4dp5dt- this is torture

I hope that everyone had a delightful Thanksgiving.  We were at the beach in the morning with the pup and then spent dinner outside, which was a first, under swaying palms at our shared house with our neighbor and our dogs. It was so relaxing.  The irony is not lost on me that this is the first time I had unlimited access to wine, (both A and my parents are non-drinkers) didn’t need to worry about the drive home, and could do NOTHING about it.  cry cry cry cry cry cry.

It’s obviously an easy sacrifice, (however it would be a lot easier if I actually knew for sure that I was preggers!)

which brings me to today.  Maybe it’s crazy, but a little bit of panic has been starting to settle in. I know that it is so early but I haven’t felt ANYTHING.  I just want to feel something.  It’s like nothing ever happened in there!  My body is like this- It doesn’t really talk to me.  I felt nothing while stimming, and I really don’t feel anything due to my PIO shots.  I mean, my sides are sore, but no other side effects.  I like not having side effects, but there is no checks and balances within my own body which is bothersome.

Also, anyone poop like they are a friggen’ deer or rabbit while doing PIO shots?  These are the most unsatisfying poops of all time as I sit there pooping pellets until they’re gone and then it’s done. Not like that nice big push where you are all “ohhh yeeeeaaaah.”  I have been eating a lot of kale.  maybe it’s the kale.

Anyway, I have read that some people get BFPs by the end of 4dp5dt but I am going to try to hold out until Sunday or Monday I think. That would be 6dp5dt but I still think I may just not test at all until my beta.  I know know, what do you think?  When did you get BFPs if you did, after a transfer?  Was your transfer fresh or frozen?  I know I wont have a false positive because I didn’t trigger, so that’s super swell. One less thing to factor in.

Anyway that’s the latest.  Gosh I need more distractions. Thanksgiving week should have been a good one, but we don’t have family around and I’ve had a lot of time off. That all comes together to create behaviors of over googling.

Bad girl!

Happy long weekend to you all!

-k

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those 3 little words

Okay so i just had to show you this text from my pretty sister-in-law who just had the baby. Yeah, her.

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ANNOYING RIGHT? I did more than eyeroll at home let me tell you. She needed to know that that was such a lame comment, so that was my nice way.

I mean you’ve been a mom for a friggen week! Don’t go belittling me already for getting to be in bed. And PS it’s fucking bed rest! It’s not like I’m being a lazy slob!!!

“Enjoy this time!!”

WHAT!? Enjoy this time!? I’m sorry, Are you my elder? By “this time” do you mean these four years of torture we have endured while we have been infertile- four years that included you not even being engaged yet!?

I could scream.

fet recap

“So technically after this procedure you will be pregnant……”

my doctor said that to me during my transfer. I didn’t hear anything after that. blah blah blah something about not drinking and holding off on the crack cocaine. sure sure sure. I’m pregnant until proven otherwise. Holy cow.

So here is the breakdown of my our my experience.

To end the suspense, I will reveal that A and I chose to transfer one embryo. We weighed a lot of factors- physical, emotional and financial, and decided that for this try, one was the right choice for us. I felt very at peace about it this morning and still do now that it’s over.

We arrived and waited a lot. We were surrounded by women who were more like lady pirates than future mommies. We usually take the 7:45 appointments. This was the 10:30 crowd and it was a lot different. I felt like I was in a bar on singles night. All the women brought other women friends with weird personalities.

After eavesdropping on the pirate talk, we were brought to our doctor’s office. When we walked in, there was a picture on a television screen. It was a picture of our embryo. My first thought upon seeing it was “Aw, crap.” It didn’t look good. Here is a picture of what a normal 5-day blastocyst looks like:

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And this is what ours looked like, depicted in this artwork by me.

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A and I later both said that when we walked in, we thought that he was going to say, “Okay, we have an issue….well….I am sorry to say…. obviously yours exploded. yeah it blew up.”

Well, apparently it was hatched! I would like to think that this little guy/gal is really ready for us!

