oh. hello….

Forgive me readers for it has been 11 months since my last post.

Listen.  I loved blogging. I really did. Then I had that baby and I reallllly struggled to find the time and further, the inspiration to use that precious time to sit down and blog.  I usually watched TV in a dazed state or did the insane amount of household tasks I was running behind on. Or I’d be busy cleaning up hairballs and poo from my elderly cat or just googling “dog ate a kcup. will he die.”

Also, this:

“I find you to be a disgusting and poor excuse of a friend. You should really do your sister in law a favor and remove yourself from her life. You aren’t a friend you are one off those people who hang around looking for a reason to validate yourself. You are a jealous insecure resentful person. I wish you couldn’t have kids because imagine how you much you are going to screw that kid up. You will be an awful mother. You’re a horrible bitch. I wish your sister in law could see how much shit you talk about her and you call yourself her best friend. With friends like you who needs enemies.”

Then a super condescending and self righteous comment about our choice to delay vaccinations. I wanted to be a reasonable voice for those who feel the same way we feel. But gosh.  And we wonder why people are afraid to speak up, if their instincts take them a different direction from what may be mainstream.  Well guess what. My baby has not had one fever. She has literally never thrown up, (past infancy)  and she has had the sniffles once. I am not kidding. She is almost 15 months old and has never been sick. Who knows if that made any difference, but we trusted our instincts and we don’t regret that choice at all.   Plus, I am not here to get into discussions like that.  When people talk about their kids getting their shots, you don’t see me being all, “I disagree with your choices, so you’re a dumbass!” No. I respect you. So, enough.

yeaoooowza.  So these meanies completely stopped me in my tracks.  I said “Aint nobody got time for this,” and stopped blogging. Yes, I wish these people had read more and had actually really gotten to “know” me and understand that I totally owned my horrible feelings and behavior and I am pretty sure I stated that time and time again. Plus we had a very important “Come to Jesus talk” in which I begged for her forgiveness.   This is the wrath of 5 years of infertility. I fell.  I fell hard duing that time in my life and I am the first person to admit that! But if my blog was going to bring such horrible juju towards my precious family, I was not having it. I did not need people out there thinking bad thoughts about us. And really,  how incorrect they are about me. I am a good mother.  I stay at home and have had no help- meaning I have sacrificed every day of my life, any ounce of independence and freedom to be with her in what I feel is the best scenario for her and us. I have her on a schedule so that her life is safe and predictable and comfortable for her during these early years. I have never spent more than 6 hours away from her (again, no help, not that I don’t want to!) I don’t swear in front of her, A and I don’t fight in front of her. And that is HARD. I am a GOOD MOM. I may only get one shot at this parenting thing, so I really want to do it right! We think good thought for those in need or with failing health, we sing innocent songs, we take walks and look at bugs, we dance, we read all day, and our house is a Gol darned, innocent and beautiful place where unicorns crap rainbows!!

SO. I have missed you all and this community and I always wonder… What happened to so many of these ladies?  I wonder how many of you have gotten pregnant since,  or how many are moving forward and adopting now. Maybe you are taking a break or maybe you have a surrogate. And how many are still suffering so much?  I feel so much love for all of you. I feel the joy, the sorrow.. all of it.

H is amazing. She ripped the wings off of a live moth and ate them at gymnastics the other day. I thought she had a little piece of paper in her hands. but no. She was being a psycho. I worked at the Humane Society, so I was super proud. It is so hard being a parent and I am so grateful for her everyday.  I have just looked at her and bawled with gratitude and disbelief on many occasions, and I know that she thinks I am mentally unstable but you know… I just may be! She is one though, so like seriously who is she to judge!? She cries at the dumbest things too! jk. kind of not really.

Anyway, I wanted to stop in and say Hi.  Everything is Fine. Everyone is fine.  We are all so, so good here. Just busy and tired and time managing poorly. 🙂

PS I tried twitter and was super overwhelmed. I felt like it was all crazy people. So I ran away like a little quitter!

how did 4 months just go by?

I am so sorry.  I am the absolute worst.  I cannot believe that it has been this long since I updated you!  I am parenting ’round the clock (duh- but I mean like no daycare and not a lot from the hubbs or other family. Or friends.) so, seriously, the 3 hours I get to myself at night are usually filled with planning, shopping, cleaning bottles, watching Jimmy Fallon, etc… I have not had the energy to write.  BUT, I just have to say hello! I think about you all the time, and hope that everyone is doing great and that there have been some BFP’s out there!

Harlow is 4 months old. I feel like I pushed her out yesterday.  I know this is such a cliche, but wow time is crazy with a baby.  I just celebrated my preggoversary- a year ago that we found out that we were pregnant.  That also feels like a few months ago- not a year. The most exciting and the most horrifyingly scary time of my life- those first weeks.

