oh. hello….

Forgive me readers for it has been 11 months since my last post.

Listen.  I loved blogging. I really did. Then I had that baby and I reallllly struggled to find the time and further, the inspiration to use that precious time to sit down and blog.  I usually watched TV in a dazed state or did the insane amount of household tasks I was running behind on. Or I’d be busy cleaning up hairballs and poo from my elderly cat or just googling “dog ate a kcup. will he die.”

Also, this:

“I find you to be a disgusting and poor excuse of a friend. You should really do your sister in law a favor and remove yourself from her life. You aren’t a friend you are one off those people who hang around looking for a reason to validate yourself. You are a jealous insecure resentful person. I wish you couldn’t have kids because imagine how you much you are going to screw that kid up. You will be an awful mother. You’re a horrible bitch. I wish your sister in law could see how much shit you talk about her and you call yourself her best friend. With friends like you who needs enemies.”

Then a super condescending and self righteous comment about our choice to delay vaccinations. I wanted to be a reasonable voice for those who feel the same way we feel. But gosh.  And we wonder why people are afraid to speak up, if their instincts take them a different direction from what may be mainstream.  Well guess what. My baby has not had one fever. She has literally never thrown up, (past infancy)  and she has had the sniffles once. I am not kidding. She is almost 15 months old and has never been sick. Who knows if that made any difference, but we trusted our instincts and we don’t regret that choice at all.   Plus, I am not here to get into discussions like that.  When people talk about their kids getting their shots, you don’t see me being all, “I disagree with your choices, so you’re a dumbass!” No. I respect you. So, enough.

yeaoooowza.  So these meanies completely stopped me in my tracks.  I said “Aint nobody got time for this,” and stopped blogging. Yes, I wish these people had read more and had actually really gotten to “know” me and understand that I totally owned my horrible feelings and behavior and I am pretty sure I stated that time and time again. Plus we had a very important “Come to Jesus talk” in which I begged for her forgiveness.   This is the wrath of 5 years of infertility. I fell.  I fell hard duing that time in my life and I am the first person to admit that! But if my blog was going to bring such horrible juju towards my precious family, I was not having it. I did not need people out there thinking bad thoughts about us. And really,  how incorrect they are about me. I am a good mother.  I stay at home and have had no help- meaning I have sacrificed every day of my life, any ounce of independence and freedom to be with her in what I feel is the best scenario for her and us. I have her on a schedule so that her life is safe and predictable and comfortable for her during these early years. I have never spent more than 6 hours away from her (again, no help, not that I don’t want to!) I don’t swear in front of her, A and I don’t fight in front of her. And that is HARD. I am a GOOD MOM. I may only get one shot at this parenting thing, so I really want to do it right! We think good thought for those in need or with failing health, we sing innocent songs, we take walks and look at bugs, we dance, we read all day, and our house is a Gol darned, innocent and beautiful place where unicorns crap rainbows!!

SO. I have missed you all and this community and I always wonder… What happened to so many of these ladies?  I wonder how many of you have gotten pregnant since,  or how many are moving forward and adopting now. Maybe you are taking a break or maybe you have a surrogate. And how many are still suffering so much?  I feel so much love for all of you. I feel the joy, the sorrow.. all of it.

H is amazing. She ripped the wings off of a live moth and ate them at gymnastics the other day. I thought she had a little piece of paper in her hands. but no. She was being a psycho. I worked at the Humane Society, so I was super proud. It is so hard being a parent and I am so grateful for her everyday.  I have just looked at her and bawled with gratitude and disbelief on many occasions, and I know that she thinks I am mentally unstable but you know… I just may be! She is one though, so like seriously who is she to judge!? She cries at the dumbest things too! jk. kind of not really.

Anyway, I wanted to stop in and say Hi.  Everything is Fine. Everyone is fine.  We are all so, so good here. Just busy and tired and time managing poorly. 🙂

PS I tried twitter and was super overwhelmed. I felt like it was all crazy people. So I ran away like a little quitter!

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