So that was a relief.

We got to our little room to change and wait for our transfer. This is when we both shared that we each had thought our baby had blown up. We had a really hard laugh about it. My sweet, little butterfly-angel nurse came to get us and we walked into the room that looked like something out of the modern day star trek ship- computer screens, machines, and the lone, space-aged reclining bed in the middle. so awesome.

Dr. F came in and “prepared” me. This was probably my least favorite part. He shoved that speculum in me without warning. well, he gave that “warning” they teach you in vaginey school “…pressure..” nothing else- just that word. Well, at this point in the process your bladder is feeling pretty full and apparently those two areas aren’t separated by much, so I was like “DAAAHHHHHHHHH KELLYCLARKSON!”

He fiddled and fiddled. This went on forever and at one point it felt like he put a bottle brush in there, which I did not appreciate. I remember when we did our one IUI, the doctor had trouble getting the catheter through my cervix. It must be weirdly shaped because everyone always takes their sweet time getting that thing in me. So he was down there forever and I had to pee more and more and was getting a little crampy too. This made me a little cranky. Then he asked my nurse to really push the ultrasound wand hard on my stomach. I had to keep my eyes closed to focus and really pull from my jedi mind power abilities so that I did not torpedo pee into my doctor’s mouth.

Then, after a few minutes, I hear my nurse say, ‘did you see that, A?”

A: “Yeah.”

WHAT the FUCK!?!?!!

I missed it all. They didn’t turn the screen towards me or tell me it was happening. They did it without me! Ummm, hellloooooo????? I thought that was supposed to be the moment that made this last push in ivf worth it; that you get to see and participate in the wonderful moment that your child is possibly conceived. Whelp, no. not for me.

Eff that, man!

It’s ok. I’m over it. I got to see it before he sucked it up into the catheter. I told it I loved it with a little tear in my eye. It was truly an amazing sight to see something that is A + me. I really wasn’t sure we would ever have anything that was an A + me.

It was glorious when I finally got to pee. We rested for 20 minutes before that, so it was rough. I just closed my eyes and tried to sleep and focus on really dry things. A held my hand in the chair next to me. He is so sweet. I love him so much I can barely stand it. I am so lucky to have him. We stopped at starbucks this morning (for him) on our way to our appointment. As we sat outside in the sun together, he took my hand and said, “If I haven’t really said it before, I would like to officially apologize that my sperm don’t work. And thank you for doing all of this because of me.”

Marriage. That’s what it is. We have experienced true marriage this year. Sometimes that’s what happens. Sometimes in your partnership, you have to be the one to unfairly carry the burden of someone elses’ problem, issue, mistake, etc. Selfless love. That’s marriage. I am not saying that I am a hero, but it has been a good and necessary lessen for me.

We are better for this.

As for bed rest, well I was born for that, baby. Bring on naps, tv, movies and internets. Lovin’ it!

Today, I have Cinderella on my pio buttcheek. I would like to think that it’s a sign- a metaphor for this process. I got hosed, and had some dirty, messy years, but my time is coming. Mayyyyybe today I hop on that carriage that takes me to my happily ever after.

I still believe in those.

-k

 

 

’twas the eve before fet

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tomorrow is a few hours away. I am a few hours away from maybe my life never being the same.

 

last night I watched Catching Fire beacuse I love the Hunger Games and if you are rolling your eyes right now you can shove it.

Dog the Bounty Hunter and his bitch, Beth were seated next to us. That has nothing to do with anything but I just wanted to brag about that. I now have everyone but Leland and his older brother crossed off my bounty hunter bucket list. Dog’s face was horrifying. His hair was wild like a witch. I couldn’t actually see Beth’s face behind her boobies.

Catching Fire inspired me to think of myself as this little warrior… sticking it to the man. I had no control over being put in this situation, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t handle it. And it doesn’t mean that i can’t handle it while kicking some ass.

I will not be gypped.

I will win this fight.

I am courageous and strong and brave and persistent.