Lets talk:

I still pee my pants sometimes.  mostly when I push out a toot. gosh, I’m a gross loser.

we got a new car- a big gas guzzler and I love it.  Harlow’s car seat literally went from wiggling around to basically being super glued to the seat, so bite me.

I mostly do cloth diapers and wipes, so bite me again.

I got my first post postpartum period. Bummed me out! I was at my first party (Friendsgiving) with all my friends and camped out on a white couch. awesome.  BUT i didn’t leak.  Except for when I hemmoraghed for the next 4 days. Holy smokes that period was no joke.  I mean, I should have just shoved a rolled up towel up there, because that would be the only thing that would have done a proper job.  but hey- NO CRAMPS!!!!!

My daughter literally puked on the grave of her great-grandfather. I have a photo to prove it. Our jaws were just dropped in horror.  She is hilarious. I think she’s heard some of the Grandpa stories.  Let’s just say he had some naughty, dementia induced fun on his way out- he was so bad and exhausted us all emotionally. anyway, she puked on his grave.

A story: we started going back to church and a lady had to sub in the nursery. She is like this single lady her in 50’s- never married, lots of facial hair- kind of a character. I imagine many cats. Bev, baby whisperer and 80’s makeup and accessory queen, couldn’t be there, so the sub, let’s call her Sally, had to take Harlow. This church has like 6 members, I am not kidding.   She acted mortified that she had to take care of our baby, so I decided I would hang out for a while and see how comfortable she was and then maybe go into the service after a bit.  I fed Harlow and asked if there was a burp rag since she quickly annihilated the only one I had brought.  Sally, was like “OMG” and started scurrying around for one.  Then she pulls out a plastic trash bag. It was obvious, you could see the red tabs.

me: um…..

Sally: “Would this work? what is this!?”

me: Jesus Christ

but I was in church so I was just talking about the bible.

no I wasn’t- I was pissed.

Me: “well, that there’s a trashbag.”

Sally: “will that work?”

Me: Yeah I’m staying

Hmmmm..I can’t be worrying about sally every week.

Harlow always has her little hands clasped and I am already worried that she is behind developmentally.  just kidding she is a genius, but I do wonder when she will decide to unclench those fists and reach out and touch someone. for now, it’s cool because my long luscious locks have been saved.

speaking of hair, i am having my postpartem shed. I take like 3 hour showers because much of it is just me trying to get all the hairs untangled from my fingers. It is crazy how much hair I “lose” every day. I should save it and make harlow a doll. that’s a normal thing, right?

breastfeeding is totally better but my supply just never got gack to 100% so I supplement every feeding with formula.  This has been the biggest disappointment of all, but it is what it is.  She was tongue tied, and that was our reality.  I am trying to re-lactate- drinking tea, taking herbs, and last night I made cookies. We shall see, but in the end my Naturopath said “She is still going to be the same girl.” Totally true. She is a chunky monkey and has the best cellulite on her thighs.

Reasons you may want to call CPS:

She sleeps on her tummy

…..Sometimes with a blankie on her! OMG!

We just put in bumpers (hey at least they’re mesh)

We have decided not to vaccinate.

NOW, stop rolling your eyes. We have made all these decisions based on our own experiences and a lot of thought and research. She is just a tummy sleeper and that’s all there is to it.  I know there is a secret club of us who do it.  The moment we did that, she slept so soundly.  We have a video monitor in her room and she is checked on constantly.  Her neck is strong and SHE’S FINE.  She is a little scooter though, so I would hear her grunting and check on her and she would have her arms and legs in the crib slats- HELL NO. SO… in the bumpers went.  My child will not fracture herself in her crib slats- not on my watch.

The vaccination thing is another beast. Man, people think we are nuts. I usually don’t like to get into it because people can be downright hostile.  I do ask people what research prompted them TO vaccinate though, and they never really have an answer. For us, most of the vaccines are for things that are basically eradicated in he US.  Yes, if polio rears its head in the US, then maybe there is a risk for it, but the chances are SO LOW. Other things are things that we can address in the very off chance that she contracts them.  The ingredients in those things are crazy and it just makes me uncomfortable.   We know a few people who said that once their children were vaccinated, they were never the same.  Granted, they do it more slowly now, but still.  Its crazy to me, for instance, that people will pump all day and night or run around town finding donated milk to feed their kids only breast milk, but then shoot them up with mystery chemicals without question because its just “what everyone does.”  I don’t know.  It’s just something we think about and talk about a lot, and we are very at peace with it now.  Neither of us were vaccinated, so its our “normal” anyway.

my landlord is a lunatic still.  I love being a renter. It makes me feel like such a big girl. I love paying $2100 to live in a basement apartment. super cool. Example:  we share trash and recycling with her and every week, (she is renovating her part of the house) she FILLS the recycling with un-broken-down boxes, and huge pieces of WOOD. Since when do we put WOOD in the recycling bin? SO then what? they reject it, and don’t come back for another TWO weeks. Meanwhile, my perfectly broken down boxes; and rinsed bottles and cans have nowhere to go because WOOD AND BOXES. This is the kind of crap that makes me lose it.

