Aloha Mainlanders!


This has been a busy few weeks! I can say we have successfully reintegrated ourselves back into the “real world” and are officially on the mainland for good.  It feels really weird to be back and simultaneously totally normal- as if we never left.  We were only gone a year and a half, but seriously it felt like 10 years. I thought time would fly in paradise, but it just did not!  Only on vacation does that happen!

Let’s recap with a little story telling:

First.  The move went fine.  The movers came and I tried not to be a total woman when they were here as there were a few suspect decisions these guys were making with their organization and packing.  Whatever.  I am non confrontational and I would have let them put my best china in a box unwrapped if that’s what they wanted to do.  Hopefully everything will come out on the other side unscathed.  Our movers came on a Friday but we didn’t leave until early Tuesday, so we were bed-less and stuff-less for a few days.  Our neighbors were so nice to take us; and our animals in. The cat had her own room.  It was so awesome.  The first night of course, I awoke to a rumbling in my stomach.  You know- that awesome cramping/rumbling that tells you there’s gonna be some action from your ass!  Well, I did that thing where you just lie there saying to yourself “It will pass. it will stop.  I am too comfy. please I don’t want to get up. It will go awa– oh god it hurts!”

I did that for a few minutes when suddenly, it was go time. I kept thinking to myself that this was so me to have this issue the first time in over a year that I was not in my own bed near my own bathroom. Why WHY WHY WHY!!?!?!  The bed was pushed against the wall and I, preggers, for some brilliant reason, was on the wall side; so I had to swing my leg over A’s body to get out.  This was at about 3:30 in the morning.  As I went to swing my leg, the situation grew very dire and I needed to make haste.  You lose control of your butt muscles when you are swinging your leg, I will just say. scary stuff but makes sense right? I mean I literally almost pooped on my husband.  As I was swinging my leg to position myself to climb over him, I was thinking “omg omg omg please stay in, clennnch… please no please…”  I made it over him and scared the living crap out of him in the process and then made my way down my neighbor’s hall to the bathroom in between our bedrooms.  I turned on the water to mask the potential sounds that were going to come out of me, and rushed, I mean RUSHED to get my little pj pants down,  all the while whispering to myself, “Oh my god, oh my god oh god please, no no no no no no” I barely made it in time and sat down and then everything just FELL out of me!  I mean I didn’t have to give it a single little push! It just  FELL THE HELL RIGHT OUT OF ME!!!! I have never had that kind thing in my life.  As I rested my head on the palms of my hands while recovering from this shitcident, I saw down into my underwear.

I did not make it like I had thought.  I had pooped my pants a little.

I am Kimberly and I pooped my pants this week. I am 32 years old.

Had I gotten out of bed 45 seconds later, I most likely would  have pooped on my husband’s face and body.  I would have pooped right on him.

Anyway, that was the worst of that whole time.  The next worse was when we had arrived in Seattle and I felt cold.  Ok no, the next worse was at the Seattle airport while we were waiting for my father in-law to pull up to the curb to get us.  Mia the cat was in her carrier rested by the curb.  She kept tipping herself over in her soft carrier and I had to right her like a dozen times. I started to get irritated by her lack of brains.  A had taken Norman to a pet relief station and then was rolling him in the crate back to us via smart cart.  At some point- I’m not sure how, but in front of all these people waiting to be picked up, Norman’s crate slipped off the smart cart, crashed to the ground and rolled a couple of times with him in it! “Shit shit shit shit!” is all I could say as I tried to right his crate. I looked in to check on him once it was upright and he was at the back and looked like some kind of Cirque de’ Soleil contortionist. I mean this guy already has the physical look of a pathetic loser, and this was just sad.  “I’M SORRY BABY!” I yelled in front of the less frazzled travelers around me.  Ugh I wanted to cry I felt so guilty.  I opened the door to get him out and see if he had gotten hurt and sure enough he was limping.  Gah! pet owner/mommy fail!  This poor guy. BUT within a few minutes he had walked it off and was wagging his sweet tail being the champ that he is. I hope my human kids are as forgiving when I make these kinds of parenting errors with them.

We are temporarily staying with my in-laws on an island just a quick ferry ride from downtown Seattle where A grew up.  Now I am just hanging out before I travel see some family for the rest of the month.  I have been running into people with my mother-in-law while out an about.  They always ask her about A’s sister and her new baby while I stand there awkwardly waiting to be acknowledged.  And this is fine- they know her and they’ve heard about her new baby and It’s still about her I guess. Totally understandable. Then my MIL will always look at me and say “and A and his wife are expecting as well!”  They will ask me if it is our first and I will say yes and then they will inevitably speak those words that make me want to throw some throat punches:

“Oh, wow, how funny- She beat you all to it!!! Hahahahaha!”

Fuck you.

It’s good to be home!