my fat, pregnant television


My dog held my hand the other night. like, he put his hand in my hand.

This picture of my dog again, has nothing to do with anything. Its is adorable and that is why I put it in here. I hope my future human kids are as sweet as he is.

Do you know what sucks about Hawaii? Pregnant women aren’t hiding under anything. I see pregnant women here in two forms. They are either in bikinis, or they are under skin-tight maxi dresses. Like, as if the whole dress was made from spanx. I went to the beach last weekend and as A was bodysurfing in the water with our friend who was in town visiting, I was reading a magazine on the beach. I am not kidding you, there were 3 pregnant women in tiny bikinis around me on this “deserted” beach. There is nothing more divisive than an infertile woman on a beach surrounded by naked pregnant women.

Yesterday I was in Whole Foods, crouched down and looking at pasta sauce. I practically stood up into this woman. I gazed upwards and an adorable pregnant woman in a TIGHT black maxi and a fedora standing right over me looking at something higher up on the shelf. “Gah!” I said as I avoided a collision between us. I also moved away as if she was diseased at the same time. She thought it was funny, hee hee, because you know, she’s got that ADORABLE belly getting in the way and smacking all sorts of people in their faces!

While I was cleaning my living room this morning, I turned on the t.v and discovered this little gem on the learning channel.

Obese and Expecting.

Have any of you seen this?! Yeah I watched. I watched it good. I watched the whole thing. I am not going to lie and I don’t want to sound like a dick, but this show was infuriating. Yes, because of the fatness. These women are in the high 200’s and low 300’s (pounds) and are pregnant. They have managed to get pregnant and sustain those pregnancies while I, over here, am taking care of myself and I get nothing. These women were sweet and lovely but I can’t help but be angry that people who seem so lazy about their health can get it. Don’t watch it. Well, maybe do. I can’t say anything else without coming off as a hater.

I mean should I just not watch t.v anymore? Tonight on E! (I’m waiting for Modern Family to start OKAY!?!) They did a baby bump story! Oh how fun! I should have changed the channel but I also had this sick urge to be in the know so that I could then be outraged. So here is the breakdown:

Olivia Wilde is 3 months pregnant. Not married, but engaged- been dating Jason Sudakeis since 2011. So, two WHOLE YEARS they have been together. again, not married, but pregnant. annoying.

Jesse James- reality “star,” and generally annoying young girl. Married for 4 months, and pregnant. 4 FUCKING MONTHS MARRIED. 25 years old. just facepalm, that’s all I can do. And I quote, (referring to her 26 year old husband,) “He has been waiting to have kids for such a long time.” no. just no.

Kerry Washington- quietly dated her husband for a year and was married in January. SO… her whole relationship has been about 1.75 years long and she is pregnant. but not me.

Kristin Cavallari, 26- Married Since 2013! SO LONG AGO! Expecting her SECOND with rich athlete Jay Cutler. her SECOND.

So there you have it!

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

sorry for the swear.

Why do these people get everything they want!?

I am just ready for the happy parts. Haven’t we suffered enough? Will this EVER END!? A and I have been an “Us” for almost 13 years and that lame Jesse James girl was 12 and probably in 6th grade when we started dating. It’s our turn, not hers. I know I may be coming to the finish line soon as my FET is around the corner, but this is the longest final lap ever.

Hang in there today, everyone. National Adorable Families day is upon us. I know how hard it is to open door after door to all those kiddos being so cute. Ugh, and the doting, costumed parents who stand behind them, joyfully watching as they shyly say trick or treat, some for the first time. I have closed the door and shed tears many a years on Halloween night. I know how hard and tortuous it can be. It effing sucks. We will all have that one day, let’s intend that! In the meantime, I say we play a game. take a shot for every trick or treater who comes to your door! Or take a shot every time a picture of a toddler in their costume pops up on your Instagram and Facebook feeds. Then, have your husbands take YOU trick or treating, and film it. and then send it to me so I can laugh. okay? okay.



they dont get it

I have been having a lot of “they still don’t get it” moments. I woke up last week to a video that was texted to me by my sister in law. It is a minute long and it is just of her 8 month pregnant stomach moving with a baby inside.


Why would she send that to me?!?!?!?

because she still doesn’t “get it”

She thought I would find that fun. I found it to be salt in a fresh, bloody, gaping wound.

All I could muster up was my response of “Wow.”

My manager at the store I work at is really awesome and has been so supportive of me. I thought she got it the other day when I was behind the counter and a woman with a baby in an Ergo carrier leaned in (basically the baby was in my face) and was sshhh’ing the baby as it cooed and bouncing up and down- seriously you guys, I was about to have a panic attack. It made me so sad. I was so jealous and it just put me in this funk. Well, she noticed.

She asked, “Does it make you sad when people like that come in here?”