Do you guys know Jamie Grayson, the BABY GUY? I kind of want to be his female counterpart.  I am so OCD about researching baby gear, etc… sometimes I think my calling is being a gear reviewer, etc…  I love stuff.  and things.  Would you be interested in me telling you what I use, and why? I dunno.  I just really don’t want to be someone who has a lame vlog and starts her shotty youtube videos sounding like a cheerleader with “Hey guys!….” ugh. I can’t. You should also know that I have pricey taste. I’m tryyyyyingggg to be better.

I hope that you all have an awesome Christmas. or Holiday or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate, but I celebrate Christmas, so I am wishing you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! We have like 3 trillion people descending upon us and it is going to be insane.  I love Christmas and am really exited.  I have not purchased anything for the baby. Is that bad. I feel like maybe it is.  but she is 4 months old.  i am pocketing that money for myself. sorry. but seriously. she’s 4 months old.

Here are some pics of my chubby darling. I hope you are all doing so great! H met santa yesterday!

{Side story: because we live in a ridiculously PC Seattle, it was Asian-American Santa day. We didn’t realize it until we were in line and peaked through a little window where you could see the photos taking place. I started to panic a little bit- not because I don’t like Asians -half my friends are Asians! but it’s just not the picture that I had dreamed up in my Mind of H’s baby santa photo. A and I were trying to figure out how to jump ship without coming off like total racists. Well, lucky for us, about ten minutes before it was our turn, Asian Santa went to “feed his reindeer” and he came back white!! }

So we got our classic photo. If this offends you I apologize, but seriously, come on.





Follow me on the tweeter. The twotting. The twister?

I’ve been soul searching about how it makes me sad that I can’t sit down and type out more posts, so I thought I would join the twotter. What? That’s not how you say it? One doesn’t twot? Oh well, that’s what my father-in-law called it. On the phone. With a business associate (not because he is dirty, but because he is so innocent) that sweet man.

I have lots of little things I think of to say all the of the time, but can’t sit down and accumulate them to one post. I have generally hated the basic principle of twitter, so this is a big deal. But I also want a lot of attention. See how it’s tricky for me emotionally?
Okay! so follow me on twitter! @kimmymomjeans and teach me how to do this because I don’t know how!

Let’s get our twot on like donkey kong!!

This crazy hard y’all!

Oh my gosh you guys. This. Is. INSANITY. I love this baby so much but, she is KICKING MY ASS!!! Not that I am not crazy in love with her, and so grateful, but I think because I had to wait so long, I was living in an ultimate fantasy world where my baby wouldn’t cry, nursing would be easy because it’s natural, and my husband and I would giggle and laugh whenever it got “hard” because we were just so GRATEFUL. And “our marriage is stronger.” I know you know all the good stuff. So I am about to drop some reality on you. gitty up.

I pee when I sneeze.

Something happens to you and I was and can still be so mean to my husband because I sometimes hate everything he does. I hate the way he talks to her (same as our dog), holds her (how can I hold her so she looks most like she will fall), feeds her (how can i feed her as lazy as possible so I can still use my iphone to look at sports blogs), dresses her (how roughly can I do this), pets her head (same as the dog) etc… It’s all wrong and I hate it all sometimes. anyone else? poor guy.

Good luck leaving your house before 2pm. just try.

Harlow was tongue tied. I spent two weeks trying to nurse a barracuda until we found out. My nipples were bleeding and I sobbed and punched the mattress when she latched on. Please get help from a board certified lactation consultant if you suspect nursing could be a better experience than if you were dropped into the bowels of Hell.

In the middle of the night you may tell your sweet baby to stop being a dick- or u. your head you might say, “shut up!” really mean and you will feel like the devil the next morning when she is cooing at you and reminding you what an innocent, helpless and incredible gift she is.

Your pets will become second class citizens and you will feel SUCH GUILT every time you lay your eyes on their sweet, bored faces as you run past them to find a barf rag. DO NOT GET A PET IF YOU ARE PREGNANT. Their needs make everything harder.

Sometimes you just have to yell, “FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!” and that’s okay.
Suddenly, you want your crazy, dead-starfish-collecting-mother-in-law to come over ALL OF THE DAYS.

Yeah, that!

Motherhood is no joke. Those who have twins- i can’t even. It IS amazing and I am so grateful everyday for the opportunity to raise this sweet girl. I feel badly that I can’t blog more and I know that as we get in more of a rhythm that that will get a little easier? And of course, my topic will shift more now that my experience is different… I have ideas for where I would want to go with this, but the infertility aspect would take more of a backseat. I think you would understand that as wouldn’t we all want to leave that hell behind if we could?

