One and a half weeks ’til due date. seriously.

Greetings from my own home! Wow, I cannot begin to express how nice it is to be in space that is just OURS and we are  I am running the show and making all the rules. Though my landlord Debera has decided to take it upon herself to be my new mother-in-law, which is big time no bueno. She is so sweet but she touches me a lot (close to my boobs to see if I have dropped) and wont stop commenting on my tummy. Literally. Each time I see her. I don’t know what to say anymore. Yes, I am pregnant. Yup, you can see my bump.  It is starting to get a little irritating. She has no family. Even worse, she HAD a family and now she is divorced, one child died in a tragic plane crash and her daughter (who has a two month old she just found out the name of through friends) has rejected her. So, yeah I can’t really tell her to back the fuck off now, can I? No. Sorry for the swear. At least she lets me clean pet towels in the washer I rent from her. Bonus! But seriously, I kinda need her to back the f**k off. She was checking me for preeclampsia yesterday because she noticed my feet were swollen. Like bent over and started squeezing around my ankles and feet. Then she asked what my latest doctor appointment had revealed. None of her business. Totally inappropriate. The list goes on. This may be a really rough year. I really don’t want to have to have that talk.

I am less than two weeks from my due date. That is incredible to me. Maybe I should get a crib? I am overwhelmed by my fantasy of setting up my nursery and what my budget will actually allow me to do. So a lot of the time I walk in there, look around and make excuses as to why I can’t work and walk out. I am still in denial that I am actually having a baby, (thanks for that, 4 years of infertility!) so instead of reading books and buying things, I am trying to do things that I will never ever be able to do again in my life like wax my eyebrows, get my nails done and have coffee with girlfriends. I have been in Iphone 4 hell (yes that’s a thing) and decided to clear the dang space off my phone and join the rest of the world and finally upgrade to ios 7. Wow. That was exciting. Big day.  I can’t believe you are still reading this horrible post.

Settling in with A is fun though sometimes we are just not on the same page. He hadn’t done really much to help get the place set up- though he gets credit for moving everything IN on his own! A couple nights ago he became possessed as I was settling down and getting sleepy. He decided it was a good time to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS. So he was moving stuff around and stuffing boxes in places that were not logical and I knew it was going to be bad. Whenever he gets the urge to clean, (about two times a year) I can never find anything again.   Well, yesterday as I was opening the kitchen cabinets, guess where I found my little box of crafty washi tape?  Nestled in a stack of glass pyrex bowls. Well why not??!!  Then, I found my cute labeled mason jars of sharpies and pens in… you guessed it- the pantry! Where  the heck ever else? THIS IS MADNESS.

In other big news, my 13 year old cat who hates my husband and who my husband hates, was recently shaved (Yes, every shaved pussy joke has been made already, you sickos) because A hates her hair. I think she is luscious and gorgeous. She is really long haired and super beautiful, but I agreed that it IS hot this summer, and with the baby coming, it would be nice to have a little less hair floating around the house. Fine. Whatever. So we shaved her. Well, now she won’t stop licking my arm! I’m not kidding, it’s all day!  It’s an actual issue in my life right now! She is doing it this moment actually. We took all her hair away and she has nothing to groom, so she is grooming me! Do you know how much this hurts? Have you had a cat incessantly lick you in one place for days? Okay, here is how you will know- take heavy grit sandpaper and just rub it on one spot on your tender, precious skin for a good 5 minutes and then you will want TO KILL YOUSELF. She does this ALL DAY. I habe to literally run from her and hide in other rooms. Ugh, she sucks. I love her so much.  This is the lamest blog post of all time?

So the real “go time” is upon us. We kick it into high gear now. Get all of the things prepared.   All of them. We can do this. My stroller arrived yesterday.  We went for the Uppababy Vista.  I really wanted the Orbit for the last 4 years- I wanted THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING I COULD GET BECAUSE I DESERVED IT, but really, we just liked the way the Uppababy handles and it still makes me feel spoiled, so it’s good. Plus Kim K ruined it for me by having an Orbit.  A really hated that.   So anyway, the Uppababy rides like a dream. I can’t wait to set it up.  I might stroll the kitty around the neighborhood while singing Mary Poppins songs, just to be a big, pregnant weirdo.

