And we have a heartbeat

I wanted to give you a quick update as my in-laws are here and we are busy! It’s fun.

Ok. So we had our ultrasound today and we saw the heartbeat!! We didn’t hear it as it was just a bit too early, but the baby is looking good!

I am so glad that we saw it because without symptoms I was starting to really convince myself nothing was happening in there. When they first had the wand up in there, my uterus looked completely empty. My nurse was watching the tech and was holding her breath. She let out this huge sigh when the tech found the baby. It was tense for a second. Anyway, that was the only drama. We are still sorta navigating through our emotions. A was like “when will this feel real? Or will the baby come and we will just be like ‘hmm, ohh. baby. Baby is here.'” (As he moved like a robot)”

When they weighed me, I only weighed 114. This is weird as I had a HUGE plate of beans and rice and cheese and enchiladas for dinner last night. I think it’s because I have cut out drinking coffee. (Which usually has equal parts coffee and half and half not gonna lie) A is repulsed by the amount of creamer I use, but is there anything better than a fresh cup of coffee with a shit ton of cream? No.

My mother-in-law is probably on to me as we are coffee buddies, so me saying no to coffee is a dead giveaway. I just said that during IVF I have to cut all that out. but I am sure she knows. We are debating telling them next week. We will probably tell them on Christmas. I will be exactly 7 weeks. Kinda too early to me, but telling THEM wont change anything and they will be wonderfully supportive no matter what the outcome.

Anyway, there you have it!

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5 weeks 6 days i guess

I don’t have much to report but I didn’t want you to think anything was wrong. According to pee pee sticks from 2 weeks ago, I am pregnant. I still haven’t had a single symptom…. I was moody and wanted to kill A today, but that’s because he is worthless.

I spotted for about 3 days after my last post. It was just a bit off and on and then it stopped.

today makes 5 weeks 5 days to be exact, but when you all read this, I will be 5 weeks, 6 days.

Hmm, what else. I work retail at Christmas time. F.M.L

My in-laws are coming tomorrow for 12 days. They are staying across the street. (thank you baby Jesus! It’s a Christmas miracle!)

1st Ultrasound on Thursday. Excited and nervous. Once we know how everything is going with that, we will start thinking about telling immediate family. like the moms.

hoping for some darn symptoms already! just the nice ones like ninja sense of smell. I can’t wait for that bump. I still don’t think it will ever appear. I am just convinced.

I think I’m peeing more than normal. And maybe today I had this little sense of nausea hovering over me. But like tiny. And it didn’t stop me from eating a big ole’ slice of cheese from Costco like a boss. But that nausea could have been just because I am anticipating my mother-in-law being in town for almost 2 weeks.

I kid!

Do I?

Anywho.
-K

beta number 3 and stuff

Beta number 3 was good. I more than doubled since #2, but not by a whole lot.  Here is the breakdown:

#1- 49 (8dp5dt)

#2- 116 (10dp5dt)

#3- 252 (12dp5dt)

Progesterone level is good.

I, HOWEVER AM KIND OF A MESS.

it’s only been 3 days since my last beta and I am already feeling uneasy.  Without the reassurance of doing those, I feel really lost.  It didn’t help that I started spotting a little bit on Sunday and have had a few instances of that in the days since. I hate it and want it to stop. I googled it for a bit, but everyone talked about m/c.  I can’t go there and I don’t want to read about it.  I know that it is normal, but I panicked a little bit.  A is not concerned at all. I do have cramps every now and then and some are stronger than others and all of that just freaks me out. so please tell me that this is all very normal!!!!!!!

I will be 5 weeks tomorrow. This last week CRAWLED.  I have absolutely no symptoms except for one.

Preggo brain.  OMG I am such an idiot.  I don’t have a lot of strengths, but one of my strengths is that I am sharp.  I have mild OCD.  I am very organized, pay attention to detail, etc….