“Yeaaaaah, sometimes.”

“I watch Bill and Guiliana so I understand.”

no you don’t.

Buuuuut, I am grateful for Bill and Giuliana because they really have shed some serious light on Infertility. And I am glad that people like her, who manage other people, get a glimpse of the every day experience of an infertile. I think that that is awesome.

Anyway, so after thinking she “got it,” cut to a week later and some of her buddies walk in. One has a little girl with her. Super cute. bitches.

They proceed to talk for a half an hour in our small store all about babies and pregnancy because guess what- one of them was pregnant and had found out the sex the day before! how exciting! They stood there in front of my face and did the whole newly pregnant catch up bullshit. I could feel it in my body- my blood was boiling. I wanted to run out screamig.

How could she not think of me standing right there having to listen to all of this?

Because she still doesn’t get it. that’s why.

I find it so surprising. but then again, not really.


The stroller I have been obsessed with is releasing a new design in early 2014 so that thrilled me. Maybe finally I can get my stroller and it will be new and improved and it was just in time for me to hopefully have a baybee in the year 2014! Maybe that’s why I have been waiting all this time! To get my stroller at its prime time! It is a top of the line stroller. I think there should be a retail infertility discount. If you can prove that you have gone through IVF, you should get a discount. Why should I have to have a Graco Snap n’ Go because I had to spend all my hard earned money on a baby!? That is no fun! I deserve to have nice things too if I want them! I told you I am vain. deal with it.

Other than that I am waiting. waiting for this dang transfer. I start estrace this week so that’s nice. Finally feel like we are moving forward again. I am getting more and more obsessed with my dog by the day because I am not a mother to a human child. We are becoming those people in Best in Show. you know who I am talking about.

Here is a text between us:

me: Where are you hiding FunBall!?

A: eh?

me: OMG! Funball! Where is Funball! He needs Funball it is his Favorite! Why do you lose everything?! He has a toy bin you know!

A: uhhhhh

me: you’re worthless.

God I hope we have a kid because seriously I don’t know.

Anyway, I have been reading all your blogs and wanting and looking for updates on those of you who have crossed over and those of you with little sick doggies. I am thinking about you all so much!

Until next time!




heads and tongues

I have been so neglectful of this blog lately,  but honestly I just can’t think of anything to write!!  I am waiting for my transfer and until that happens, I am living a very boring existence, just waiting for my life to begin. The wait like hurts in my body, do you know what I mean? I know waiting your life away is really bad….. but….. I am waiting my life away.

All that aside, here is a funny little glimpse of our life in Hawaii.  A has made some friends (co-workers) and last week A texted me that he wanted to go to this guy’s housewarming party/baby shower.  I was like, “no.” and he was all “please.” and I was like “God, fine.”  Then he goes ” Can go to Target and get them a baby gift?”  To which I was all, “Fuck you.”

I explained to him nicely that baby shower gift buying is not something I particularly enjoy doinig right now for people I LOVE, let alone people I have never met. I really would rather not subject myself to that. I asked that we stop by Target on the way to this event, get them a gift card and call it a day.

Well, we did do that and A never goes to Target- When we arrived I was like, “Welcome to what is simultaneously my heaven and my hell.” He laughed, a little dismissively.  After about 5 minutes in there he goes, “My God, it’s all women with babies.”  to which I said “yes, that is correct.”  I could tell that he was overwhelmed by the amounts of families, and again not to be snobby, but the Target we go to is made up of a group of people that fall into the “young” and not “emotionally mature enough to parent with grace in a public setting” category.  I started to get pretty squirmy and was glad we made that errand a fast one.  When we walked through the exit he looked at me and just said, “Whoa.”

A’s friend who was hosting the party said it was BYOB, so we brought a 6-pack with us as well.  When we arrived at the house and walked in, everyone was staring at us for what I perceived to be the following reasons:

1.  We were complete and total strangers

2.  We were the only white people there

3. We were tacky losers who brought beer to a baby shower.

Yes, this was less a house warming event and more a baby shower. There were hanging paper puffs, butterflies, pink streamers, etc… I could feel my heart starting to race.  Mostly because everything was really tacky and unoriginal, but also because I did not want to be there if it was truly going to be a baby shower.

I guess A had spoken to this coworker before about the fact that we wanted kids but were having a tough time, and being a lovely young man, took it very seriously and told A that he would pray for us. Not the kind of thing we are used to, but it as very sweet.  At the party he kept pointing out to us the people who were affiliated with his church, and really wanted to introduce us to his pastor. I figured it was because he played an important role in their family’s lives- so, fine.

