birds and turds

I hope I can get through writing this post. I just ate two helpings of cookie dough and frankly, TUMMY FEEL SICKIE.

I have had one of those weeks where my pets are being such dicks! A was out of town for work and one morning I let Norman out earlier than normal because he was whining. He never does that so I thought maybe he really needed to go to the bathroom. I went back to bed. After about 15 mins I heard all this runing around.

“Lie down please!” I pathetically said in my cracked morning voice.

More movement. and then some sounds that were a little crash-bang -boomey so I got up to investigate. As I walked towards the kitchen where norman was, I could see that he was lying on his belly and his tail was wagging. I turned the corner and to my horror I saw… feathers. Feathers were everywhere! and the body of a GIANT bird was wedged between norman’s mouth and the underside of the fridge.

“WHAT IS HAPPENINNNNGGGGG” I said. followed by about 87 “Oh my God’s!”

Realizing that I was the only one who was going to be handling this disaster, I took action. “Norman, NO!” I yelled as I took his scruff and tried to pull him off of the bird. I finally got him away and banished him to the yard. I looked down at that dead bird on my kitchen floor and realized it was not dead but it’s little belly was moving up and down in a panic. My heart broke, “Oh no….. Sweet baby.”

That it was alive complicated things more because now I had the ethical dilemma of giving him a fighting chance or putting him out of his misery. I am a huge animal lover and I wanted to help this little thing out, even if it basically was a nasty pigeon. I could not just throw him outside and forget about him.

When I got closer to pick him up with paper towel, oh my god, he was missing a leg and was bleeding on his back probably where norman was gnawing at him.

“no no no no no no no oh man, baby I am sorry no no this is terrible.”

I managed to wrap him up- he was still, but his eyes were alert. I decided to pick him up and walk him back to the bedroom where my computer was. Yes, I know- this is the point in the story where everyone looks at me like I am disgusting but it was 6:30am and I wasn’t really thinking clearly. I started a search online for wildlife rehab centers in my area. Everything that happened next only took about two minutes but it was a damn circus. A goddamned circus I tell you.

With the bird cradled in one hand, I scrolled on my laptop with the other hand. Suddenly, my CAT appeared out of NO WHERE and jumped up onto the bed with us.

“Mia, NO!” Her eyes lit up when she saw what I had. This is a 12 year old indoor cat and you could tell after watching and cackling at birds from inside all these years, she was having her BIG. MOMENT. I imagined her with her face half painted blue like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, and that battle-cry look in her eyes, “VICTORY IS FINALLY MINE!!!!!!!”

The bird saw her and got a sudden rush of adrenaline or something so he started wiggling out of his paper towel.

“Oh God, No please.”

He got free and then Mia chirped as she lunged toward him. I grab her scruff with one hand and try to get her out of the room-The bird then starts hobbling ON MY BED with his BLOODY STUMP as he tried to flee from my ravenous cat! All this time I am screaming, but not like “No!” or “Stop!” I am screaming “Ohhhh this is is so horrible!” If the bird would have just dang stood still, I could save him but he keept getting away from me, only allowing the cat to be able to get closer!

Bird, flipping out, starts flying about, but he is quick enough to escape all my attempts at recapturing him. Feather’s are flying everywhere and my bedroom looks like half naked coeds had one of those fantasy sequence pillow fights in it. The bird poops in fear. So do I.

Finally he flies towards the bathroom and perches on the corner of the medicine cabinet, ironically, because he could really use some Neosporin or something on that horrid stump of his. Finally, I got him again and I managed to wrap paper towel around him and walk him outside. And just like it was nothing at all, he flew out and up into a tree by our gate. I stood there in my cat sleep shirt with “MEOW MEOW” written all over it, puzzled.

but you were dying

It’s been almost two weeks and we are finding feathers all over the place still. I had JUST put on new sheets the day before. Later that day, Mia puked on the duvet. Do you know how annoying those are to clean and then put back on!? The next morning, Mia pooped in the living room. Norman ate it. And then that night, Mia puked on the duvet again. Two days later, I found a very dead, plucked, eye popping out of his head, bird in our yard when I had returned home after just a few hours- leaving Norman out in the yard. I looked at him “I Don’t even know who you are right now.” It is still a mystery how these birds are ending up in our yard and in Norm’s mouth. He wouldn’t hurt a fly and he is so slow and uncoordinated. We feel like there are some dots that we aren’t connecting. Because (we’re these parents: “we know our son and he is not a birdurer”) see what i did there? With the words?

