Nothing much has changed.  I still sit on buckets and drink.

Nothing much has changed. I still sit on buckets and drink.

just a girl. standing in front of a reader. asking them to love me.

These “about” sections are really hard to write. It’s like too much pressure I can’t handle it.

<—That’s me. My husband and I are trying to start a family. We were college sweethearts 12 years go and are still best friends. The fertility gods were drunk the day he was born and well, here we are. A family of two. Still. It’s hard, really darn hard. (dard?)  I drink A LOT.  I’m drunk right now.

I have spent the last few years online in search of something I can relate to. A blog, a website, SOMETHING that speaks to me, and I just haven’t found the right thing.

I don’t want to read blogs called, “empty womb, open heart.” or “baby dreams unrealized.” This is not for me. And though I support those women in their grieving and coping process, I’m not as interested in reading entry after entry on all the dirty details of failed baby making.  Those blogs never leave me feeling better or more hopeful about infertility. We think about that crap all the time! I want to laugh! Everything about infertility is hard, so why can’t we take a minute to step back and appreciate the humor in what we are going through? It could be one of those cool cliques where the ones who are in it make jokes about it, but when someone else tries, we just silently look around at each other and make them feel so stupid.

New to the beautiful state of Hawaii, I have found some much needed peace. My husband, who I refer to as “A,” was transferred here for work. It was perfect timing for us as our life at home was becoming a little empty and monotonous as we rotted away in baby purgatory. We decided to pack up and take a break. (I was running away) We miss our support system, but our support system also doesn’t really understand us at all, which made life a little hard. I truly believe I am finding myself out here and for that I am sorta grateful that things are going the way they are.

Now we spend our weekends playing in the ocean while our loser friends deal with cold, wet, whiny kids! (We’re from Seattle)


I am here to be honest. It might not always be pretty, but I want to say the things that we baby challenged are thinking. I will be ashamed of probably 90% of my thoughts for sure, but I want to try to give you some validation. because I couldn’t find that for a lot of years.

I hope you this is a place to relax, laugh and find some solidarity among a very exclusive group of fantastic people.


22 thoughts on “about

  1. Not to be single white female….but I think I love you! I feel exactly the same way you do, I don’t want to read or write little cutesy quotes about life throwing us curve balls or good things come to those who wait. I don’t have time for that shit. I want to get pregnant like 3 years ago. (more like 5 but husband wasn’t ready). I think you are really funny and I love reading your posts! Keep me laughing please!

    • Oh, thank you so much!! It’s nice to know others understand. It’s so important to find solidarity because this shit is lonely. And when we end up back in Seattle we can be best friends. Okay? Great.

      • Did you live in Seattle?? I agree this shit is lonely. My husband is great and supportive and genuinely longing for a baby also but I often feel he doesn’t understand how shitty I feel. I think it’s just different biologically for women. My friends are sympathetic but are not in the same boat that I’m in and don’t really know what to say to me anymore. My family is the same. My mother wavers between telling me she “has a feeling” that everything will work out and being critical about the medical intervention. When I told her I was going to have surgery to remove polyps from my uterus last summer her response was “is that REALLY necessary?” Uh, yeah mom. They took out over 20 fucking polyps! How the hell is an egg supposed to implant when there isn’t ANY normal uterus surface to attach to?? It’s REALLY fucking necessary!

        On another note, my husband and I went to Maui last summer and had the most amazing trip of our life! We LOVE Hawaii and I am horribly depressed we are not going there this summer. I am insanely jealous of you. 🙂

  2. Okay, I totally love you girls! Can we all be BFF? The stars aligned and we all connected… that has to mean something, right?! I like to drink, I love Seattle, and I want a baby, like three years ago! I won’t blogging about all my ho-hums anytime soon, since we are taking a break. But, I hope you all still follow me though my boring “life” posts! 😉

  3. Omg. I so want to grab one or several, probably several drinks with you girls! My hubs and I were engaged in Seattle, so it has a special place in my heart and we honeymooned and FELL in LOVE with Hawaii, so much that I secretly look at houses on Kauai.
    And let’s not get on the topic of kiddo’s, ’cause I drink til it’s Pink, which it never is, so I just drink more. But I would trade that pink cosmo for a pink line any day of the week.

  4. Where are you now? If you visit Seattle let me know and we will definitely grab a drink and talk Hawaii/babies!

  5. I just found your blog via beloved burnt toast. Best of luck with IVF. The needles aren’t as bad as you think! I’ll be checking in on you. I’m with you in laughing through this shit. Otherwise it’s just too too shitty.

    • Hey! Good to meet you! I love your blog! I will be adding you to my list and looking forward to seeing how this plays out for you! And I may even be asking your advice!

  6. Hello! I just found your blog via the Facebooks. I am in love with it already! I love your humor and your voice and the what you bring to the infertility conversation. (I typically like anyone who brings drinks 🙂 ).

    My husband has a job that could take us to the far corners of the world so I know a move like yours is always a possibility. Its exciting and scary, but I lean towards exciting! I love a good shake up 🙂 Good luck in HI and with IVF.

    I run a site called The IVF Informant (http://ivf-info.org/). Check us out sometime. We LOVE contributed stories if you ever feel like sharing! Get in touch any time. I look forward to following your story!

  7. I’ve been following (stalking) your blog for a while…we’ve had such similar experiences with IVF that it’s kind of a scary (minus the fact you are in beautiful Hawaii and I’m in cold Chicago!). My husband and I have severe male-factor infertility and also started our IVF journey in August…starting with an extremely late period! Pushed the retrieval back to October and also had about 30 eggs! With that many eggs we had to delay the transfer to December…looking forward to seeing how your FET goes these next few weeks! Fingers crossed for a BFP!

    • Wow! I am so glad you introduced yourself! We do seem to be living parallel lives…. It’s as not common to meet other ladies dealing with the male actor aspect of all of this, so it is nice to have another comrade in this battle. I am so excited for the FET. I wish I could say those two months flew by but they sort of didn’t, so you just hang in there while you wait!!

      • My husband & I have bought & repaired & resold several homes in our time together, so I have literally spend a lot of time on buckets, often while drinking. Because, lets be honest – painting, or stripping wall paper is MUCH more fun with beer. (or wine, or a gin & tonic, whatever)

  8. Aloha, I’m laying in bed after one week on stims absolutely laughing my ass off and crying at the same time. Not many young people can relate to infertility. Thanks for putting it into words, I can relate to so much of what you’ve gone through. Dr. Frattarelli is my doc too! Bless you and your bundle!

    • No way! That’s insane! Well you are in good hands at that office. They have very good success rates. And all the rest of my embies are there- will you say hi to them for me? I hate being so far away! keep me posted on your progress! I hope to hear about a positive pregnancy test soon!

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