I have been trying to write a blog all day but my track pad on the computer is being such a jackass and has been RUINING MY LIFE ALL DAY!
I have been off the radar because my MOMMY visited me for my birthday! After years of her never visiting ME and only traveling to visit my brother’s effing BABY, my husband finally called her and said, “You daughter needs you to come visit her.” Seriously, he is the best. I mean when you are going through infertility, it does not feel fair to compete with your nephew for time with YOUR mom. And though my mom had to be forced to come visit her childless, loser daughter, (eye roll) I am still glad that she came. And I know she is glad she came. I know I’m not the shiny new toy but Hell! I dang live in Hawaii.
Anyway, Well my current news is that we have met with people and things and stuff and it looks like we will be doing IVF this September. This is very exciting but I am pretty Gosh darn nervous. It is very strange that we ended up in Hawaii because when we found out that IVF was really our only option (IVF with ICSI, to be exact,) I was devastated. We were in debt and I knew that there was no way we could justify adding $20k more debt on top of it. We were living in Seattle and everything is out of pocket in Washington. That was it. We were nowhere near having a family unless we got a total miracle. A did Chinese medicine for a year just in case. We were willing to try anything. He drank dirt tea twice a day like a champ. I mean seriously- there was sheep’s placenta in it. no lie.
Fast forward a year and A gets a work opportunity in Hawaii. I’ve never said this out loud but I used it as my opportunity to run away. I couldn’t stand being in my life there anymore. My closest friends had become moms and my single friends were party animals who I mostly couldn’t keep up with. I was loved, but a passing thought. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was unemployed, childless and had no talent or interests to pursue. I never planned for a career. I was going to be a stay at home mom. period. I was embarrassed of how useless I had become and I needed to hide. I wanted to start over and have a completely mysterious, off the grid life.
So we packed our bags and I took my loser self to Ha-Vay-ee. It’s interesting how we were led down here because when we arrived and started getting to the tasks of becoming Hawaii residents, I did some research on insuring myself. Soon, I noticed in the plans that there was fertility support covered. And what did my little eyes eventually see- ONE coverage per lifetime per insurance of IVF. No Way. Well sort of- we will pay about 6k ourselves when all is said and done. But still! We started all the tests immediately and were referred to an amazing specialist. Also, according to the specialists, the coverage I chose is the only company that also covers the drugs. So I will probably only have to pay like $200 for my IVF drugs. Amazeballs. I hate it when people say amazeballs. Also, Epic. No-like I really need people, movie trailers and commercials to stop using the word Epic.
Anyway, we feel like being here in Hawaii is our meant to be chance. It’s kinda weird how it all can work out, right? It was so right to come down here. This is exciting.
But then things like today happened. I know that a lot of us also read some other infertility blogs and one in particular had some devastating news today. She is miscarrying it seems after her first IVF. When I was reading her posts all week, I was nervous for her and so excited and happy, knowing that I would be taking this road in 2 months. She had had success and was sharing her happy news! I used to daydream about my big preggo reveal on Facebook (years ago) then my babie’s sex reveal photo, and the amazing shower where I am looking gorgeous and I am surrounded by friends and family and now I am so scared that I don’t really plan on telling anyone in my family until I am like 12-14 weeks along. And maybe not telling any friends really at all. And never ever sharing on Facebook for sure. Or maybe once the child is actually born. Then do a whole infertility article and guilt them about how hard the last few years were seeing picture perfect family photos while I suffered in silence. Somein’ like thaaaat.
When I read that she had purchased onesies and told her close family that she was pregnant, I felt so nervous. While they celebrated, I couldn’t help but wince. “omg, too soon,” I thought. Isn’t it horrible that we work so hard to get there and then when we do, we can’t really enjoy it, or even enjoy the fantasies we play out? I am glad that she let herself enjoy it for a few days, but at this point being pregnant just seems so impossible that I don’t even think I will truly believe it until I am actually physically growing or feeling pregnant at all. I think that is why I am really nervous for IVF. It was always this unreachable, expensive FINAL CHANCE. Well, now that I am actually grasping at it, what if it fails? There are so many horror stories like hers. I just feel I am destined for one of them too. Which is a totally shitty way to think, but at this rate I don’t EXPECT good anymore with our fertility because this has already been so hard! So sad! I at least hold onto some hope now- but what will I be left with if IFV doesn’t work? Will I be hopeless for my whole life? Will I be a horrid, angry woman like my old math teacher, miss Krietzer? I don’t want to be a miss Krietzer! NO SERIOUSLY I CAN’T BE MISS KRIETZER.
Now I have to start kicking caffeine. and alcohol. I am in a two month IVF wait now. It’s kind of nice. The pressure is off. We decided to go down in flames with the drinking this month so we went to Costco and bought a case of Negro Modelo and some oversized liquor. Sad that after we loaded up l, we looked at each other and said “Perfect!” Instead of “Oh no! this is so much Alcohol for just two people to consume in such a short time” nope. We didn’t say that.
When in Hawaii I guess.