okay seriously get me out of here

I know that it has been like a month. Every time I write, I think to myself, “I wont let it go that long again,” and then I do! Really it’s because nothing has been going on… I have just been living a Ground Hog’s Day kind of life at my in-law’s. I have just been living a Ground Hog’s Day kind of life at my in-law’s.

haha, see what I did there?

It’s ok!  We did finally find an overpriced place that we will be moving to this weekend!  That’s another story….our landlord is a character straight out of a movie, and I just know she is going to be a nightmare sometimes and I am sure I will have lots more to say about DEBERA, but for now, I’d rather talk about month 3 of living with my in-laws.

But seriously she sniffed my husband’s neck yesterday.

okay…

A’s mom has a shopping problem. It’s great for me when she is feeling generous, but that is selfish and I do not like that 4 QVC boxes arrived today alone. Now. Don’t picture a fat, disgusting woman who sits on the couch and coughs a lot. This lady is classy, beautiful clean, and all those things. But after being poor and raising kids on a budget, she can now basically buy herself whatever she wants and my father-in-law won’t say anything about it. It’s out of control.  They just have a weird marriage. That needs it’s own blog. Basically he is scared of her and will never say “No,” or “Please stop frivolously spending my hard earned money.”

While she is home alone all day, she watches a lot of home shopping. She just falls for everything. Thus, the multiple QVC/HSN boxes arriving every week. You could sell her snow in Alaska. I get really protective of my father-in-law because he works so hard and has become a success. BUT I worked for him for 3 years and saw what his life was like to get that successful and it makes me sad to see her blowing all that money on stupid shit that she will use 3 times and be done with.

I am going way off but I am trying to set the scene. Okay so the scene is, she receives packages, I roll my eyes and judge. Usually I report the contents of said deliveries to A or my sister-in-law with disapproving tones. He agrees it’s bad but tells me to stop caring- it’s their business. This past weekend, she got it in her head that she wants a stand up paddle board. Now, I can tell you that these are super fun, and I think it would be awesome to have one at their house. HOWEVER, I know that they run between $800-$2k and I just think it is RIDICULOUS for her to just get one out of the blue when I know she will use it for a week or two and then be done with it. Plus my father-in-law wasn’t even involved in the discussion. Well, A was pushing her to do it because HE selfishly wants one to use when he comes over under the guise of “It will be so fun for the family to use.”  duh. I was so mad, so I was eye rolling at him and trying to tell him to cut it out with my wife-looks everytime my mother-in-law turned her back.

Well, that bastard finally says, in front of her, “WHAT!? Why do you keep making faces and rolling your eyes!?”

OMG! What a dick! He totally called me out in front of his mom! My jaw dropped and I was like “No! I’m fine! Stop!” I was so pissed, I walked out the door and went outside. He has done this before when I am clearly trying to communicate in secret. He will go “What? What’s wrong?!” as I am in the middle of an eye-roll. Makes my blood boil. So we found each other later and I told him that that was NOT OKAY and he goes “You were being catty and childish and I will call you out every time.”  He is so much better a person than I. but…

Oh HELL NO YOU WONT.

I told him that I need to do that for the rest of our lives! This is one of my rights as a wife! I get wife rights to roll my eyes, or sneak him one of many disapproving looks from my artillery while trying to communicate behind someone’s back. I mean, I don’t know what I am going to do without that!  I don’t really think we resolved that. But of course I was mad about being called out and wanted to “talk about it” in our bedroom- the only place we can get any privacy. In the middle me berating, he opened our bedroom door wiiiide open. He has figured out that he can do that to shut me up because his parents will hear me raising my voice at him. And obviously that is really uncomfortable for me because I can only be the villain in that situation.  Can you imagine how pissed that made me!? It’s horrible. SO, his mom hears our door open and goes “oh hey, A!, blahbitty blah…” and he sweetly walks out of our room to go to her, leaving me there with steam shooting from my ears whilest in the middle of attempting to rip him a new one.  That is just one of the reasons living with your in-laws can really suck. It’s virtually impossible to fight with your spouse.

So, all that is almost over and thank God.  I am ready to be queen of my domain and stop being bossed around. “Don’t sell things on Craigslist.”  “My granddaughter will NOT play soccer…” “What are the window frames in your new place made  out of?” followed by disapproving concern that it’s not good enough for us.  WHAAAA????  It is that stuff all day. I’m not kidding.  and then there are the rocks and the shells and glass that I “need” to look at. the same ones I have “needed” to look at for 6 years since this hobby began. They are the same every. day.  the.  same.