I want to make out with Liam Hemsworth on his face, my god.

I went to the beach today and just sat still with my thoughts.

No phone, no distractions. Just mediated, contemplated, prayed, whatever you are comfortable calling it. I envisioned, believed. I knew the truth about myself and this situation. I am perfect. A is perfect. Our babies are already perfect and loved. We are whole, complete; now. We are not a design flaw. It is just a lie about my precious little family and we are going to right that wrong.

There is enough good for all of us.

There is more than enough joy, love and happiness to go around for everyone.

There is abundant supply for our needs and wants in this world.

We are all entitled to experience the love of our own families.

I’m gonna go get my baby!

-k

 

 

the maiden pio shot.

Okay, I know it was only the first shot, but it was so uneventful, that I feel like I should share what we did in case any of you are facing these shots down the road.

I accumulated a lot of tips and this is what I did this morning. It was painless. I had no lump, and a just a tiny dot of blood. Now, my skin just may not be that sensitive, who knows. Also, it may get tougher as we go, but I would like to think that it will not and I am going to hold to the fact that this does not have to be a battle!

We decided to do them in the morning, because we are coming on Holiday season with lots of days off doing lots of fun activities. A’s parents are singing melekalikimaka this year, so we don’t want to worry about our evenings being all screwy. I also would be moving around for the day instead of going straight to bed, so that was another benefit of doing it in the morning. We’re doing 7:00am shots.

  • 6:40 am: Woke up, ran hot water over a wash cloth. Rang (rung?) it out and wrapped the oil vial in the washcloth and left it on the counter while I got other stuff together. (I would put it in my bra, but obviously I am not wearing a bra when I wake up and I sure as hell wont put one on just to do all this, so…)
  • right after, that I fed my dog. This has nothing to do with progesterone, I just wanted to paint a picture for you.
  • THEN, I microwaved a tube sock filled with rice. I can’t find my heating pad, but read that this was a good solution and gives you a nice moist heat. The sock did feel really moist afterwards, so that was true! I guess that kind of heat permeates to the spot better.
  • I put the tube sock on the area that would receive the injection to warm it up a bit.
  • Unwrapped the vial and drew up the injection- this was easy- oil definitely looked like it had thinned out being wrapped in the washcloth
  • Handed syringe to A for him to continue heating by holding it firmly in his hand.
  • While all this was happening, I was still holding the warm sock on my back when I had a free hand to do so.
  • I pull down my pants and A makes that disgusting, sexual hum of approval. eyeroll.
  • THEN, I iced the spot for about 2 minutes
  • I laid myself down on my side in bed with the leg of the side that was getting the shot just pulled up a bit. totally relaxed.
  • When A did the injection, I felt nothing- I was aware it was going in and there was a sensation, but it wasn’t pain. He pushed the oil in slowly and I felt a small sensation, but again- not pain
  • It took about 15 seconds to get it all in. He took the needle out quickly.
  • While he dealt with properly disposing of the syringe, I put gauze on the spot right away and began massaging it. A came back to take over and massaged it with the heated sock pressed on the gauze for a few minutes. After the massaging was done, I put a band aid on it (which I didn’t really need) and just held the heat on it until the sock started to cool.

And VOILA!

No Pain! No Gain!

Aw, crap.

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Here is my upper butt/lower hip region. I was laying on my left side and received the injection on my right. A drew quadrants on me in front of our nurse yesterday and he marked an x to get the general area marked. Buying fun band aids helps I think. Today was a hello kitty day. As you can see, I am not as tan as I should be considering I live in Hawaii. shutup about already.

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IFV station #2 is now in our bedroom since we do these so early in the morning. Make it organized and cute and you will feel better and it will all go faster! Here is my ugly rice tube sock heat source. My dog Norman is obsessed with this thing for some reason. I hit him with it when he tries to steal it and I say ” I don’t think so. Homey Don’t play that!”
*When I say “hit” I really mean I bump him on his bum-bum. probably not the cleanest thing to do, but i don’t have the energy to care!

t-minus 6 days and PIO shots.

