#3- 252 (12dp5dt)

Progesterone level is good.

I, HOWEVER AM KIND OF A MESS.

it’s only been 3 days since my last beta and I am already feeling uneasy.  Without the reassurance of doing those, I feel really lost.  It didn’t help that I started spotting a little bit on Sunday and have had a few instances of that in the days since. I hate it and want it to stop. I googled it for a bit, but everyone talked about m/c.  I can’t go there and I don’t want to read about it.  I know that it is normal, but I panicked a little bit.  A is not concerned at all. I do have cramps every now and then and some are stronger than others and all of that just freaks me out. so please tell me that this is all very normal!!!!!!!

I will be 5 weeks tomorrow. This last week CRAWLED.  I have absolutely no symptoms except for one.

Preggo brain.  OMG I am such an idiot.  I don’t have a lot of strengths, but one of my strengths is that I am sharp.  I have mild OCD.  I am very organized, pay attention to detail, etc….

Some examples of my preggo brain include:

  • I could not remember if I conditioned my hair in the shower. I just could not.
  • Made very bad change at the store I work at and had to have this chola looking girl call me out about it.
  • Did a load of laundry and forgot the soap.
  • I forgot my wallet and Nordstrom card for the NORDSTROM CARD 10 Points Holiday Shopping party- that is as dumb as it gets.  Also free bottomless champagne at this event, my favorite.  I will say that I was having a rough night emotionally.
  • Had a homeless man yell “lights!” at me from the street because i didn’t remember to turn them on in the pitch black when I was driving.  a homeless man.
  • Forgetting to warm up my pio oil before I draw it up like I have been doing every morning for 3 weeks.
  • Was convinced I didn’t LOCK the store where I work last night.  Jumped into the car in a hot, sweaty panic.  (made A come with me)  I had locked it. Also, forgot my wallet on the way there.  A just stared at me in disbelief.

I CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Anyway, that’s the latest!

beta numero dos

Today’s beta at 10dp5dt was 116 so we more than doubled. woot!

I forgot to tell you one of the best parts from the other day.  I went to target to buy all the pregnancy tests.  This target is on the other side of the island and I also have not attempted to make any friends here, so I like knowing that I will not run into anyone I know in this place while buying home pregnancy tests.  Right away, I went to the “women’s health” aisle.  There were so many options!  do I pick the target brand for barely a dollar less than the First response?  what about the one that is compared to the e.p.t test? digital…or old fashioned?  As I was looking, I was alarmed at the amount of women who were so nonchalantly walking right up to where I was and picking up tests.  I mean, I was there for a few minutes and like 4 women came.  I was just thinking, “This was really easy for you wasn’t it?  just another pregnancy. whoops! not sure- better take this test.”  crazy. I was researching it like it was my capstone paper for college and they were just tossing it in their cart and walking away as if they were tampons or scotch tape or a packet of taco seasoning.    Talk about different perspectives.

Anyway, guess who I ran into after I had filled my cart with those babies!?

My boss!

Luuuuckily…. I spotted her before she spotted me and I was all “ABORT!” (not literally, OMG) and was able to retreat into another aisle to re-adjust my cart. I was able to push the hpt’s to the back and cover them with other items but I was still a little nervous.  We chatted away and she was none the wiser!  secrets are fun.

But seriously of all people- my BOSSSSSS?????

Anyway, when my nurse called me at home today to give me my second beta numbers, she also mentioned that if the third  beta looks good and things are progressing well by Saturday, that I can stop the PIO and move to crinone instead.  So this is where you guys come in.  What should I do?  I mean, I don’t LOVE getting the shots every morning, but is it better than 2x a day and ‘puddin’ pants?’  I mean I live in Hawaii and will be in dresses and bathing suits.  Is this stuff really going to drip down my leg?  Is this going to be the making of  things I used to read about in YM magazine?

“Dear YM,  one day I was at the beach and this really hot guy walking by me on the sand.  He started talking to me and we like, chatted for a while- did I mention he was SO HOT- and then he asked me if there was a jellyfish stuck to my leg and when I looked down, OH MY GOD, my crinone gel suppository was dripping all down my leg!  I almost died of embarrassment right then and there! He literally ran away from me yelling that I was repulsive and I never saw him again!”

Those with experience with the crinone- what do you think?  I am almost thinking I should just keep going with the shots- but getting up early every morning to do that does sorta suck for us… and also because… needles.

holler at me! I would love your input!

Happy Friday!

-k