I don’t know if I mentioned that we are cloth diapering after the first month or so, so I will let those of you who are interested in it know how that is going.  We used a Sh*t ton of research from my two cloth diapering sisters-in-law, so I didn’t have to do any of the work.  We went with the Tot’s Bots All -in -One for a variety of reasons.  If you are looking into it, research them because they are really great.  They are expensive, but apparently they are worth it in the end.  For now, we will start with Honest diapers. (I guess newborn cloth is not worth the expense and effort a lot of the time) I cannot believe how small the newborn honest diapers are. Amazing.  I can’t wait to see her little tushie.  Especially since that is the body part that gives me the most action from within.  It’s like she is twerking all day! Better keep that to an in-utero activity because mama ‘aint having that on the outside!

Okay, here are some pics of my shower- it was really classy and beautiful.  I can’t wait for those of you who are waiting to experience yours. It’s pretty awesome.  I wanted to cry the whole time because I remember how sad I used to be thinking I would never experience it. Worth the wait. Great presents!  I love presents so much. What’s the opposite of Santa? That’s me.  I’m horrible.



I wish you could have seen the mint napkins. They were perfection.



The spread. Isn’t that cute!?


I allowed two games that were tolerable.


Look at all that prosecco and champagne I couldn’t drink! Thanks, ladies….


holding things up for all to see. I’m obviously only posting pictures of myself where I look prettier than I actually am.


wall of wisdom from friends and family. My mother in law’s said this and I quote: “Just because your child is acting like a two year old, does not mean YOU should act like a two year old.” cool, thanks.


You do a lot of holding things up.



10 thoughts on “One and a half weeks ’til due date. seriously.

  1. Thank you for this post that I am reading at 4:40 am while BFing Hazy!!! I needed entertainment! I’m so excited for you! And happy you have your own place. You seriously might need to just very politely tell your landlord to back the fuck off. She will probably just get worse when your baby arrives and let me tell you you are going to want/NEED space and time with your baby!!! Maybe A can be in charge of answering the door and figure out a way to block her from asulting you? Casually mention that you plan on hibernating and refusing visitors when your baby comes so she gets the hint.
    Anyway, your shower looks like it was beautiful and you look stunning! I can’t believe you only have a matter of days or weeks left… where are you having your baby?
    We are about yo close on our house by Fri which means we will be moving with a two week old…I won’t have to do much but its going to drive me nuts to have other people touching all my stuff and unpacking things differently than I would. I’ll get over it. My turn to stalk you, so update regularly please!!! Good luck, its going to go so great!!!

  2. Is it weird that I love you? Yeah, probably…
    I live in fear of my husband having these little MUST-CLEAN-ALL-OF-IT breakdowns. He does the same thing as A. If my sweater has been left in the living room, it will probably be stuffed in a cubby with the shoes. Why? Because it fits and he cannot see it. And neither can I and then the sweater is gone forever. Worse, he feels that laundry baskets are the equivalent of a storage unit. Electronics, shoes, clothing, paperwork. OMIGOD your blog is therapy. I try to divert the energy by having him vaccuum.
    You will love your UppaBaby. I have the Cruz and it’s sort of a dream. The Subaru of strollers. Versatile, attractive, a wise choice.

    • Hahahaha, what is the deal with these guys!? Glad you continue to love your Uppababy. I think we made a really good choice. Its such a smooth ride and A loves it so we are all happy. I have yet to watch him try to collapse it for the first time though so that should be great. i should probably film that.

  3. You are gorgeous! I guess I’ve never seen a picture of you before!

    So happy you and A finally have your own place, even though your landlord is a bit crazy. I will never, ever, understand the male mind when it comes to cleaning and organization. Thankfully my husband seems to have some organizing skills that make sense, but other times I can’t help but shake my head.

    We’re cloth diapering as well, so I can’t wait to hear about your experience. Your shower looks absolutely perfect; classy and fun all at the same time!

    Glad things are going well overall. Only a few more days until baby’s here!

    P.S. I’m in Iphone 4 hell with you. Mine is finally starting to break down (like won’t open the clock app) so I’m thinking about joining the real world and upgrading.

    • Iphone 4 hell is a real thing and it should not be taken lightly. I need to figure it out before baby comes or I wont be able to take any photos and that would be an atrocity. That’s just one of my problems with my phone.

      Which cloth diapers are you using? I hope you are finding it convenient to do. My sisters have loved the Tots Bots Easy Fits ALL in Ones, so if you are struggling I recommend trying them!

      • I’ve purchased a bunch of different kinds to see which ones we like best. For the newborn stage, we’re using prefolds with covers, but once he gets bigger, we’re going to use all in ones of different types to see which one(s) fit him best. I’ve heard great things about Tots Bots, so I may have to pick one or two up to give them a try!

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