I dont know why I had such a strong urge to help this bird. I think I identified with him somehow. He was broken and in pain and I didn’t want him to be forgotten or tossed aside and left to die alone. I feel like that as a childless woman. and that invisible feeling is terrible and I feel it everyday. I think that permeates to how I felt about making sure that the bird knew that “I saw him.” What if that was me? Missing a leg, having just been mauled, in pain, and everyone just thought I didn’t deserve help. Survival of the fittest- they would say, and I wasn’t one of the fittest. God’s plan. Too bad. We’ll all go on with our lives and forget all about you.

Well, not in this house, you sweet, important, dirty, nasty bird.


a golden date night

I know that I haven’t written in a while and I’M SORRY, OKAY?!

I don’t even know where to begin. Not that anything has happened, per se, I just dont know where to begin. I will probably split up my stories into a couple of posts so that they aren’t too long.

I’m still filled with minute to minute jealous rage for my stupid pregnant sister in law and she is all I can think about all day. You know in Sex and the City when Carrie cheated on Aiden with Big and she would get those flashbacks of her naughty escapade and like cringe and it would screw up her whole life for that minute? That’s what I get when I picture her thriiled little beautiful face seeing her first ultrasound and smiling at her equally beautiful husband. Fills me with rage still.

Soooooo, it’s been two months since she told us and I have completely ignored the fact that she is pregnant for these whole two months. I just can’t go there. Can’t. But I need to, because I am going to start looking like a really bad, bad guy really soon here and I am sure that I am going to get in trouble with someone who thinks I need to be disciplined for being a meanie.

A and I have had ONE romantic date night that ended up being a fail when we got no service at the understaffed restaurant we picked out. Its a top restaurant in the Honolulu area and we were excited since we don’t go to nice restaurants like ever. We were so happy to spend money on a nice date night only to have things not be ordered for us and then never to be checked on again once our late food arrived. I was never given the chance to order MORE GLASSES OF ALCOHOL. Finally, we decided to get the heck outta there, just buy a cheap bottle of champagne on our way home and sit under the stars on our lanai. I live in Hawaii now so instead of “back patio” we say LANAI. jealous?

Drinks were poured and I sat on A’s lap with a champagne glass in my hand. I decided to make a quick trip to the bathroom and when I came back, literally a minute later, A was on his back in the lawn, one glass lying next to him, empty.

Me: What are you doing?!

A: I got a golden shower.

Me: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm………

In the two seconds that I had been gone, the dog who lives upstairs and hangs out on the balcony above us (we love this doggie by the way, she is Norman’s girlfriend) had squatted and peed in the EXACT spot where we were sitting. She has an 800 square foot balcony, but chose THAT EXACT SPOT to go potty. Lucky for me, I picked just the right time to go, but A was not so lucky. He had jumped up with his glass and thrown himself into our yard, like in the movies when a bomb goes off- champagne glass flying… I could tell when I looked at our table that there was pee all over it and she had actually peed INTO our champagne. COME ON!

Sexy date night, huh?! Can you imagine if hadn’t left? I would have been sitting on his lap in my nice outfit and we BOTH would have been peed on! like on our hair and bodies!

Here is the thing though, we were laughing so much that the golden shower actually rescued us from having been annoyed about our service at the restaurant. He was so funny and cool about it and it made me really happy to see him peed on I have to admit, when he can be so weird about animal stuff. Sweet revenge from the animal kingdom.

We had sex that night because we actually wanted to. Imagine that! No timing, no none of that! And not because I have some freaky pee thing, so stop. obviously I made him shower, sickos. We had been laughing and silly and yes, I grabbed new glasses and tried a re-do. I relaxed and happy.

Our IUI that month failed and we missed an IUI this month because we missed ovulation as A was out of town for work and I ovulated early. Can you freaking believe that? I was so mad that I didn’t even care, if that makes sense. I’ll be like, ” You have to be F***ing kidding me. Yeah whatever, of course that would happen to me. When has luck been on my side? I’m over it. OVER IT. I don’t even like kids that much so whatevs.” But luck HAS been on my side, because I have A. And as much as I want a child with him, sometimes I feel relief when I get my period, that I get one more month of just us to go out, eat and do whatever we want. because I know that when babies come, having dinner and then being peed on will not be some crazy story that ends with a romantic encounter, it’ll just be regular ‘ole bath time 🙂