I have to go now. I have more to say, but my baby has shit on her onesie and we have our one month well-baby visit in less than an hour and I need to look more put together than a teen mom.

Still so worth it. keep fighting.


She’s here!!

I am writing this on my phone and my phone has 3% battery left. But i wanted to let you know that Harlow Josephine arrived on Tuesday after 32 hours of really enjoyable labor. This baby reallllllly had fun making us wait. Like for 4 years. Then for 9 months. Then for 32 hours. Okay you rascal, we get the point.

Anyway, she is magic. I keep thinking of the other ladies in the trenches and all i can say is like i’ve said before. Keep fighting, keep attacking. Keep moving forward like the warrior that you are. It is so gosh darn worth it. I promise you.


okay seriously get me out of here

I know that it has been like a month. Every time I write, I think to myself, “I wont let it go that long again,” and then I do! Really it’s because nothing has been going on… I have just been living a Ground Hog’s Day kind of life at my in-law’s. I have just been living a Ground Hog’s Day kind of life at my in-law’s.

haha, see what I did there?

It’s ok!  We did finally find an overpriced place that we will be moving to this weekend!  That’s another story….our landlord is a character straight out of a movie, and I just know she is going to be a nightmare sometimes and I am sure I will have lots more to say about DEBERA, but for now, I’d rather talk about month 3 of living with my in-laws.

But seriously she sniffed my husband’s neck yesterday.


A’s mom has a shopping problem. It’s great for me when she is feeling generous, but that is selfish and I do not like that 4 QVC boxes arrived today alone. Now. Don’t picture a fat, disgusting woman who sits on the couch and coughs a lot. This lady is classy, beautiful clean, and all those things. But after being poor and raising kids on a budget, she can now basically buy herself whatever she wants and my father-in-law won’t say anything about it. It’s out of control.  They just have a weird marriage. That needs it’s own blog. Basically he is scared of her and will never say “No,” or “Please stop frivolously spending my hard earned money.”

While she is home alone all day, she watches a lot of home shopping. She just falls for everything. Thus, the multiple QVC/HSN boxes arriving every week. You could sell her snow in Alaska. I get really protective of my father-in-law because he works so hard and has become a success. BUT I worked for him for 3 years and saw what his life was like to get that successful and it makes me sad to see her blowing all that money on stupid shit that she will use 3 times and be done with.

I am going way off but I am trying to set the scene. Okay so the scene is, she receives packages, I roll my eyes and judge. Usually I report the contents of said deliveries to A or my sister-in-law with disapproving tones. He agrees it’s bad but tells me to stop caring- it’s their business. This past weekend, she got it in her head that she wants a stand up paddle board. Now, I can tell you that these are super fun, and I think it would be awesome to have one at their house. HOWEVER, I know that they run between $800-$2k and I just think it is RIDICULOUS for her to just get one out of the blue when I know she will use it for a week or two and then be done with it. Plus my father-in-law wasn’t even involved in the discussion. Well, A was pushing her to do it because HE selfishly wants one to use when he comes over under the guise of “It will be so fun for the family to use.”  duh. I was so mad, so I was eye rolling at him and trying to tell him to cut it out with my wife-looks everytime my mother-in-law turned her back.

Well, that bastard finally says, in front of her, “WHAT!? Why do you keep making faces and rolling your eyes!?”

OMG! What a dick! He totally called me out in front of his mom! My jaw dropped and I was like “No! I’m fine! Stop!” I was so pissed, I walked out the door and went outside. He has done this before when I am clearly trying to communicate in secret. He will go “What? What’s wrong?!” as I am in the middle of an eye-roll. Makes my blood boil. So we found each other later and I told him that that was NOT OKAY and he goes “You were being catty and childish and I will call you out every time.”  He is so much better a person than I. but…


I told him that I need to do that for the rest of our lives! This is one of my rights as a wife! I get wife rights to roll my eyes, or sneak him one of many disapproving looks from my artillery while trying to communicate behind someone’s back. I mean, I don’t know what I am going to do without that!  I don’t really think we resolved that. But of course I was mad about being called out and wanted to “talk about it” in our bedroom- the only place we can get any privacy. In the middle me berating, he opened our bedroom door wiiiide open. He has figured out that he can do that to shut me up because his parents will hear me raising my voice at him. And obviously that is really uncomfortable for me because I can only be the villain in that situation.  Can you imagine how pissed that made me!? It’s horrible. SO, his mom hears our door open and goes “oh hey, A!, blahbitty blah…” and he sweetly walks out of our room to go to her, leaving me there with steam shooting from my ears whilest in the middle of attempting to rip him a new one.  That is just one of the reasons living with your in-laws can really suck. It’s virtually impossible to fight with your spouse.