Some examples of my preggo brain include:

  • I could not remember if I conditioned my hair in the shower. I just could not.
  • Made very bad change at the store I work at and had to have this chola looking girl call me out about it.
  • Did a load of laundry and forgot the soap.
  • I forgot my wallet and Nordstrom card for the NORDSTROM CARD 10 Points Holiday Shopping party- that is as dumb as it gets.  Also free bottomless champagne at this event, my favorite.  I will say that I was having a rough night emotionally.
  • Had a homeless man yell “lights!” at me from the street because i didn’t remember to turn them on in the pitch black when I was driving.  a homeless man.
  • Forgetting to warm up my pio oil before I draw it up like I have been doing every morning for 3 weeks.
  • Was convinced I didn’t LOCK the store where I work last night.  Jumped into the car in a hot, sweaty panic.  (made A come with me)  I had locked it. Also, forgot my wallet on the way there.  A just stared at me in disbelief.

I CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Anyway, that’s the latest!

There is a God

You know why!? because CINNABON makes rolls now that are just the ooey gooey middle of the  roll!!!!!  none of the dry outer layer!  BOOYAH!

Oh, but also…. because after almost 3.75 years of NO after NO after NO, I saw two lines. I saw “YES.”

I’m pregnant.

Here is the story.

I woke up yesterday (8dp5dt) and I had had enough of the waiting and wondering. I get up to do my PIO shots every morning at 6:40, so I snuck into the bathroom and as quietly as I could, I opened the packaging of the HPT. I was so nervous, and even as I started peeing and was holding the stick to my pee pee stream, I almost bailed.

“Don’t be a wuss,” I told myself.

I put the test on the counter and then I started to freak out. My heart was racing as I peeked over at it about 10 seconds after I had set it down.

“Whaaa?”

I saw a faint line appear right away.

” NO. what!?!? omg, omg, omg, omg, omg, omg, omg….”

I can’t explain the shock of seeing two lines after all these years. It is quite amazing. My first ever BFP.

I picked it up to look at it and study it closer, but I could barely hold it I was shaking so hard. It was INSANE!

A was stirring, and when I opened our door, he turned over and looked at me. I was smiling like an idiot Cheshire cat. I couldn’t say anything. I had no words. He knew right away.

‘morning babe. What’s up? wait- did you take a test?!?!?!?” All I could do was smile and he knew.

And then he fist pumped as he said “YES!”

You know- I thought that we would MELT into eachother’s arms in a pile of snotty, ugly sobbing, but we were both in shock.

“Eh?!” would about sum it up.

We still are in shock. I am more accepting, but A is having a really hard time believing it and being excited. Which honestly, is a little annoying, but also understandable. Were your partners like that? I am trying not to let it bother me.

We are obviously very cautiously optimistic. But at the same time knowing fervently that this child is starting from perfection, not developing towards it. It is a perfect little child NOW and I refuse to see it as a weak, susceptible being. It is strong and hardy.

After my transfer, I told the embie that we had a really amazing family and friends Aaaaand bonus: some waterfront property on both sides of the family and that it would probably really want to stick around. Also, a mother-in-law with a shopping problem.

Clearly it worked.

little Opportunist.

So I popped into my clinic yesterday because I was short on needles for my progesterone in oil. I told my nurse that we had seen a positive HPT and she was so excited, which was really sweet and reassuring. I was scheduled to have my beta today, but she said since I was there, I should just do it then.

My 8dp5dt beta was 49. I was worried that that seemed really low but she said it was just fine for 8dp5dt, so I am trusting her.

I really have no symptoms. Just a little bit of cramping here and there. I have been tossing and turning at night, feeling hot, and waking up every morning around 5:30 and having trouble going back to sleep. But that could just be my mind swarming with all of this. But that’s it. So basically- nothing. I would like to have some more action so this felt more real. Then again, I also intended years ago that I would have no symptoms as a reward for my suffering, so I shouldn’t really be mad if I am getting what I wanted!

Below are the pics of my HPT’s. The first is my first ever BFP and then the rest are…well the rest.  It’s so fun!  I want to see it everytime I pee! ha!

So there you have it!

Thank you for all your prayers and support during transfer week and always.  You’re the best.

xoxo

-K

First BFP! ( morning of 8dp5dt)  Unbelievable.

First BFP! ( morning of 8dp5dt) Unbelievable.

Can't.  stop. peeing. on. sticks.

Can’t. stop. peeing. on. sticks.

those 3 little words

Okay so i just had to show you this text from my pretty sister-in-law who just had the baby. Yeah, her.

