once, twice, three times a barfy

20130212-125705.jpgWe decided to go to the North Shore to watch the huge waves that the Hawaiian “winters” bring. We always hem and haw about bringing Norman on day-long adventures, but we always try to include him so that he gets activity and lives a full and beautiful life. I’m half kidding.

The trip from where we live to the North Shore is about 45 minutes. Norman usually sleeps in the car so he doesn’t appreciate whats around him, but very occasionally he will stand up and look out the window to check in on the world. We keep his window only slightly cracked because we are still building trust back from last summer’s carmare. As we were arriving to the North Shore’s town of Sunset Beach, Norm stood up to look around. I was thinking, “Aww, look how cute he is when he looks out the window. What is he thinking about? What are his doggie observations and thoughts?” Then suddenly, as he gently panted while looking out, he projectile barfed. I saw the whole thing. No retching, no heaving, no warning. He just opened his mouth and barf flew out of it. So really, all he was thinking was, “Somethingggggg’s happennnninnngggg!”

“He just barfed!” I said

“WHAT!?!” A said.

“HE TOTALLY JUST BARFED IN THE CAR! IT’S EVERYWHERE!”

Car starts swerving. A pulls over.

Then both of us, in vom-induced shock, start mumbling, as if we are singing in a round, “Uhhhhhhhh……oh myyyy god…grosssss…….”

Poor guy. He just looked terrible. Like physically, he looked uglier than normal. We went to the nearest grocery store and got paper towels and Lysol wipes. As I cleaned up, A stood on the other side of the car and talk to a bikini clad woman who had stopped to ask about Norman. I hear him laugh. I have soft dog food under my fingernails. So typical.

We returned to the car and started driving back to our original destination. Soon, I heard that sound. The doggie-I’m-about-to-ralph-sound that we had not heard the first time. “IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!!”  I awkwardly try to throw a towel towards the spot I think it will land in the backseat. Nope. Too late.

He did it again.

and then again.

Thrice.

When we finally lugged all our stuff and got to our spot on the beach, I felt like I had gotten my a** kicked. Norman, on the other hand was just fine and dandy. Like nothing happened. I love that about animals. They don’t lie. They don’t try to milk it. If they feel bad, they honk, and if they feel better once they’ve honked, they move on with their lives like champs. I wish I could be like that. I haven’t changed much since my elementary school days, when after I threw up at like 10:30pm at night, the first thing I would say would be, “Do I have to go to school tomorrow?”

“we’ll see.” Mom’s reaction would tell me that I would need to still “Not feel well” by morning or else I was goin’.

We spent the rest of the day watching surfers battle the most ginormous waves I have ever seen in my life. We saw surfer after surfer crash and disappear into the pounding, rumbling water below them. The average person would have perished.

“okay, that looks pretty intense,” I thought to myself. “But I just cleaned three barfs, soooo….”

disaster

disaster

On the way back from the North Shore. I sat in back with him in case he got car sick again so I could “catch it.” Don’t worry, that’s just sand in his nose.

out the window. almost.

Today we basically had our first major dog incident. Norm just terrorized my emotions.  We were driving down the highway and he had his little shnozz just resting on top of his rolled down window (like he has done his whole little life) suddenly, I heard a different sound- like movement- “(weird, norman never moves)” and when I turned back to check on the mysterious sound, he was halfway out of the window.  (okay side note… to give you an idea of the kind of intelligence we are working with, please see pic below.  This is Norm on the very same ride while we were stopped at a red.  He was in that position for a good 25 minutes before our wituation (*window situation, not to be confused with a *witch situation which would be spelled the same) occurred.

I don’t know why he does this while we drive.  It’s really weird. His head is super awkward- that can’t be comfortable, and the bottom of his chin is completely plastered to the back of the seat at that weird angle. So the wituation was that while I was driving-  yes, every pet owner’s worst carmare (car nightmare) come to life- I notice in my peripheral vision, after I heard the mystery noise while I happily sang along to soft rock….. Norman. His ears flapping in the wind, hanging half way out the window- I’m pretty sure I heard him laughing.  I immediately about crashed the car as I was doing this awkward move where I was trying to hit the breaks without causing him to fly out, roll the window up without leading him to jump out instead of in, and swerving to avoid anything that wasn’t MY DOG GETTING HIS LITTLE BLACK A** BACK IN THE CAR. now don’t go all being offended.  he actually has a black ass.

see?

Norman takes a moment to ponder his purpose

I start screaming “NORMAN!!!!! NORMAN, COME!”  as if that has ever actually been effective… but I really thought maybe he would pick up on the urgency in my voice and we would have one of those amazing moments when we speak the same language and he gets Lassie-like and actually does something inspired.  nope.   I finally had to just wave my arm back and forth until I could find something on his body to grab- he has lots of extra, Bassety skin, so you’d think it would be easy, but I lost my grip on that worthless putty a million times.  Finally, I got a hold of his tail and just PULLED. pulled the crap out that tail!  Norman abuse style! As I was doing this I was actually apologizing to him and then he crashed to the floor board- just awful and yet it’s like he didn’t even notice it happen. Welp, I had to get him IN instead of DEAD and he wasn’t COMING WHEN CALLED LIKE A NORMAL, TRAINED DOG, so this was safest way to stop him from being A total JOYRIDING-ASS-BAG.

When I reached my destination, which, ironically, was a  a do-it-yourself bath pampering session for HIM, ( if this were my kid this would have been akin to giving him ice cream after a tantrum whilest on our way to the ice cream shop) I was shaking and crying and in no mood to pamper him because we were in a huge fight. Lesson learned though.  Windows. Stay. UP.