So, all that is almost over and thank God.  I am ready to be queen of my domain and stop being bossed around. “Don’t sell things on Craigslist.”  “My granddaughter will NOT play soccer…” “What are the window frames in your new place made  out of?” followed by disapproving concern that it’s not good enough for us.  WHAAAA????  It is that stuff all day. I’m not kidding.  and then there are the rocks and the shells and glass that I “need” to look at. the same ones I have “needed” to look at for 6 years since this hobby began. They are the same every. day.  the.  same.

I WILL DO WHAT I WANT THANK YOU. and PS all that crap from the beach is the same as it was the day before!  DONT SHOW ME ANYMORE I DONT THINK ITS BEAUTIFUL OR NEAT!  ITS A ROCK! I CAN’T PRETEND ANYMORE!

As for preggo stuff, I’ve officially reached the disgusting portion of this pregnancy. Like right now, I am just sitting in a fog of my own farts. Sorry, but it’s true. I have such gas right now and I just HAVE to let it out! I just keep my finger’s crossed that A won’t come in to the room right after I have had a fart marathon. He will be so repulsed. It’s not good. The other day I had to beg for my 2nd, yes ONLY 2nd foot rub of this entire pregnancy because my feet out of nowhere the other day just filled up like water balloons! I mean,  I could feel the tops of my feet jiggling when I walked! so weird!  As I was lying there on the bed getting “massaged,” A just goes, “babe, your pubes are like crawling out of the top of your sweatpants right now.” I was so embarrassed and we both laughed HARD about it, because it IS ridiculous! It’s because I can’t get to them anymore! I can’t see past the top of my stomach and I can’t even reach around my stomach to deal with them at all! What has become of me!? And wearing gray sweatpants!??!  I’m a monster!  I can’t sleep at night because I have reached bigness that makes any position uncomfortable, so I do a lot of grunting and heavy breathing and angry mumbling to myself. I just sort of feel like I have gone “Animal.”  Again, pregnancy is an honor and a privilege and I tell myself that everyday. I would throw daggers with my eyes at any woman who looked like she wasn’t enjoying her pregnancy when we were trying.  Now that I am on that side, I get it more. But really perspective helps you realize that it is not all that bad in the grand scheme of things.  And also, yes- I will be very ready for her to start living on the outside of me so that I can put on shoes without needing multiple breaks.

I had my baby shower, which was really nice and so I will probably post about that on its own, since this entry has been much too long.

If you made it this far, congrats! You’re a strong reader!

Good Day.

prison diary

It is day 63 of my in-law imprisonment.

It is a beautiful prison, but it is still prison. If you saw pictures of where I am living you would want to kill me. BUT here is some of the stuff I am dealing with my not being in my own space.

1. I was sent to the laundromat to wash 4 towels. Not poopy towels, but doggie towels used for bedding and wiping feet. Towels that are MINE. I spent 3 hours and about $12 doing laundry at the laundromat, when there are perfectly nice, high tech machines in the house where I am living. Just put those babies on the sanitation setting and call it a day. but no. Really? is my dog that disgusting? God forbid my kids spill, or throw up, or whatever when they are at Grandma and Grandpa’s house or we are off to the laundromat. I wonder how she feels about me doing my cloth diapers at their house?

3. After washing my already clean hands before dinner in the kitchen area bathroom, my MIL said, in a very accusatory tone as if to say I have been failing at this already… “did you remember to wipe the sink?”

me: “What? like wipe the top of the sink? yes.” (which is weird alone)

Her: “No, the WHOLE sink… inside and out.”

WHAT THE FUCK!? Who does that!? After washing my hands, I am to take a towel and wipe any water off the top and out of the inside of the sink. She doesn’t want water marks on the glass. Granted it is an all glass sink. But COME ON!!!! Yeah I just don’t wash my hands in there anymore. ‘Aint Nobody Got Time for that!

3. The ironic part is that because we disgusting scum are living there now, they have a house cleaner come every week. Yet, we still need to wipe out the g. damned sink every time we use it regardless of the fact that the cleaner will deep clean the thing on a weekly basis.

wipe this entire sink in and out when you wash your hands!

wipe this entire sink in and out when you wash your hands!

4. I can’t put forks in the front two compartments of the utensil bin in the dishwasher. I can’t even remember the reason why.


6. I can’t lean against the folded down blanket that’s draped over the couch. It cannot be leaned against or it will DIE!!!

DO NOT lean against this blanket while lounging on the couch!

DO NOT lean against this blanket while lounging on the couch!

7. “don’t forget to lock the doors when you leave.” Everytime I leave, I am told that. I am almost 33 years old. I don’t need to be told to lock the friggen doors behind me, especially in a house that isn’t mine. I have never NOT locked my house door upon leaving. If you tell me to lock up behind me one more time, I will seriously scream.