Doesn’t it feel like it’s taking 3 billion years for me to have this transfer already!?

Gosh, I’m so SICK OF ME!

I had my last Ultrasound and bloodwork done this morning before the transfer! Ahhhhhhhh it’s happening!!

Monday.

Monday could change the rest of my life.

and maybe it wont. But I am going to intend that it will.

We will let them know by tomorrow if we will transfer one or two. We are both leaning towards the same answer.

Progesterone in Oil shots start tomorrow morning. or maybe at night.

I’m scared shitless.

When should I take them- morning or night? We are always home in the morning so we are leaning towards that. But to start the day like that!? ugh. Don’t want evening plans for the next 8 weeks to be affected either, though. Did anyone do it one way and wish they had done something differently with the perspective of hindsight?

My stims were as easy as they could be. I didn’t mind them at all. but these? these looks hardcore.

Help!

I want any and all advice on how to avoid pain as much as possible! Link me to links, and whatever you know exists. Tell me. I am digging out my “cramps” heating pad today. Does numbing cream exist over the counter?

and more importantly, Why is alcohol off the table at this point in the process!??!?!

CRUELTY TO INFERTILES! CALL PETA!

I DONT WANNA TO DO THEM! (said lying on the ground kicking my legs up like Stuart from MAD TV)

Okay. cool.

standing by.

 

my big Aha moment and an apology

You probably didn’t really enjoy my last two posts because I sounded like an absolutely bitter bitch.  I am a little embarrassed to be honest, about how negative my posts have been.  I guess I am in one of those phases, where I am just struggling and feeling really done.  Yes, being on the cusp of my first FET while my younger, prettier sister-in-law has a baby before me is not helping.   Yes, my friend with the awkward husband (who looks like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons) goes to Vegas with another woman (who looks like a Vegas model with platinum blonde hair- I am telling you nothing about this makes sense.  NOTHING. It’s seriously Mr Burns and Jenna Jameson do Vegas.)  every year.  Apparently they are BEST FRIENDS (still outrageously inappropriate) and they go withOUT my friend.  THE WIFE.  Anyway, they are lame and my friend is due in January and only told me a few weeks ago- this isn’t helping.  Getting texts with video of my new niece being swaddled in the hospital and handed to my sister-in-law who is being discharged at the exact moment I am in tears, agonizing over how many embryos to put in, isn’t helping.  But still.

I do need an attitude check.  I am doing it for the right reasons, (like because I am a grownup) but also maaaaayybe I am afraid that the Universe is going to be all, “mmm, you’re being a real brat-  life wishes denied.”

I have come to a realization, had my big Oprah AHA! moment, of why I am so deeply angry about all this. This is something I have touched on slightly, but haven’t really gone into.

When I was 9, my dad died. He was only 42 years old. He had a brain tumor and rotted away in our house for 2 years.  It was horrible. Like something from a movie.  My dad was at the end of a long, dark hallway  spending his days, going blind and turning into a vegetable in a rented hospital bed.  Everything about it was so depressing.   It turned me into an angry child and an anxious adult and I felt, and felt deeply, at a far too young age, that life is really, really unfair. And there is nothing you can do about it.   Ever since he died, I had a very strong desire to rebuild my family.  to have “normal.”  To experience FAMILY like so many others around me were experiencing.  I also have been mourning that lost relationship for the majority of my life. The empty chair at the dinner table. Father’s day.  Daddy’s little girl.  Being spoiled.  Being adored. First date speech.  Learning to drive, Meeting my boyfriend, bringing me flowers after watching me in the school play, college graduation, family vacations,  being asked for my hand in marriage. Walking me down the aisle at my wedding.  Our father-daughter dance.

