This is a post about a period. It is long. It has a lot of TMI.
My body is waging something fierce like Jihad in my pants. This has never really been my experience in the 18 years that I have “officially” been a woman. Aside from bad cramps, it has been light, predictable and uneventful.
You know how my period was 13 days late a little while back? My nurse coordinator at my IVF clinic is ready to prepare my transfer for November-ish, so she is setting up a tentative calendar in the meantime. I need to start on birth control after my next period. My nurse says that I will get my period Monday- I was like, “um nurseypants, remember how I was 13 days late? I wont get in until like the last day in September.” She said, “I think your body will catch up.” This made me do a little eyeroll over the phone and then I hung up. I know my body. I will get my next period 30-33 days from when I got it last.
I know that you know where this is going, but don’t spoil it!
Yesterday, A and I decided to have a fun day at the North Shore. It’s on the other side of Oahu and it is such a different vibe from the Honolulu side of the island. It is very agricultural and slower paced and the beaches aren’t taken over with tourists. (sorry, tourists) We even decided to leave Norman the dog at doggie daycare so we didn’t have to worry about managing him or his many needs at all! This was going to be a care free day! Maybe we would even enjoy it so much that we would come home and have some sexual relations! IF I was drunk enough, duh.
We drove to this one beach park where you can’t take dogs. I’s called Waimea Bay. You can google it. It is serene (in the Summer) and just beautiful and we once heard whales under the water when we were there on vacation a few years back. Did you hear me? HEARD. WHALES. It was pure magic. We found a nice spot and I started to strip down to my bikini. I unbuttoned my shorts and pulled them down.
Full on period disaster situation in my pants.
Did I mention they were white, short shorts?
I just stood there for a good 15 seconds with my jaw dropped. how did I not feel this happening?
I got my towel and put it around me while saying, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” a lot. I peeked inside my bikini bottom. No way. howwwwww? A was all, “Ummmmmmmmmm” while I was like, “errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Wrapped up in my towel and donning my beach bag, I start up the hot, sandy hill towards the lovely beach park restroom (I have been able to avoid these crackhouses for most of my time in Hawaii with proper planning, thank God)
Right then, a squall moved through and it started absolutely pouring. People were screaming and running towards the bathrooms where there was some shelter. Masses of women were running inside the changing area. Woman after woman; beating me to the door. Finally I get in there and find a stall. It’s so disgusting I just stand there for a minute. Everything is wet. I mean there isn’t even a hook on the door for my bag, so I am absolutely stuck. Finally, I wince; having no choice but to set my adorable Rosanna ikat beach bag on the wet, sandy, pee pee cement floor of the public beach bathroom stall. I actually started to cry. Then, I did that thing where I find a way to blame infertility. You know, “If I was PREGNANT like I WANTED TO BE, I wouldn’t be having periods ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!”
This morning. I am sleeping in. It’s so nice. I am so comfortable in my bed that I could stay there until noon. Then I feel a gush. You have got to be kidding me. I am leaking again. I have never been a leaker. I blame IVF. I give up. My body is not my own. I BARELY make it to the bathroom in time. There is another pair of underwear I throw into the sink to clean. I think that is like my 4th casualty in less than 24 hours.
We go to the beach. Day 2 is never as heavy as day 1. I put in a “super” and that should last me HOURS. I had been there for 20 minutes to spot A while he surfed when I feel another gush. This has to be some kind of joke. I peek down under a towel. My black bikini bottoms are saturated and within a half an hour after that, there is blood on my beach chair. But there is nothing I can do. I am not pulling A out of the water to go home when we had just gotten there. He would be so pissed. I wait it out. Finally, after about an hour and a half, A comes out of the water and I’m all “we gotta go!” and he is all “Are you kidding me with this?”
Since I had been sitting there for a long time in my own mess, I knew that when I stood up, gravity was going to get me in trouble, but I knew that my towel as a barrier would save me from public humiliation. I walked down the beach as if I had a something stuck up my ass while simultaneously making weird faces and grunting every time I sensed activity. so awkward.
When I got home, I went straight to the shower. It looked like a scene from a movie- you know, shower is on, the water is running clear and then… all of a sudden…a crime has been committed. My bikini bottoms were that bad. Thank God I wore the black ones.
I step out of the shower when I’m done and see that A has let Norman in the bathroom with me while he makes a grocery run. He is sleeping co-dependently on the bathmat in the middle of our tiny bathroom. I dry off and work around him but it isn’t easy- I can’t wake him up! He’s a little baby! Since he is blocking the front of the toilet, I decided to put my tampon in standing with one leg up on the toilet. Well, I don’t know if it was gravity or having a “heavy” moment, but I lost my grip for a nano second and that sucker (plastic applicator kind) came shooting out of me like a rocket and it landed right on my fucking dog!! Now there is blood on his white fur! He is brown, white and black, but of course it landed on a white part! How am I going to explain this to A? ” Oh yeah so our dog has period blood staining his coat. normal thing. just happens.” Norman is a Basset Hound. 2nd best nose in the canine kingdom. So he is jarred awake and is like “Someone BBQ’n?” and I’m like “DON’T EAT THAT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” At this point I am begging, “SERENITY NOW!!!!” as I put the missile tampon in the trash and wipe up the blood on our white bathroom tile from when it ricochet off my dog’s body.
So here is the pending score:
white shorts- 0
Pink bikini bottoms- 0
beach towel day 1-0
another pair of undies- 0
black bikini bottoms-0
beach towel day 2- 0
folding beach chair- 0
Norman – 0
Let’s hope tomorrow is better.