I WILL DO WHAT I WANT THANK YOU. and PS all that crap from the beach is the same as it was the day before!  DONT SHOW ME ANYMORE I DONT THINK ITS BEAUTIFUL OR NEAT!  ITS A ROCK! I CAN’T PRETEND ANYMORE!

As for preggo stuff, I’ve officially reached the disgusting portion of this pregnancy. Like right now, I am just sitting in a fog of my own farts. Sorry, but it’s true. I have such gas right now and I just HAVE to let it out! I just keep my finger’s crossed that A won’t come in to the room right after I have had a fart marathon. He will be so repulsed. It’s not good. The other day I had to beg for my 2nd, yes ONLY 2nd foot rub of this entire pregnancy because my feet out of nowhere the other day just filled up like water balloons! I mean,  I could feel the tops of my feet jiggling when I walked! so weird!  As I was lying there on the bed getting “massaged,” A just goes, “babe, your pubes are like crawling out of the top of your sweatpants right now.” I was so embarrassed and we both laughed HARD about it, because it IS ridiculous! It’s because I can’t get to them anymore! I can’t see past the top of my stomach and I can’t even reach around my stomach to deal with them at all! What has become of me!? And wearing gray sweatpants!??!  I’m a monster!  I can’t sleep at night because I have reached bigness that makes any position uncomfortable, so I do a lot of grunting and heavy breathing and angry mumbling to myself. I just sort of feel like I have gone “Animal.”  Again, pregnancy is an honor and a privilege and I tell myself that everyday. I would throw daggers with my eyes at any woman who looked like she wasn’t enjoying her pregnancy when we were trying.  Now that I am on that side, I get it more. But really perspective helps you realize that it is not all that bad in the grand scheme of things.  And also, yes- I will be very ready for her to start living on the outside of me so that I can put on shoes without needing multiple breaks.

I had my baby shower, which was really nice and so I will probably post about that on its own, since this entry has been much too long.

If you made it this far, congrats! You’re a strong reader!

Good Day.

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9 thoughts on “okay seriously get me out of here

  1. I’m always so excited when i see that you’ve posted. I mostly followed your blog as we were doing IVF at the same time. I live in Eastern WA and it feels like living on the surface of the sun this week. I used to fancy myself fairly fashionable, (had to give up the heels about 2 weeks ago) now i look like one of those women who shops at Walmart in her flannel pajama bottoms and flip flops. Anyhow I digress, I just wanted you to know that during a tough time your blog was the ONLY one I could find that I could relate to. It was the only one that ever made me laugh…probably b/c we seem to share a love of Basset Hounds, the F word and booze. Thanks for continuing to write…I picture your MIL as a fabulous SNL character with her QVC and shells.

    • Awwww, that is so sweet. I am glad that I could be there to provide some laughs. Anyone who loves the f-word, booze and bassets is a friend of mine! There should absolutely be a movie or sitcom made based on my MIL!

  2. I love the humor you infuse into the stories of your MIL! And your hubby is a brave man to call out his pregnant wife in front of his mom. Mine would be dead. So dead.
    I feel you on the foot jiggling. It is bizarre. My first pregnancy was primarily a winter pregnancy, and I did not have any swelling. Watching my feet inflate and deflate, and feeling them jiggle when I walk barefoot, completely weirds me out! I look forward to the shower post!

  3. You have me beat – I got ZERO foot rubs (claims he hates feet… what-EVER).

    I know you’re suffering and for that I am sorry, but I love these MIL stories because they are highly entertaining. Send your blog link to TV producers and I guarantee she’ll get her own reality show.

    • She should have a show, but it would be so boring. Then intermittent exciting and hilarious things for 5 mins. Then so so boring again.

      Well i hope you start getting foot rubs NOW!!

  4. I somehow convinced myself that my feet did not change at all during pregnancy, however I could only handle wearing my shoes – any shoes – with extra thin socks. I determined this was a predilection I developed coincidentally during pregnancy having nothing to do with the ballooning state of my feet. Strangely enough, I can handle socks again. Weird, right? Did I not look down? Or perhaps, I could not look down.
    Pregnant farting is the worst. Worst of all is pregnant farting when you go pee because it opens up all sorts of floodgates. I live in a small apartment. J had to embrace it or move out.

    • Haha!!! I peed a little at ikea when I tried to push a little toot out. It was bad. A was supportive though. But he does get tired of me stinking up our bedroom. That’s justified I suppose.

  5. I am glad you found a place! Where will you be living? We are still in house hunting hell. Trying to stay calm and not get so desperate that we buy a house that’s all wrong for us. I also have to BEG my husband for foot rubs. And the complaining that accompanies the rub makes it almost not worth it. Almost.

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