i have somthing to tell you!

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Reusing picture of cat so blog does not spoil with next picture…….

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Yeah I’m basically freaking out right now. I really didn’t care what we were having. I was convinced it was a boy, so I was completely ready for the confirmation from the anatomy scan.  Well, apparently deep down I really did want a girl, because I have been a blubbering, laughing, smiling, back to blubbering crazy woman for the last week. I am getting my girl. I cannot believe that after everything we have been through, the cherry on top is that I get to do this:

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and this:

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Here is the story:

We went in for the anatomy scan at 8:30am. We were even having the discussion of whether to find out or not as we got into bed the night before.  A said that if it was up to him, he would have it be a surprise, but that he thought I needed this, so he was happy either way. So, as I was lying there they were going over kidneys, liver, etc… Obviously I care that everything is normal, but I really don’t want to get fixated on all the physical stuff. I don’t want to be consumed with this child’s body. I am just really guarding my thought about this little one and that makes sense to me. So I really wasn’t too interested in hearing all about her insides. This is when we get to the good stuff. The legs, the feet- yeah we know what that means- the nether region. The tech was super sweet and asked if we wanted to find out the sex. So A and I looked at each other with a smile and said in unison, “Yes.”

“Okay,” she said. “It’s right there on the screen actually.”

Ehhhhhhhhh? “I don’t see what you’re talking about. I mean I don’t know even what angle we are looking at.”

And she goes, “Do you see those three lines?”

Now, Had I not googled “18 week ultrasound gender reveal” about a million times and watched other people’s videos and read their notes, I would not have had a context for what “3 lines” meant. I very easily could have thought, “oh yeah three lines- leg line, penis line, then leg line. 3 lines.” But I now knew that 3 lines was a little *vajayjay thanks to over-researching.  *note to self: come up with the word we will use for vagina. Must be inventive and humorous.

So I gasped in and said, “Girl?!!” and she said “Yep!” and I started sobbing. I was completely surprised by my reaction. I could cry now just thinking about it. I was just so shocked. and sooooooo happy. A was so excited too, which was so darn cute I could barely handle it. Picturing him with a little girl is almost too much.

I don’t mean for this post to be a metaphorical rubbing of the salt in the wound to those of you still in the trenches, but I am making a point here.  A year ago I was in the shit pit of all this. 3.5 years in and pretty depressed. Our only choice to have a chance at a family was IVF with ICSI.  Daunting in the least. That seemed so big, so grande, that I never thought I would have the guts or the money, or the stamina to go through with it.  But we did it. We attacked it. And it worked. And I will be holding a baby girl in my arms in 5 months.  Don’t Give up.  Don’t you ever. Don’t you ever give up.  Keep breathing,  Keep moving. Don’t waste time- go for it. Go for it now.  They will tell you it’s impossible, but it’s not.  We have science, we have miracles, we have strong, stubborn, wonderful human will.  4 years ago, I thought that I didn’t want to live if it meant living without my kids.  I would wake up and it felt like my family was dead. I re-lived that every morning. I didn’t want anything to do with my own family.  I didn’t want anything to do with my friends.   Fuck that.  Fuck Jealousy and anger and bitterness and isolation.  Fuck horrible nightmare fantasies of a happy life unrealized.  Keep fighting.

You never know what a year can bring.  You may be reading this thinking your life is over, but a year from now you could be almost 5 months pregnant with a baby girl on the way.  I never would have believed it.

BELIEVE IT.

17.75 weeks

I feel badly that I haven’t been keeping up with my writing.  SORRY!  I had a feeling this would happen- get  pregnant and then sort of lose interest in writing. You know why? Because I am not so angry anymore! I wrote when I was feeling angry! It was an outlet! But now I am sort of………plateauing. plus my life is so boring you guys it’s really kind of sad.

I am 17.75 weeks.  Barely showing a bump at all.  Haven’t felt the baby move.  Honestly, nothing really feels different… STILL.  I am sort of struggling with this.   I plan for the baby and talk about the baby, but I feel like one of those crazy psycho women in Lifetime Television movies who are in total denial and just pretending they are having a baby.  because they are NUTS.  I am still having a lot of trouble connecting to this pregnancy.  Not that I am not so so so so grateful, it’s just that I thought pregnancy would make me feel, well…. pregnant.  But I totally feel the same. I mean I am almost halfway through!  You have to be kidding me! I go to the doctor’s and I hear the heartbeat. This is very helpful….. They say there is a child growing inside of me, but I have yet to sense anything. It was moving around like crazy last time and the nurse practitioner was like “You don’t feel that?!”   If this were a hundred years ago, and I hadn’t been able to take a pregnancy test and see ultrasounds, etc, I honestly would still be thinking something was up with my cycle and I am just not getting a period. That is all.  I would be the idiot ass-hat from “I didn’t know I was pregnant!” I could be that girl! I get it now!

