prison diary

It is day 63 of my in-law imprisonment.

It is a beautiful prison, but it is still prison. If you saw pictures of where I am living you would want to kill me. BUT here is some of the stuff I am dealing with my not being in my own space.

1. I was sent to the laundromat to wash 4 towels. Not poopy towels, but doggie towels used for bedding and wiping feet. Towels that are MINE. I spent 3 hours and about $12 doing laundry at the laundromat, when there are perfectly nice, high tech machines in the house where I am living. Just put those babies on the sanitation setting and call it a day. but no. Really? is my dog that disgusting? God forbid my kids spill, or throw up, or whatever when they are at Grandma and Grandpa’s house or we are off to the laundromat. I wonder how she feels about me doing my cloth diapers at their house?

3. After washing my already clean hands before dinner in the kitchen area bathroom, my MIL said, in a very accusatory tone as if to say I have been failing at this already… “did you remember to wipe the sink?”

me: “What? like wipe the top of the sink? yes.” (which is weird alone)

Her: “No, the WHOLE sink… inside and out.”

WHAT THE FUCK!? Who does that!? After washing my hands, I am to take a towel and wipe any water off the top and out of the inside of the sink. She doesn’t want water marks on the glass. Granted it is an all glass sink. But COME ON!!!! Yeah I just don’t wash my hands in there anymore. ‘Aint Nobody Got Time for that!

3. The ironic part is that because we disgusting scum are living there now, they have a house cleaner come every week. Yet, we still need to wipe out the g. damned sink every time we use it regardless of the fact that the cleaner will deep clean the thing on a weekly basis.

wipe this entire sink in and out when you wash your hands!

wipe this entire sink in and out when you wash your hands!

4. I can’t put forks in the front two compartments of the utensil bin in the dishwasher. I can’t even remember the reason why.


6. I can’t lean against the folded down blanket that’s draped over the couch. It cannot be leaned against or it will DIE!!!

DO NOT lean against this blanket while lounging on the couch!

DO NOT lean against this blanket while lounging on the couch!

7. “don’t forget to lock the doors when you leave.” Everytime I leave, I am told that. I am almost 33 years old. I don’t need to be told to lock the friggen doors behind me, especially in a house that isn’t mine. I have never NOT locked my house door upon leaving. If you tell me to lock up behind me one more time, I will seriously scream.

You guys these are just a few things.

Whats funny too, about it all is that my MIL is a bored, empty nested beach comber. She walks the beach everyday and collects crap- dirty crap, and puts it around the house. I mean every surface is covered in rocks, beach glass, shells, DEAD CRABS AND STARFISH. This stuff is on the kitchen table…where we eat and yet, I can’t put dirty linens in the dirty linen cleaning machine.

Isn't this a nice collection of crap!? this does not even scratch the surface.

Isn’t this a nice collection of crap!? this does not even scratch the surface.

These are dead starfish. My MIL found pain that matches their pre-death coloring. So yup! On days she says she is really busy, she is busy painting dead starfish!

These are dead starfish. My MIL found paint that matches their vibrant pre-death coloring. So yup! On days she says she is really busy, she is busy painting dead starfish!

Oh did I forget tomention that she dried out dead crabs and then positions them? Now I do think this is hilarious. But still gross. She tells me this guy is writing with his feather pen! uh huh! THIS IS REAL!

Oh did I forget to mention that she dries out dead crabs and then positions them in vignettes around the house? Now I do think this is hilarious mainly because of how insane it is.  She tells me this guy is writing with his feather pen! uh huh! THIS IS REAL!

We have tried for three little houses. The first we got rejected from. (Dog) the second, we had an appointment to see, only to be called the night before and told that it was rented. WHAT THE HECK!?! We didn’t even get a chance to see it and show how awesome we are! Who does that!?!?!?! The third, turned out to be a Craigslist scam. Which is crazy because I think everyone is trying to scam me, so I am super good at seeing a scam from a mile away. Nope. “Jonathan” from somewhere in Africa almost got us. Why can’t everyone just be NICE AND HONEST!?!?!?!?!

I know I still have time and need to be patient, blah blah blah, but at this rate I am looking at a July move-in with an August baby coming. For a planner and need-lots-of-lead-time-to-feel-good-about-lifer, this is simply horrifying. That gives us about a month and a half to have a nursery done and a house set up. All our stuff is still in a crate at some shipping dock. Ok,  now that I have written that, it still seems very doable, it’s just not what I want. But if there is anything I have learned in life, NOTHING GOES THE WAY YOU WANT. Maybe that’s just my life. I do eventually get what I want, but it just comes really annoyingly. okay, fine i can deal with that.

Let’s see. My baby shower invites went out and I am so excited. It’s real. I think it is going to be an amazing day. It will happen to fall on my birthday as well, so I know its just going to be super fun. My friends who are throwing it have event experience. We also live in classy, fun, trendy Seattle; so I know they are just going to do so well. Also, Pinterest. Also, PRESENTS!

I am getting bigger, fast. Sleeping just became interesting. I need 4 pillows positioned just right.  A is still sleeping downstairs because of our god forsaken cat and her hairballs and litter box scratching. Between that, living with his parents and not having sex in months, I basically feel like I have no husband. He reads the paper in the morning at breakfast while I stare at him, at dinner we are eating with his parents repeating childhood stories that I have heard literally dozens of times, and then off he goes to his separate bed. I don’t likey. The sex part is fine- God I could go without that for the rest of my life, but it does make me sad. Two nights ago I had a very vivid lesbian dream which super weirded me out! It was very graphic. I feel super naughty about it and will not tell A because he would be mortified and jealous. I am blaming it on pregnancy dreams and nothing else. The girl was some random girl from high school too, which is so weird. She had the softest lips. Oh my gosh! I mean seriously! **pounds side of head** “Get out of my beautiful memories, lesbian lover!!!!”

Okay I have gone on long enough. I seriously love them to death, and am so grateful for their help while we are in transition, but things are just. so. strange. over here.

How about a bump shot?

Me, because my husband NEVER thinks to take pictures of me….. “A, can you take a side shot of me for my mom? she wants to see.”

A: “Sure.” click. hands it back to me.

And this is what I saw when I later looked at my phone.


Wow, Don’t I look nice and happy.  Thanks for trying not at all.  Did you even look at the picture after you took it? This was acceptable? look at my face. JUST LOOK AT IT.

This is why I have no pregnancy progression photos.  Because I always have to ASK and that makes me feel dumb.  I just want him to WANT to take pictures of me because I am so cute and he is so in love with me. no. when I finally ask, I get this half-assed train wreck.

What is going on with my family!?!?!?!