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ANNOYING RIGHT? I did more than eyeroll at home let me tell you. She needed to know that that was such a lame comment, so that was my nice way.

I mean you’ve been a mom for a friggen week! Don’t go belittling me already for getting to be in bed. And PS it’s fucking bed rest! It’s not like I’m being a lazy slob!!!

“Enjoy this time!!”

WHAT!? Enjoy this time!? I’m sorry, Are you my elder? By “this time” do you mean these four years of torture we have endured while we have been infertile- four years that included you not even being engaged yet!?

I could scream.

’twas the eve before fet

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tomorrow is a few hours away. I am a few hours away from maybe my life never being the same.

 

last night I watched Catching Fire beacuse I love the Hunger Games and if you are rolling your eyes right now you can shove it.

Dog the Bounty Hunter and his bitch, Beth were seated next to us. That has nothing to do with anything but I just wanted to brag about that. I now have everyone but Leland and his older brother crossed off my bounty hunter bucket list. Dog’s face was horrifying. His hair was wild like a witch. I couldn’t actually see Beth’s face behind her boobies.

Catching Fire inspired me to think of myself as this little warrior… sticking it to the man. I had no control over being put in this situation, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t handle it. And it doesn’t mean that i can’t handle it while kicking some ass.

I will not be gypped.

I will win this fight.

I am courageous and strong and brave and persistent.

I want to make out with Liam Hemsworth on his face, my god.

I went to the beach today and just sat still with my thoughts.

No phone, no distractions. Just mediated, contemplated, prayed, whatever you are comfortable calling it. I envisioned, believed. I knew the truth about myself and this situation. I am perfect. A is perfect. Our babies are already perfect and loved. We are whole, complete; now. We are not a design flaw. It is just a lie about my precious little family and we are going to right that wrong.

There is enough good for all of us.

There is more than enough joy, love and happiness to go around for everyone.

There is abundant supply for our needs and wants in this world.

We are all entitled to experience the love of our own families.

I’m gonna go get my baby!

-k

 

 

my fat, pregnant television

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My dog held my hand the other night. like, he put his hand in my hand.

This picture of my dog again, has nothing to do with anything. Its is adorable and that is why I put it in here. I hope my future human kids are as sweet as he is.

Do you know what sucks about Hawaii? Pregnant women aren’t hiding under anything. I see pregnant women here in two forms. They are either in bikinis, or they are under skin-tight maxi dresses. Like, as if the whole dress was made from spanx. I went to the beach last weekend and as A was bodysurfing in the water with our friend who was in town visiting, I was reading a magazine on the beach. I am not kidding you, there were 3 pregnant women in tiny bikinis around me on this “deserted” beach. There is nothing more divisive than an infertile woman on a beach surrounded by naked pregnant women.

Yesterday I was in Whole Foods, crouched down and looking at pasta sauce. I practically stood up into this woman. I gazed upwards and an adorable pregnant woman in a TIGHT black maxi and a fedora standing right over me looking at something higher up on the shelf. “Gah!” I said as I avoided a collision between us. I also moved away as if she was diseased at the same time. She thought it was funny, hee hee, because you know, she’s got that ADORABLE belly getting in the way and smacking all sorts of people in their faces!

While I was cleaning my living room this morning, I turned on the t.v and discovered this little gem on the learning channel.

Obese and Expecting.

Have any of you seen this?! Yeah I watched. I watched it good. I watched the whole thing. I am not going to lie and I don’t want to sound like a dick, but this show was infuriating. Yes, because of the fatness. These women are in the high 200’s and low 300’s (pounds) and are pregnant. They have managed to get pregnant and sustain those pregnancies while I, over here, am taking care of myself and I get nothing. These women were sweet and lovely but I can’t help but be angry that people who seem so lazy about their health can get it. Don’t watch it. Well, maybe do. I can’t say anything else without coming off as a hater.

I mean should I just not watch t.v anymore? Tonight on E! (I’m waiting for Modern Family to start OKAY!?!) They did a baby bump story! Oh how fun! I should have changed the channel but I also had this sick urge to be in the know so that I could then be outraged. So here is the breakdown:

Olivia Wilde is 3 months pregnant. Not married, but engaged- been dating Jason Sudakeis since 2011. So, two WHOLE YEARS they have been together. again, not married, but pregnant. annoying.

