royally surprised

Wait did Catherine have a baby?  I didn’t know she was even pregnant!

When I went to bed two nights ago, Hawaiian time, I saw that the Royal baby was on its way.  I rolled my eyes but then I smiled because damnit, I DO care!  I was ready to start throwing things in my house.

Then, when I found out the baby had arrived while I was at work yesterday, I was  excited.  WTF?!  I am supposed to be agitated  and pissed about this.  What’s happening Richard!? (Tommy Boy)

Then today when I was having breakfast and watching the news, they just HAPPENED to make their big debut. LIVE.

They were adorable. I welled up.

Kate was stupidly pretty. A little self conscious of her little pouch. which was sweet. I smiled.

Then William carefully came out with the car seat like a normal, scared, new dad.  He reminded me of A.  He was so cute. I bawled. There it is.  It was a mix of “they are so precious”  and “WHY CAN”T I HAVE THAT GOD PLEASE I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG IT’S NOT FAIIIIIIRRRRRR”

BUT STILL….. I think there should be a non-profit that recreates all that fanfare at the hospitals and homes for births after pregnancies after infertility.  I told A I want him to hire that Town Crier for when our baby is born.  We deserve gun salutes, trumpets and weirdos yelling. We actually ACCOMPLISHED something.

All she did was be married for less than two years, lie on her back after a fun night at the local Bucklebury pub and and BOOM goes the dynamite. (I can’t confirm this is actually how the new prince was conceived.)  I still just CAN’T get over how some people literally just DO IT (and like it?) one night without even THINKING about it- like not a thought! and then two RAPID weeks later (because there is no waiting) they are like “I feel funny” and then all my dreams come true for them.

Like, I can’t even comprehend.

But anyway, I am glad that I have been given the gift of not hating them.  Talk to me in two months if my IFV fails, but for now  I am going to celebrate my ability celebrate.  It feels good.  As my wise mom always says, “What blesses one, blesses All.”

I’m trying.


What am i doing!?


I honestly20130720-103950.jpg didn’t do this on purpose. This happened organically. I am watching “teen mom” while looking at my Infertility survival Handbook. I am sure that the author of this book would advise as her number 1 survival tip that we NOT WATCH THIS SHOW LIKE EVER.

“This baby is ruining everything”

Direct quote from Kayla, 16.
I can’t.

Well i feel bad for her. She was anorexic when she was 13 and gaining all the weight has been “really hard for her.”

oh wait no I don’t.

Okay, so I need to be done with this. Join me. This is your reminder to turn off the tv, the computer, the phone, the blogs and stop dwelling! Just try! We are lucky to have amazing partners who love us and breath in our lungs! Let’s be grateful for the good already received!

I’m outta here!



too soon?

I was reading one of my favorite infertility blogger’s posts recently and I had one of those moments while I read when I was like, “Oh shit- is she referring to me?”  I still am not sure but I am starting to think that she read something I wrote and then totally misinterpreted it and in turn, I caused her more grief than she deserved. To which I would feel like a HORRID WENCH.   I had written that while she was celebrating after getting her first beta back, and giving onesies to her parents and sisters,  I was uncomfortable and thinking “too soon.”  And it’s true- I was.  and I do stand by that for me.  Because I would have such a hard time believing it!   I grew up in a world where you did NOT share until you were out of your trimester.  Even with family.  I also grew up in a very “Private” world when it comes to health which I will explain later, so that explains a lot of how I was conditioned. (weird religious upbringing) Everyone has the choice to share their news when they damn well feel like it.  For me, because this has all been so drawn out and painful, I personally will be celebrating, but very cautiously.  I didn’t want what I wrote to be misconstrued that you shouldn’t celebrate at 4 weeks. That the pregnancy is somehow not valid.  Hell, I have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test, so if I see one, I WILL be celebrating. but again… cautiously. Which is something infertility steals from us. and for that I am really angry. 4 weeks is a pregnancy and I will be loving that child instantly. but cautiously.    I have been loving my children since I was a little girl and picked out the boy name “Michael” and the  Girl- “Jessica” (after the Brady Bunch Christmas special had kids with those names in it.)  I think they were Marcia’s kids.

Is Mr. Brady gonna make it under that collapsed building????!??!?!

The suspense!

God I miss the 80’s.

(Ps Those are great names, but have been retired as my baby names. because, well,  I need to think for myself.)

I guess what I am saying is that I will be a pregnant coward. And I am angry at infertility for stealing my joy. My ability to feel joyful but instead giving me nervous uncertainty. Such BS.   I wouldn’t have the guts to go back and tell people that it’s over.  See? coward. My stupid pregnant sister-in-law told us at 7 weeks and I kept saying “Why so early?  why would she put me through this for 5 weeks longer than she had to?” I wouldn’t want other people to suffer if they didn’t have to either. but seriously that is stupid.  They are all in my corner- Can’t  I just be vulnerable with them?  Infertility stole that from me too. Because I couldn’t BEAR to have to hit rewind. Have them know I was “wrong.”  “I got ahead of myself.”  Would they think I was stupid? OF COURSE NOT.  This blogger is full of fight and courage. I LOVE that she had the guts to celebrate when everyone wants to tell her, “Wait.”