Well, the drinker/co-worker group were put in a corner so they could enjoy their dirty poison alone and out of the way of the innocent children.  There was food there- they brought out a lot of interesting meat- I was a long time veggie and I still am uncomfortable with meat that is not a chicken breast,  but what I found especially interesting was THE GIANT PIG’S HEAD CORPSE FACE THAT GRACED THE TABLE WHILE PRECIOUS CHILDREN PLAYED ‘ROUND IT.  WTF!?!?!?!?!?  I was HORRIFIED by this thing. I mean it was so disgusting.  Hawaiians, man. I mean you could have had a human head on the table and I would have been as equally as mortified. I know this is a cultural experience being at a Filipino housewarming/baby shower bbq, but NO.  just No.

Really glad we brought that beer. Wish it had been vodka.

Anyway, after a very long prayer over the house by the pastor (which was sweet, I’ll admit)  we ate much mystery meat and played baby shower games (I friggen’ HATE baby shower games. Just hate them)  To get through the strange baby shower/pigcorpse-fest I drank those beers. I totally looked the part of the woman who loves children, making everyone assume I desperately wanted to play these games, but I would say “no thanks” to most of the women who invited me to play another game. They seemed confused, but I would rather drink with the boys then play the pick a person to decorate to be be pregnant with streamers and a pillow. Um no. A and I made jokes about that one in the car.

:Person pops my balloon: “You’re not pregnant!  hahaha! I popped your balloon!  No baby for you! It was pretend! You’re not pregnant!!”:

A got up to get some dessert and he ended up being gone for a long time.

After like 40 minutes, I figured he had wandered into the “Kid room” to play some games with them.

<<I love that I am writing this while watching Teen Mom.  Its the only thing on TV and I can’t help it. I have to watch.>>

Finally, he reappears and he just goes, “I just got prayed over.”

Me: “What!?”

A: “I got freaking prayed over. I will tell you later”


So I am a little buzzed and the night is wrapping up (thank God) and we hear that a Filipino party isn’t a Filipino party without Karaoke.  The “Uncles” are in the garage doing Karaoke and I needed to witness this before we left.  You know, for cultural immersion.

<<Oh this is sweet- boyfriend just called his 36 week pregnant girlfriend “Dumbass” in front of her mother at their doctor’s office.  I can’t.>>

Karaoke. right. It was like stepping into a movie- All these older Filipino guys- none of them looked happy or like they were having fun, would sing song after song (Filipino songs might I add) straight-faced, while the others sat there and stared. Again, no one actually seemed happy.  I had made friends with one of Alex’s co-worker dudes, and it turned out we shared a passion for soft rock.  I can sing, but choose to keep it to myself.  But, I had had JUST enough beers, that I had the courage to get up with this fellow and perform a rousing duet of “A Whole New World” from Aladdin.  In my choir girl dreams, A would play along and sing this with me, but he would just never.  Also, he was in a weird place from being prayed over.  So I sang my little heart out with a strange man and felt like a star!

After my Grammy quality performance, A and I got in the car. He proceeded to tell me his prayer story. Apparently, when he got up to get dessert, his friend cornered him and asked, “Can my pastor pray for you?” A thought he just meant like in his pastor’s prayers that night before bed while kneeling in his jammies. No.

Then host guy grabbed his pastor and his pastor’s wife (also a pastor) and asked A where they wanted to “do this.”


After offering up suggestions of the side yard, an upstairs bedroom, etc, they decided on a spare bedroom down a hall near the guest bathroom.  They sat A down on the bed, with the door open, each with a hand on his shoulder and asked him to tell them what was bothering his heart.  Caught off guard, but obedient, he told them our sob story.  Then they gave him a passage in the bible.  Then they told him about another one, and another one. Then they said, “are you ready for us to pray for you?”


He thought that was them praying for him, but no.  With their hands still placed on his shoulders, they raised their other hands.  All he could do was put his head down so he didn’t nervously laugh. While the pastor prayed the pastor’s wife spoke in tongues!  TONGUES!!!!  Then they would switch.  A. was. mortified.  The door was wide open and people who were walking down the hall to get to the guest bathroom could easily look in on this display. A was pretty sure that 2 of his colleagues did walk by and see it- one who wouldn’t have cared, but one who would have been like WTF? Now, if that is your prayer style, I don’t want to offend you, but A and I were both raised in the same church, a church that is (probably one of the most misunderstood churches in existence- I am sure I will do a post on this at some point) and were brought up to be very private and quiet about prayer. That was so foreign to him and he was not ready for it.  At the end the pastor shook his hand and then A didn’t know what to do with the pastor’s wife, so he went in for a hug.  Except she was stiff as a board- and gave him NOTHING to work with.  He was almost at full hug but then awkwardly retracted…she was not done I guess?  No she was not.  She raised her hand again and said some more Jesus stuff. Poor Guy. He felt so embarrassed and exposed. But in the end what we took away was that people cared for our success, and that means a lot to us.

So anyway, this is how I am filling my time while I wait for my FET!

Time needs to go faster.

like now.