Jesse James- reality “star,” and generally annoying young girl. Married for 4 months, and pregnant. 4 FUCKING MONTHS MARRIED. 25 years old. just facepalm, that’s all I can do. And I quote, (referring to her 26 year old husband,) “He has been waiting to have kids for such a long time.” no. just no.

Kerry Washington- quietly dated her husband for a year and was married in January. SO… her whole relationship has been about 1.75 years long and she is pregnant. but not me.

Kristin Cavallari, 26- Married Since 2013! SO LONG AGO! Expecting her SECOND with rich athlete Jay Cutler. her SECOND.

So there you have it!

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

sorry for the swear.

Why do these people get everything they want!?

I am just ready for the happy parts. Haven’t we suffered enough? Will this EVER END!? A and I have been an “Us” for almost 13 years and that lame Jesse James girl was 12 and probably in 6th grade when we started dating. It’s our turn, not hers. I know I may be coming to the finish line soon as my FET is around the corner, but this is the longest final lap ever.

Hang in there today, everyone. National Adorable Families day is upon us. I know how hard it is to open door after door to all those kiddos being so cute. Ugh, and the doting, costumed parents who stand behind them, joyfully watching as they shyly say trick or treat, some for the first time. I have closed the door and shed tears many a years on Halloween night. I know how hard and tortuous it can be. It effing sucks. We will all have that one day, let’s intend that! In the meantime, I say we play a game. take a shot for every trick or treater who comes to your door! Or take a shot every time a picture of a toddler in their costume pops up on your Instagram and Facebook feeds. Then, have your husbands take YOU trick or treating, and film it. and then send it to me so I can laugh. okay? okay.

 

they dont get it

I have been having a lot of “they still don’t get it” moments. I woke up last week to a video that was texted to me by my sister in law. It is a minute long and it is just of her 8 month pregnant stomach moving with a baby inside.

“WTF!?!?!?!”

Why would she send that to me?!?!?!?

because she still doesn’t “get it”

She thought I would find that fun. I found it to be salt in a fresh, bloody, gaping wound.

All I could muster up was my response of “Wow.”

My manager at the store I work at is really awesome and has been so supportive of me. I thought she got it the other day when I was behind the counter and a woman with a baby in an Ergo carrier leaned in (basically the baby was in my face) and was sshhh’ing the baby as it cooed and bouncing up and down- seriously you guys, I was about to have a panic attack. It made me so sad. I was so jealous and it just put me in this funk. Well, she noticed.

She asked, “Does it make you sad when people like that come in here?”

“Yeaaaaah, sometimes.”

“I watch Bill and Guiliana so I understand.”

no you don’t.

Buuuuut, I am grateful for Bill and Giuliana because they really have shed some serious light on Infertility. And I am glad that people like her, who manage other people, get a glimpse of the every day experience of an infertile. I think that that is awesome.

Anyway, so after thinking she “got it,” cut to a week later and some of her buddies walk in. One has a little girl with her. Super cute. bitches.

They proceed to talk for a half an hour in our small store all about babies and pregnancy because guess what- one of them was pregnant and had found out the sex the day before! how exciting! They stood there in front of my face and did the whole newly pregnant catch up bullshit. I could feel it in my body- my blood was boiling. I wanted to run out screamig.

How could she not think of me standing right there having to listen to all of this?

Because she still doesn’t get it. that’s why.

I find it so surprising. but then again, not really.

Anyway……..

The stroller I have been obsessed with is releasing a new design in early 2014 so that thrilled me. Maybe finally I can get my stroller and it will be new and improved and it was just in time for me to hopefully have a baybee in the year 2014! Maybe that’s why I have been waiting all this time! To get my stroller at its prime time! It is a top of the line stroller. I think there should be a retail infertility discount. If you can prove that you have gone through IVF, you should get a discount. Why should I have to have a Graco Snap n’ Go because I had to spend all my hard earned money on a baby!? That is no fun! I deserve to have nice things too if I want them! I told you I am vain. deal with it.