You guys these are just a few things.

Whats funny too, about it all is that my MIL is a bored, empty nested beach comber. She walks the beach everyday and collects crap- dirty crap, and puts it around the house. I mean every surface is covered in rocks, beach glass, shells, DEAD CRABS AND STARFISH. This stuff is on the kitchen table…where we eat and yet, I can’t put dirty linens in the dirty linen cleaning machine.

Isn't this a nice collection of crap!? this does not even scratch the surface.

Isn’t this a nice collection of crap!? this does not even scratch the surface.

These are dead starfish. My MIL found pain that matches their pre-death coloring. So yup! On days she says she is really busy, she is busy painting dead starfish!

These are dead starfish. My MIL found paint that matches their vibrant pre-death coloring. So yup! On days she says she is really busy, she is busy painting dead starfish!

Oh did I forget tomention that she dried out dead crabs and then positions them? Now I do think this is hilarious. But still gross. She tells me this guy is writing with his feather pen! uh huh! THIS IS REAL!

Oh did I forget to mention that she dries out dead crabs and then positions them in vignettes around the house? Now I do think this is hilarious mainly because of how insane it is.  She tells me this guy is writing with his feather pen! uh huh! THIS IS REAL!

We have tried for three little houses. The first we got rejected from. (Dog) the second, we had an appointment to see, only to be called the night before and told that it was rented. WHAT THE HECK!?! We didn’t even get a chance to see it and show how awesome we are! Who does that!?!?!?! The third, turned out to be a Craigslist scam. Which is crazy because I think everyone is trying to scam me, so I am super good at seeing a scam from a mile away. Nope. “Jonathan” from somewhere in Africa almost got us. Why can’t everyone just be NICE AND HONEST!?!?!?!?!

I know I still have time and need to be patient, blah blah blah, but at this rate I am looking at a July move-in with an August baby coming. For a planner and need-lots-of-lead-time-to-feel-good-about-lifer, this is simply horrifying. That gives us about a month and a half to have a nursery done and a house set up. All our stuff is still in a crate at some shipping dock. Ok,  now that I have written that, it still seems very doable, it’s just not what I want. But if there is anything I have learned in life, NOTHING GOES THE WAY YOU WANT. Maybe that’s just my life. I do eventually get what I want, but it just comes really annoyingly. okay, fine i can deal with that.

Let’s see. My baby shower invites went out and I am so excited. It’s real. I think it is going to be an amazing day. It will happen to fall on my birthday as well, so I know its just going to be super fun. My friends who are throwing it have event experience. We also live in classy, fun, trendy Seattle; so I know they are just going to do so well. Also, Pinterest. Also, PRESENTS!

I am getting bigger, fast. Sleeping just became interesting. I need 4 pillows positioned just right.  A is still sleeping downstairs because of our god forsaken cat and her hairballs and litter box scratching. Between that, living with his parents and not having sex in months, I basically feel like I have no husband. He reads the paper in the morning at breakfast while I stare at him, at dinner we are eating with his parents repeating childhood stories that I have heard literally dozens of times, and then off he goes to his separate bed. I don’t likey. The sex part is fine- God I could go without that for the rest of my life, but it does make me sad. Two nights ago I had a very vivid lesbian dream which super weirded me out! It was very graphic. I feel super naughty about it and will not tell A because he would be mortified and jealous. I am blaming it on pregnancy dreams and nothing else. The girl was some random girl from high school too, which is so weird. She had the softest lips. Oh my gosh! I mean seriously! **pounds side of head** “Get out of my beautiful memories, lesbian lover!!!!”

Okay I have gone on long enough. I seriously love them to death, and am so grateful for their help while we are in transition, but things are just. so. strange. over here.

How about a bump shot?

Me, because my husband NEVER thinks to take pictures of me….. “A, can you take a side shot of me for my mom? she wants to see.”

A: “Sure.” click. hands it back to me.

And this is what I saw when I later looked at my phone.


Wow, Don’t I look nice and happy.  Thanks for trying not at all.  Did you even look at the picture after you took it? This was acceptable? look at my face. JUST LOOK AT IT.

This is why I have no pregnancy progression photos.  Because I always have to ASK and that makes me feel dumb.  I just want him to WANT to take pictures of me because I am so cute and he is so in love with me. no. when I finally ask, I get this half-assed train wreck.

What is going on with my family!?!?!?!







mother’s day is still lame

It’s funny to me that I was finally pregnant on a Mother’s Day and I am still super disappointed in it.  Maybe I should just get ready for a lifetime of this.  Maybe this day is always a let down because the ball is in the man’s court to make it awesome and we all know how that can go.   If I were a guy and my wife was finally pregnant on Mother’s day after 4  years of infertility, I would do something awesome to make her feel special.  Instead I got this:

“But you’re not a mom.  We don’t have a kid.”