I spend my days watching a lot of tv I mean A LOT. I had my last day at my job last week and since then I have been focused on our move back to the mainland.  And by focused on our move, I mean watching a shit ton of tv in between making various 5 minute calls.  This move is happening in April.  I am the logistics planner of this event.  I am good at this stuff because I am hyper organized, but I am also lazy.  Still, we are just a one car family (NEVER DO THIS DO YOU UNDERSTAND? NEVER BE A ONE CAR FAMILY IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST) so this makes it very hard on some days for me to be productive because I am literally trapped at home. I do still ride my bike into town, but I can’t really carry much back with me, so trips to town really don’t serve a purpose besides me getting fresh air.  Also, I feel like I should maybe stop riding my bike because [apparently] I am pregnant and Hawaiian drivers are the absolute worst, so I should tighten up the safety protocol.   I have no friends, no car, no sun, no job. I am bored bored bored.  My dog was ready to kill himself and he is the laziest basset hound around. Even he has been  like, “Uhhhh Can we get some sort of entertainment up in here or something mom, I mean really.  I’m bored” So I took him to the park yesterday where he got a 1″ slit bit into his ear by a meanie dog, which then resulted in us spending our afternoon at the vet.  This poor pup.  He is so friendly and loves all dogs, but doesn’t understand boundaries. He has these huge, what we call “Tortilla Ears,” and it was a matter of time before some a-hole was smart enough to grab this vulnerable target and just go to town.  His ear looked like someone took scissors and just started cutting right up the middle. He was dripping blood all over but still walked with a happy trot, tail wagging as we made our way back to the car to get him to the vet.   Luckily he didn’t need stitches and it will just heal on it’s own with antibiotics.  He will have a bad-ass notch in his ear.  Battle wound! You said you wanted adventure, Norman! While we were driving to the vet I said to A, “I love Norman so much.  I mean, like a child. I love him soooo much.  Can you believe that it will be like 100 times stronger of a love when our human baby comes?”  A nodded in agreement that that is hard to fathom.  That is pretty cool.

I am enjoying adding to my online registry as I think of or hear of things that sound interesting.  It’s totally private right now because I don’t want people thinking I am selfish and already making lists of what I want. but um, yeah I am secretly making lists of what I want.  We are going to cloth diaper, so I am doing lots of research on that.  Seattle, one of the greenest cities in the country doesn’t even have a decent cloth diapering store, so I am making a trip to Oklahoma City to visit family and go to their awesome cloth diaper store where I can look at all the brands and get some one-on-one advice while actually being able to hold them in my hands. I have to go to Oklahoma to do this, people.  That is sad.  Both my sisters are cloth diapering with so much enthusiasm, that I know I will have it figured out when I get home. Not that they are the ones who told me about cloth diapering.  Remember I have been trying since before either of them had their first baby, so it’s annoying to me that they think they are helping me with their “original” idea. No. I planned on doing this years ago.  Is that bad that I still feel that way? particularly with my younger sister-in-law who just had her baby.  She wants to give advice on things that I know that I know more about even though she actually has the baby, and then I get all irritated that she thinks she is sharing anything new with me. I mean Hello!? I have years of research under my belt.  She wasn’t even married yet when I had picked out my stroller, etc!  I got her birth announcement last week- it was super cute- just how I would do it, and I texted her saying I loved it and she texted back “Oh! Thank you! I have LOTS of suggestions on that experience if you want any advice!”  And all I could think of was “I am 32 years old. I think I can handle picking out a picture and putting it in a template and ordering it from Minted.com. How hard was that for you and why did you learn so much and why was it even an “Experience?” ugh.  I’m so mean, but seriously, who would need help with that. I’m still so defensive about things!  You can take the girl out of infertility but you can’t take the infertility out of the girl. These poor people can hardly ever win with me!

We still don’t know what we are having, but should find out at this week’s appointment.  I am having my big anatomy scan then and should know. That should help me feel more bonded.  We thought we would find out at the 16 week appointment, but the baby was being shy. Little stinker.  I love it though.  If it is a girl, we are off to a wonderfully modest start.  For some reason, I don’t really care if my boy is a naked guy.  As long as he keeps his naked in his pants until he is in a committed, loving, long-term relationship. Granted, if he takes after his father, he wont be able to get anyone pregnant, which would be a relief, but we won’t tell him that, will we?

I will be getting back to some of you who emailed about the meds. I apologize for such a delay.  The Menopur and Crinone were spoken for that day I wrote that post, and all I have left is the Bravelle.  I will contact those who left their emails, in the order that I received them to see if you want the Bravelle and I will just work down the list until I find someone.

Happy Monday!