Other than that I am waiting. waiting for this dang transfer. I start estrace this week so that’s nice. Finally feel like we are moving forward again. I am getting more and more obsessed with my dog by the day because I am not a mother to a human child. We are becoming those people in Best in Show. you know who I am talking about.

Here is a text between us:

me: Where are you hiding FunBall!?

A: eh?

me: OMG! Funball! Where is Funball! He needs Funball it is his Favorite! Why do you lose everything?! He has a toy bin you know!

A: uhhhhh

me: you’re worthless.

God I hope we have a kid because seriously I don’t know.

Anyway, I have been reading all your blogs and wanting and looking for updates on those of you who have crossed over and those of you with little sick doggies. I am thinking about you all so much!

Until next time!

 

 

 

2 twin or not 2 twin

This looks not fun. Look at that mom. She hates it! or maybe she is mad about what she did to her hair? either way! All bad things!

Okay, this is a cry for help.  We are heavy into the twin discussion.  Something I never thought I would have to think about let alone DECIDE on.

Twins.  They scare the living shit out of me.  I have actively NOT wanted twins ever since I thought about having kids and looooong before A and I started trying.  No way, I would say.  I would kill myself.  I have actually said that.  I would kill myself.  Well, here we are in that place where we are trying to decide….. do we risk it?

I have no idea what to do.  I don’t want to be stupid and waste this opportunity…. But I am so scared that if we chose to transfer two embryos (assuming we have two)  they will BOTH implant and then I am royally fucked. (and completely NOT fucked- you know what I mean)  I don’t want to be a mommy who will be miserable and overwhelmed and frazzled!  I don’t want to feel that way.  I want calm. controlled. orderly. (ish) I feel like I am entitled to, after all the years of sadness, a happy little life with ONE cooing babe.

Also, this is going to sound really stupid… But I am skinny.  I have always been a thin girl.  I’m about 5’7″ and I weigh 118 pounds. I just look at myself and wonder how can THIS (pointing to myself)  withstand twins without looking like Sloth from Goonies when the pregnancy is all said and done!?  I know that is vain.  Well you know what? I’m a little vain. I’ll own that.  I know two big boned beautiful friends who have had twins this year.  But they were built for that shit.  I am not.  Can skinny people do this?  like well?  I mean I have already defied nature at that point, so you can’t use the argument that we are built for this. I feel like maybe some of you are mad at me right now.

But honestly it is less about my body and more about my psychological serenity.  I just really want one. That would be the choice I would make, if I could make the choice today.  But….. then comes that weighing of sides; the pros and cons- from the financial standpoint.  If this is our only shot- our one lifetime insured IVF, then we should put 2 in there, right?  I mean that would be our family if they both stayed!  But If I have some more good embryos, then what about trying one at a time later with an FET?  at $4k a shot. (if we stayed in Hawaii. There is no telling what an FET would cost if we went back home to Seattle- I’m guessing billions?) We should try for two now then, right? it’s only logical.  smart.  wise. But I can’t turn off what is in my heart- I’m scared I can’t do it. I want to parent with Grace. I’m scared I won’t like it because it’s just too damn hard. I don’t want to wish my twins away like those a-holes from that babble article. (but having said that- a little piece of me sort of understood some of what they were saying. Don’t be mad at me!)

Were any of you scared of twins?  How did you make the decision to risk it or not risk it?  I need help! I want to hear all viewpoints. Link me to other blogs that may be helpful.  Lentil, I saw those bony feet in that one photo you posted- I know you had to be thinking about these things!

Retrieval day is looking like Tues or Wed, so I have a week and a half to make this decision!

too easy, too hard

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I needed a picture to go here so I just used one of my dog, Norman.

It’s starting to get real. Needle phobia is rearing her ugly head. I am doing IVF next month and I can’t believe it is finally approaching.

I dont want this to sound ungrateful, but it has been too easy. Okay, aside from being painfully and hellishly hard. Let me explain- Moving to Hawaii put us in a state that gives you one shot per insurance (pun intended) for IVF. We can do one on mine, and then try one on A’s work insurance. We made an appointment as soon as we were settled in. Because we are severe male factor, we literally just walked in there with his semen analysis, and they were like, “Uh huh, IVF with ICSI” and then we had a nurse and a tentative calendar, met with finance people to discuss the low (ish) flat rate co-pay and we were all set. September would be the month. We have barely heard from them at all since then, and over dinner the other night, A and I were like “this has been too easy. No one is telling us anything. All we did was sign up. Where is my horribly restrictive diet? Where is the “Give me a list of all your favorite things. Great now don’t do any of them. and also you can’t lay your eyes on one puppy until this is over, ya hear?”

