You know that kind of laughing that you do when you have simply lost your damn mind?
Last night after I closed my laptop, put on some chapstick and happily put my maybe pregnant, glowing self to bed, I had dreams that I did take the test and that it was positive. I remember in my dream just staring at A, both of us in complete disbelief, shock and awe. 5 minutes before my alarm went off this morning, I was out of bed and in the bathroom. My dream had to have meant something. I was 8 days late and I was gonna take the test!
BFFN. (yes, extra F on purpose)
EFF YOU, DREAM!
I was ticked and sad, but not shocked, so I got ready for work and went on with my day. All day went by and not a sign of AF in sight. I was still thinking it might be a false negative- maybe it was too early! Since I am currently biking to work, (don’t be all impressed- I don’t do it for the environment, I do it because we sold our other car in Seattle and A didn’t want to get a new one unless we HAD to…) I always make a little trip to the bathroom before I start my ride home since I usually nurse a water bottle all day while working. I sat down to pee and whud’ya know- I have some spotting in my underwear.
OH COME ON!
As I was biking home, I was like a crazy person talking to myself. Again, to quote Bridesmaids- i was like Kristin Wiig in the car doing the “Oh hi, I’m Helen (hair flip) Oh you live in Milwaukee? I’m sorry.”
Oh all you want is a baby and you can’t have one? I’m sorrrrry.
So I roll my sweet wheels up to my mailbox and grab our mail.
An envelope with pretty writing for me is inside!
Yay! someone wrote me! Someone cares! I MATTER!
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!
It’s my sister-in-law’s baby shower invite.
KILL ME NOWWWWWWWWWW
It’s just bullying.
Incessant, ceaseless, unrelenting bullying. I am innocent. I did nothing wrong, and nothing to deserve it, but the Universe has found my weakness and sends attacks upon me on all sides; on a daily basis.
I just can’t believe that on the 8th day of a missed period, right after I hopefully and hopelessly take a pregnancy test, and then right after I realize it’s over…. That damn girl is right there in my face yet again reminding me that she gets everything that I want.
And to put salt in the wound, I have to imagine how she will sit there in some perfect outfit with perfect hair and perfect teeth and perfect belly, surrounded by her rich friends, eating perfect catered food. She will be showered with thousands of dollars worth of high-end baby gear (that I have been drooling over for YEARS) that she didn’t have to yearn for to earn. She would have gotten everything she wanted had she not even had a shower because that’s just how it goes for her. But she will receive all of this AND the baby 100% with no price tag- Emotionally or financially. It’s like completely unfathomable to me.
I am not going to lie when I saw that the dog had started eating and ripping apart the invite, (yes I threw it when I walked in the house) I smiled. He knew. He is so smart…protecting his mom form rude people like that.
Except I do need that invite. I need to see that registry so that I can note to one up every single item on there when its my turn.