And now, here  I am again with that sense of extreme longing.  And I didn’t do anything to deserve it.  I have been feeling the pangs of infertility in another sense, for 23 of the 32 years of my life and I’m exhausted.  That’s why I am a little bitter when I talk about statistics not being in my favor. How I struggle with having faith in things going “my way” because that is not a faith that I am comfortable or familiar with. It is really hard to shake that silly notion that the Universe is out to get me and I am not meant to have what others get to have. A says I have a major victim mentality. I agree.  ‘Cause sorry, but I’m kind of a victim.

That doesn’t mean that I am not in charge of my own thoughts.  I know that what you think about, you bring about. And as long as I continue to expect disappointing experiences, I will probably HAVE a lot of disappointing experiences. I need to get some control here over the way I think.  Expect good.  I don’t want you all to read this blog and come away rolling your eyes at me and I am sorry if you have. My mission here was to spread laughter, and I turned it into one of those bitter, angry blogs.  I need to stop that!

So I apologize for being debbie downer.

I’m going to go eat some cheese.

Also, please someone tell me what to do- 1 or 2. thanks.

it’s a girl! duh.

Sure enough, when I woke up, sister in law had had the baby. a girl.  of course, because that’s what I want!  She did not steal my baby name, however the middle name was a name I have admired in the past, but hadn’t seriously considered.  Still feeling really relieved about that.  She was also early and had the baby on the day she had hoped. Her text to me me on Tuesday- “Thursday would be really nice! Yes, Thursday would be a good day.”  Today is Thursday. haha, I just started laughing.  of course. this girl, I swear.  She really does get everything she wants.

My feelings are mixed. I was, I wouldn’t say excited per se, but more curious at first and wanted to see pics but it is weird- I just can’t connect that baby to her.  I see the picture of her holding the baby in her hospital bed, but it feels fake.  Like she is holding someone else’s baby. I guess that comes with the territory when you shut someone out for their entire pregnancy.  Once it sank in, I got a little emotional, which of course, annoyed my husband.

“Are you moping?”

“no,  try not to be hard on me today.  It’s hard for me, ok!? This really happy thing should be easy and fun, but its JUST HARD and I can’t turn that off.”

He is happy because he is an Uncle! (I guess becoming one two years ago when our nephew was born didn’t count because it was MY brother’s kid?) annoying.

“I’m an Uncle! oh man this is crazy”

me, face in my pillow: “You were one TWO YEARS AGO”

A: “Yeah but this is different!”

me: “Cool.”

Anyway, I am glad it’s finally over. I can relax.

No one is pregnant.

yet.  🙂

it’s time. for her.

Well, as you all are sleeping you pretty little faces, I sit here. waiting  My sister in law is in labor.  It’s happening. When I wake up tomorrow, I will probably wake up to the happy news. and the high likelihood that one of my baby names has been taken because that’s just my life.

Except I’m not happy.  I thought that after all these months it would get easier, and I would finally be at this place where I was excited, but I’m not.  I feel only two feelings.  Irritation or nothing at all.  I really want to be excited- this is my sister-in-law; one of my best friends, but I have been just so damn jealous and I was never able to get over it, that even now, as she is about to bring my sweet niece or nephew into this world, I still feel pain instead of excited anticipation.  And that makes me feel horrible.  Of course the timing is a little rough- I am literally a week and a half out of either having my dreams come true or be crushed… so there is that fear that I am going to be mourning the failed FET while everyone around me wants me to be so happy and ecstatic!  Let’s share  a million photos a day! and talk all about the baby! THE BABY!  God I hope that’s not what happens.  I don’t know if I can handle it.  Also, A’s parents just confirmed they will be joining us for Christmas which we are really excited about, except that A’s mom will just be coming back from her three week stint as new grandma where she will have been finally realizing her only life dream. If I have to hear about that on replay for the two weeks that they are here as well as be inundated with pictures of the perfect, beautiful family, I may just book the next flight to the mainland. (longest sentence ever)