Is that normal? Is it because all my tests have checked me out to be okay and it’s just a matter of putting the sperm IN the egg? Don’t get me wrong- I know that I am at a top notch specialist. We are one of 10 clinics in the U.S who have that EmbryoScope thingy magoo that watches the embryos in all stages of development. I know that they are very legitimate and highly praised…but they have been so hands off so far! Tell me all the shit I don’t get to do anymore! Tell me I can only eat spinach! I had to put MYSELF on a “Kimmy Fit for Life” program because I feel like something needs to make this seem real. This program basically consists of me saying I am not drinking anymore and then shortly turning around and grabbing a wine glass. to drink wine from. damnit!

I am trying not to be bitter and resentful about it all as the panic about IVF really starts to set in. All the other bloggers talk about being in it together, “it’s not a them vs. me” thing with your spouse, but as the one without the actual physical issue, I can honestly say that I don’t feel that way 100% of the time. I feel like an ass-hole about that. I have never said anything to A that would be divisive- I never, ever would. We ARE in this together….but it is really fucking frustrating to me that the problem lies with A and I have to go through ALL OF THIS. Because it’s not fair! I don’t know if anyone else with male factor has these internal struggles but it would be nice to hear about. I mean I AM suffering like everyone else is. 3.5 years of trying. nothing. Being told my whole future is at stake and then watching everyone around me have all my dreams come true for them on an almost daily basis. I mean I am IN THIS. It’s just…. everything I have done and will do.. all the bloodwork, the vaginal ultrasounds (anyone else feel like that thing is a joystick and the doc is playing a nintendo race car game in your body? Hit the all the gold coins, doc!!) …-and all he has to do is masturbate. like seriously. He gets porn. God, I can’t even write anymore without eating some Oreos right now. Hold on…

Damnit, “Kimmy Fit for Life” is killing me. I have created this fake IVF diet straight out of my imagination and somehow I have convinced myself that getting ready for IVF and pregnancy means I probably shouldn’t eat Oreos. That is super lame, right? Okay Kimmy Fit for Life will be re-examined.

A and I got in a little heated discussion the other day involving my attitude problem. God, his sparkling optimism is really wearing me down. We are so different.

But that is also why I love him. Mr. Happy Hopeful Pants. So I was telling him that if this IVF works, I will be happy, but very scared and nervous. What if it doesn’t stick? I mean we have sort of convinced ourselves that it will work the first time. But, what if it doesn’t? Or what if it does and then it doesn’t anymore? It’s happening to people and it is horrid. I am so afraid that I will be victimized again by my inability to enjoy it. I really feel like it won’t be fun because I will have this haunting feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. because usually it does. He was completely dumbfounded. and grossed out. He was irritated that I would be anything but super pumped. He didn’t get it. And he was mad at me for being a pessimist. “It’s your choice to be afraid and concerned and all fearful, and it’s also your choice to be positive and hopeful and expectant of good. So choose that” I wish it were that easy! I don’t know how to make him understand that I can’t just turn it off!! WILL THE SUFFERING EVER END?!?!?!?!? (said over-dramatically, hands in the air)

He has NO idea- the impact that this has on me and my life literally minute by minute on a daily basis- I know it impacts him too. But for me… I mean, I literally cry every day about it. I work in a store. Cute babies and kids come in all the time. After I am done talking to them, I get teary eyed. Just interacting with children makes me weep. Watching families on the beach enjoy one another makes me cry. daddies and daughters kill me. (more on that, specifically, later) I have two pregnant sisters in law for Fuck’s sake. One who is having her second any day (I’ve been trying before her no. 1 was conceived) and the other is the pretty, perfect, adorable younger than me bitch who gets everything she wants. (correction: she gets everything I want)

Are your partner’s the same? Are you the hopeful one or the doomsday prepper? How do you cope when you’re so different from one another in your approach to this whole mess?