Was he fucking serious?

I have a baby kicking inside me.  I am a mom.  I was a mom before this baby was cooking.  I was a mom when I was spending years fighting for this baby’s existence. And I have been a mom to our god damned pets for YEARS.  DO something for ME that shows you appreciate everything I DO for this FAMILY.  Maybe now that you are half-assedly taking care of the litter box you feel like you are my equal, but I assure you that you are NOT.  I am doing stuff to mother everything with a heart beat in this house (including him) and I would like a simple gesture of THANKS for that! Just get me a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup at LEAST!

I know this guy who sent flowers to the hotel room his wife was staying at on a quick work trip just because he missed her! They were there hen she arrived!  It’s those guys who are ruining it for us.  What do they *get* that our men don’t???  What is especially annoying is that  most of my friends think I am married to “that guy,” so I can’t imagine how hard they must feel they have it!

Well, I proved him dead wrong later in the day when I counted 10 texts from friends and family that said “Happy Mother’s Day!”

In yo face!

He semi-admitted defeat in that argument, but did he manage to go pick some wildflowers off the street once he knew what the day meant to me this year? nope!  nothing! nothing happened!


Gah, seriously sometimes I wonder. I really do.

Things are rolling along here.  I am still living with my in-laws.  Its nice, but it is also really rough and I am ready to go!  They are anti-animal, as I may have mentioned, however we are living with them with our two animals.  This is so stressful for me.  We are in a bedroom with the cat, who is literally ruining our lives.  We have the liter box in the bathroom in the room which means when she shits every night, she wakes us up from her incessant scratching to cover it up.  As if in her 13 years as an indoor cat, there has ever been another predatory animal around who would pick up her scent and murder her in her home.  Then, like clockwork every few days, she decides to wretch for a good 30 seconds and then vomit at 4:30 am.  It’s always 4:30.  It is pretty weird.  I love waking up to that. I love cleaning up cat puke at 4:30 am.  Then, once I am done cleaning BARF off THE WHITE CARPET OF MY ANTI-ANIMAL MOTHER-IN-LAW’S CARPET and get myself back in bed, she is all, “Oh good, you’re up!” and I’m like “No. I am not. Please stop licking my arm with your needle covered tongue. please stop nudging your way under my sheets so that you can lie between my legs for 5 minutes before you decide it’s too scary to be there and you leave anyway. and please stop kneading my hair into knots with your knife-like talons.  I haven’t slept through the night in weeks.  Yes I am about to have a newborn- I understand that.  But I don’t have one yet, so I would like to actually enjoy my remaining months of sleep.

It is so bad that A has decided to stop sleeping in that room with me and he has moved downstairs to another bedroom entirely.  We haven’t slept together for like a month.  Because of the cat. This is why people hate cats.   She will eventually kick both of us out and will have a room with a view of the water to herself entirely.  Pure. feline. satanic. genius.

We are desperately looking for a home.  I guess you could say we have until like July, but I am feeling so restless.  We don’t own ONE baby item. I am a planner and an organizer, so if you are the same, you can imagine my horror at this situation.  We are having trouble agreeing on anything.  A has hinted we should just live in an Apartment for a year to save money! (He wants to buy a house next year)  AN APARTMENT!!!!!  Now.  I am not trying to sound like a snob, but I will be 33 years old next month, my husband makes a decent living and yet still, I am going to have to bring my sweet baby home to an APARTMENT COMPLEX with a bunch of 20 year olds and gross people with noisy chihuahuas?!  EFF THAT!!!!  All I can picture is my life as some scene from the movie “Precious” or something like that.

Sorry.  it’s just that two years ago we left the most perfect little house in the most perfect little neighborhood, and I am looking for that again.  I HAVE to have that with a baby.  I was so happy in that house.  It was home.  We put things on the porch during all of the Holidays.  We could have people over.  A said it was sinking us financially and eventually we would have had to leave.  But I was soooooooo happy there.

We are thinking so much in stereotypical male/female roles.  He is thinking bottom line, and I am thinking quality of life.  I want a house or a townhouse where I am happy to be cooped up in all day with a new baby.  He wants to save money so we can buy a crappy house in a semi-desirable neighborhood because we live in Seattle and a fixer upper will cost us at least $400k in the neighborhood we want. run-on sentence, I know.  Yes, I said a fixer upper. That’s not even for a good house.  Our pets, God bless them, add an entirely new level of fun to the process seeing as no one wants our drooley, saggy faced dog and our barfy cat in their rental.  WELL WHY THE HECK NOT?!?! Yes, they are animals, but human kids are way, way grosser!

So anyway, that is where we are.  Our needs have always been met and I need to continue to trust that that does not come in a limited supply.  Our place is out there.  I would just like it to reveal itself sooner than later because I really need to start nesting.

Please pray for us.