Anyway back to me.  My appointment went well. Firstly and most importantly, he was a magician with his wand.  That sucker slipped in LIKE A GLOVE (read: Ace Ventura) I did think I was going to toot or poop in his face though, so that was horrible. But he said that my uterine lining looked awesome and that I was on pace for the FET Monday or Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. he booked me again for Friday.  We asked to follow up regarding our retrieval and wanted to open the discussion on one versus two embryos, etc.  Well, he was caught off guard (I still had no pants on when I asked) and he sort of glazed over it and it left A and me feeling more confused than we were before.  We know we have 6 frozen embryos.  All blasties.  He said they were all good. He then gave us some percentages and statistics regarding two vs. one and success rates, etc, and now we are more confused than ever.  I guess we expected our recap to be a little more sit down with tea and go over each stage of development for all of my embies and start the discussion on making an informed decision for the transfer together, based on a variety of emotional and medical factors.  no way. did not happen.

The two babies discussion continues in our home.  I think about it all day and all night. I am at a loss.  40% success rate for one transferred.  75% chance if we put in 2.  1-4 chance for twins.  well, I know me and my life and I have a weird 6th sense, so I KNOW if I put in 2, I will get pregnant wit twins. Everything I never wanted.  I would feel like I SHOULD be soooooooooooo grateful, but I would be a little pissed that yet AGAIN, something would go the opposite of what I wanted on this poo road we call IF.  But I also want to be pregnant SOOOOOO BAAAD that I just may be willing to take that risk. Whats worse? pregnant with twins, or not at all?

Anyway, that’s all for now. Wish me luck for when I talk to the glowing new mommy.

 

 

11.11.13 is all i can think to call this.

hey! Sorry I have been out of the loop but I have been so busy knockin boots with my man-lover! I wish I was kidding, but you guys, I have had sex 3 times this week. THREE WHOLE TIMES. That’s like some kind of record. (when not actively trying with timed sex duh.)

It was A’s birthday last Monday and I had all these Hawaiian surprises for him, even getting him the day off of work by emailing his boss and telling him do DO WHAT I FUCKING SAY. Okay, so I did not do that, but more like “pleeeeeeaaaaassssseeee????” It was so fun to surprise him and make it about him, because well, let’s face it, it is always about me. not on purpose!

We stayed one night at a super amazing resort called Turtle Bay. It is on the North Shore of Oahu and it is freaking sweet. Remember the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? It was filmed there. I may post pictures to make you jealous with rage. We woke up to the waves, did it, then sunbathed by a pool in front of the ocean. bliss. I wear contacts but the pool was salinated, so I even got to open my eyes under water! I haven’t done that in so long! I even skinned my knee showing A one of my sweet tricks. I felt so alive!!!

I am also house sitting and working more than I want because everyone at my job quit and I am covering more hours. Have I even said what I do? Well, I work at a shop that sells Jewelry supplies, so I work in the store and I teach basic jewelry making classes. I am hoping to get really good and open an etsy shop, but I am scared. okay? super. It’s all very new and I wouldn’t consider opening it unless I thought I was good enough which will probably be never.

I have an appointment tomorrow at my clinic to get rolling on my FET. It is tentatively scheduled for the 26th. I was missing my doctor’s amazing skill getting that wand in me so fast. I wonder if he still has the touch. Don’t tell A but I also took care of some woman-scaping for him. I never do that for A but yes, today I thought of doctor F in the shower and was like ‘Ooo!” and cleaned things up around my undercarriage. I just don’t want all those people to think I am gross. Not that I have much going on down there usually, but, well. I don’t know. I am really excited for tomorrow’s appointment because we will go over our retrieval and he will tell us what he thinks about everything and how our little babies did. Last time I saw him I was going on about the clapper, so hopefully it won’t be awkward. We are also looking for some input on whether we put in 2 embryos. Still don’t want twins.

What else…. this video of my dog has gone mini-viral through posting it on my facebook page. I know it will put a smile on your faces. Anyway, if I can figure out how to make money off this dog, I will do it. Remember, I have expensive taste. I need the monies.

oh an my stupid SIL is 3cm dilated. it’s happening.

Gotta get my beauty sleep for my hot date with a transvaginal wand tomorrow!