“So technically after this procedure you will be pregnant……”
my doctor said that to me during my transfer. I didn’t hear anything after that. blah blah blah something about not drinking and holding off on the crack cocaine. sure sure sure. I’m pregnant until proven otherwise. Holy cow.
So here is the breakdown of
my our my experience.
To end the suspense, I will reveal that A and I chose to transfer one embryo. We weighed a lot of factors- physical, emotional and financial, and decided that for this try, one was the right choice for us. I felt very at peace about it this morning and still do now that it’s over.
We arrived and waited a lot. We were surrounded by women who were more like lady pirates than future mommies. We usually take the 7:45 appointments. This was the 10:30 crowd and it was a lot different. I felt like I was in a bar on singles night. All the women brought other women friends with weird personalities.
After eavesdropping on the pirate talk, we were brought to our doctor’s office. When we walked in, there was a picture on a television screen. It was a picture of our embryo. My first thought upon seeing it was “Aw, crap.” It didn’t look good. Here is a picture of what a normal 5-day blastocyst looks like:
And this is what ours looked like, depicted in this artwork by me.
A and I later both said that when we walked in, we thought that he was going to say, “Okay, we have an issue….well….I am sorry to say…. obviously yours exploded. yeah it blew up.”
Well, apparently it was hatched! I would like to think that this little guy/gal is really ready for us!
So that was a relief.
We got to our little room to change and wait for our transfer. This is when we both shared that we each had thought our baby had blown up. We had a really hard laugh about it. My sweet, little butterfly-angel nurse came to get us and we walked into the room that looked like something out of the modern day star trek ship- computer screens, machines, and the lone, space-aged reclining bed in the middle. so awesome.
Dr. F came in and “prepared” me. This was probably my least favorite part. He shoved that speculum in me without warning. well, he gave that “warning” they teach you in vaginey school “…pressure..” nothing else- just that word. Well, at this point in the process your bladder is feeling pretty full and apparently those two areas aren’t separated by much, so I was like “DAAAHHHHHHHHH KELLYCLARKSON!”
He fiddled and fiddled. This went on forever and at one point it felt like he put a bottle brush in there, which I did not appreciate. I remember when we did our one IUI, the doctor had trouble getting the catheter through my cervix. It must be weirdly shaped because everyone always takes their sweet time getting that thing in me. So he was down there forever and I had to pee more and more and was getting a little crampy too. This made me a little cranky. Then he asked my nurse to really push the ultrasound wand hard on my stomach. I had to keep my eyes closed to focus and really pull from my jedi mind power abilities so that I did not torpedo pee into my doctor’s mouth.
Then, after a few minutes, I hear my nurse say, ‘did you see that, A?”
WHAT the FUCK!?!?!!
I missed it all. They didn’t turn the screen towards me or tell me it was happening. They did it without me! Ummm, hellloooooo????? I thought that was supposed to be the moment that made this last push in ivf worth it; that you get to see and participate in the wonderful moment that your child is possibly conceived. Whelp, no. not for me.
Eff that, man!
It’s ok. I’m over it. I got to see it before he sucked it up into the catheter. I told it I loved it with a little tear in my eye. It was truly an amazing sight to see something that is A + me. I really wasn’t sure we would ever have anything that was an A + me.
It was glorious when I finally got to pee. We rested for 20 minutes before that, so it was rough. I just closed my eyes and tried to sleep and focus on really dry things. A held my hand in the chair next to me. He is so sweet. I love him so much I can barely stand it. I am so lucky to have him. We stopped at starbucks this morning (for him) on our way to our appointment. As we sat outside in the sun together, he took my hand and said, “If I haven’t really said it before, I would like to officially apologize that my sperm don’t work. And thank you for doing all of this because of me.”
Marriage. That’s what it is. We have experienced true marriage this year. Sometimes that’s what happens. Sometimes in your partnership, you have to be the one to unfairly carry the burden of someone elses’ problem, issue, mistake, etc. Selfless love. That’s marriage. I am not saying that I am a hero, but it has been a good and necessary lessen for me.
We are better for this.
As for bed rest, well I was born for that, baby. Bring on naps, tv, movies and internets. Lovin’ it!
Today, I have Cinderella on my pio buttcheek. I would like to think that it’s a sign- a metaphor for this process. I got hosed, and had some dirty, messy years, but my time is coming. Mayyyyybe today I hop on that carriage that takes me to my happily ever after.
I still believe in those.