Also because, mother-in-law.



Aloha Mainlanders!


This has been a busy few weeks! I can say we have successfully reintegrated ourselves back into the “real world” and are officially on the mainland for good.  It feels really weird to be back and simultaneously totally normal- as if we never left.  We were only gone a year and a half, but seriously it felt like 10 years. I thought time would fly in paradise, but it just did not!  Only on vacation does that happen!

Let’s recap with a little story telling:

First.  The move went fine.  The movers came and I tried not to be a total woman when they were here as there were a few suspect decisions these guys were making with their organization and packing.  Whatever.  I am non confrontational and I would have let them put my best china in a box unwrapped if that’s what they wanted to do.  Hopefully everything will come out on the other side unscathed.  Our movers came on a Friday but we didn’t leave until early Tuesday, so we were bed-less and stuff-less for a few days.  Our neighbors were so nice to take us; and our animals in. The cat had her own room.  It was so awesome.  The first night of course, I awoke to a rumbling in my stomach.  You know- that awesome cramping/rumbling that tells you there’s gonna be some action from your ass!  Well, I did that thing where you just lie there saying to yourself “It will pass. it will stop.  I am too comfy. please I don’t want to get up. It will go awa– oh god it hurts!”

I did that for a few minutes when suddenly, it was go time. I kept thinking to myself that this was so me to have this issue the first time in over a year that I was not in my own bed near my own bathroom. Why WHY WHY WHY!!?!?!  The bed was pushed against the wall and I, preggers, for some brilliant reason, was on the wall side; so I had to swing my leg over A’s body to get out.  This was at about 3:30 in the morning.  As I went to swing my leg, the situation grew very dire and I needed to make haste.  You lose control of your butt muscles when you are swinging your leg, I will just say. scary stuff but makes sense right? I mean I literally almost pooped on my husband.  As I was swinging my leg to position myself to climb over him, I was thinking “omg omg omg please stay in, clennnch… please no please…”  I made it over him and scared the living crap out of him in the process and then made my way down my neighbor’s hall to the bathroom in between our bedrooms.  I turned on the water to mask the potential sounds that were going to come out of me, and rushed, I mean RUSHED to get my little pj pants down,  all the while whispering to myself, “Oh my god, oh my god oh god please, no no no no no no” I barely made it in time and sat down and then everything just FELL out of me!  I mean I didn’t have to give it a single little push! It just  FELL THE HELL RIGHT OUT OF ME!!!! I have never had that kind thing in my life.  As I rested my head on the palms of my hands while recovering from this shitcident, I saw down into my underwear.

I did not make it like I had thought.  I had pooped my pants a little.

I am Kimberly and I pooped my pants this week. I am 32 years old.

Had I gotten out of bed 45 seconds later, I most likely would  have pooped on my husband’s face and body.  I would have pooped right on him.

Anyway, that was the worst of that whole time.  The next worse was when we had arrived in Seattle and I felt cold.  Ok no, the next worse was at the Seattle airport while we were waiting for my father in-law to pull up to the curb to get us.  Mia the cat was in her carrier rested by the curb.  She kept tipping herself over in her soft carrier and I had to right her like a dozen times. I started to get irritated by her lack of brains.  A had taken Norman to a pet relief station and then was rolling him in the crate back to us via smart cart.  At some point- I’m not sure how, but in front of all these people waiting to be picked up, Norman’s crate slipped off the smart cart, crashed to the ground and rolled a couple of times with him in it! “Shit shit shit shit!” is all I could say as I tried to right his crate. I looked in to check on him once it was upright and he was at the back and looked like some kind of Cirque de’ Soleil contortionist. I mean this guy already has the physical look of a pathetic loser, and this was just sad.  “I’M SORRY BABY!” I yelled in front of the less frazzled travelers around me.  Ugh I wanted to cry I felt so guilty.  I opened the door to get him out and see if he had gotten hurt and sure enough he was limping.  Gah! pet owner/mommy fail!  This poor guy. BUT within a few minutes he had walked it off and was wagging his sweet tail being the champ that he is. I hope my human kids are as forgiving when I make these kinds of parenting errors with them.

We are temporarily staying with my in-laws on an island just a quick ferry ride from downtown Seattle where A grew up.  Now I am just hanging out before I travel see some family for the rest of the month.  I have been running into people with my mother-in-law while out an about.  They always ask her about A’s sister and her new baby while I stand there awkwardly waiting to be acknowledged.  And this is fine- they know her and they’ve heard about her new baby and It’s still about her I guess. Totally understandable. Then my MIL will always look at me and say “and A and his wife are expecting as well!”  They will ask me if it is our first and I will say yes and then they will inevitably speak those words that make me want to throw some throat punches:

“Oh, wow, how funny- She beat you all to it!!! Hahahahaha!”

Fuck you.

It’s good to be home!