I absolutely 100% do not judge anyone for celebrating a long awaited, long fought for pregnancy- whether it’s at 14 weeks or at 4 weeks. Either way, we’ve earned that right and infertility shouldn’t take away our choice to celebrate.

So, you know what? Fuck “too soon.”


the two month wait

20130712-181031.jpgI have been trying to write a blog all day but my track pad on the computer is being such a jackass and has been RUINING MY LIFE ALL DAY!

I have been off the radar because my MOMMY visited me for my birthday! After years of her never visiting ME and only traveling to visit my brother’s effing BABY, my husband finally called her and said, “You daughter needs you to come visit her.” Seriously, he is the best. I mean when you are going through infertility, it does not feel fair to compete with your nephew for time with YOUR mom. And though my mom had to be forced to come visit her childless, loser daughter, (eye roll) I am still glad that she came. And I know she is glad she came. I know I’m not the shiny new toy but Hell! I dang live in Hawaii.

Anyway, Well my current news is that we have met with people and things and stuff and it looks like we will be doing IVF this September. This is very exciting but I am pretty Gosh darn nervous. It is very strange that we ended up in Hawaii because when we found out that IVF was really our only option (IVF with ICSI, to be exact,) I was devastated. We were in debt and I knew that there was no way we could justify adding $20k more debt on top of it. We were living in Seattle and everything is out of pocket in Washington. That was it. We were nowhere near having a family unless we got a total miracle. A did Chinese medicine for a year just in case. We were willing to try anything. He drank dirt tea twice a day like a champ. I mean seriously- there was sheep’s placenta in it. no lie.

Fast forward a year and A gets a work opportunity in Hawaii. I’ve never said this out loud but I used it as my opportunity to run away. I couldn’t stand being in my life there anymore. My closest friends had become moms and my single friends were party animals who I mostly couldn’t keep up with. I was loved, but a passing thought. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was unemployed, childless and had no talent or interests to pursue. I never planned for a career. I was going to be a stay at home mom. period. I was embarrassed of how useless I had become and I needed to hide. I wanted to start over and have a completely mysterious, off the grid life.

So we packed our bags and I took my loser self to Ha-Vay-ee. It’s interesting how we were led down here because when we arrived and started getting to the tasks of becoming Hawaii residents, I did some research on insuring myself. Soon, I noticed in the plans that there was fertility support covered. And what did my little eyes eventually see- ONE coverage per lifetime per insurance of IVF. No Way. Well sort of- we will pay about 6k ourselves when all is said and done. But still! We started all the tests immediately and were referred to an amazing specialist. Also, according to the specialists, the coverage I chose is the only company that also covers the drugs. So I will probably only have to pay like $200 for my IVF drugs. Amazeballs. I hate it when people say amazeballs. Also, Epic. No-like I really need people, movie trailers and commercials to stop using the word Epic.

Anyway, we feel like being here in Hawaii is our meant to be chance. It’s kinda weird how it all can work out, right? It was so right to come down here. This is exciting.

But then things like today happened. I know that a lot of us also read some other infertility blogs and one in particular had some devastating news today. She is miscarrying it seems after her first IVF. When I was reading her posts all week, I was nervous for her and so excited and happy, knowing that I would be taking this road in 2 months. She had had success and was sharing her happy news! I used to daydream about my big preggo reveal on Facebook (years ago) then my babie’s sex reveal photo, and the amazing shower where I am looking gorgeous and I am surrounded by friends and family and now I am so scared that I don’t really plan on telling anyone in my family until I am like 12-14 weeks along. And maybe not telling any friends really at all. And never ever sharing on Facebook for sure. Or maybe once the child is actually born. Then do a whole infertility article and guilt them about how hard the last few years were seeing picture perfect family photos while I suffered in silence. Somein’ like thaaaat.

When I read that she had purchased onesies and told her close family that she was pregnant, I felt so nervous. While they celebrated, I couldn’t help but wince. “omg, too soon,” I thought. Isn’t it horrible that we work so hard to get there and then when we do, we can’t really enjoy it, or even enjoy the fantasies we play out? I am glad that she let herself enjoy it for a few days, but at this point being pregnant just seems so impossible that I don’t even think I will truly believe it until I am actually physically growing or feeling pregnant at all. I think that is why I am really nervous for IVF. It was always this unreachable, expensive FINAL CHANCE. Well, now that I am actually grasping at it, what if it fails? There are so many horror stories like hers. I just feel I am destined for one of them too. Which is a totally shitty way to think, but at this rate I don’t EXPECT good anymore with our fertility because this has already been so hard! So sad! I at least hold onto some hope now- but what will I be left with if IFV doesn’t work? Will I be hopeless for my whole life? Will I be a horrid, angry woman like my old math teacher, miss Krietzer? I don’t want to be a miss Krietzer! NO SERIOUSLY I CAN’T BE MISS KRIETZER.

Now I have to start kicking caffeine. and alcohol. I am in a two month IVF wait now. It’s kind of nice. The pressure is off. We decided to go down in flames with the drinking this month so we went to Costco and bought a case of Negro Modelo and some oversized liquor. Sad that after we loaded up l, we looked at each other and said “Perfect!” Instead of “Oh no! this is so much Alcohol for just two people to consume in such a short time” nope. We didn’t say that.

When in Hawaii I guess.